A Love as Hard as This

Chapter 44

Author's Note:
This book is coming to a close guys...
This chapter and Chapter 45 are the only ones left! But don't worry, the book won't be done there. I'll also have a couple chapters after debunking every single hint I left you guys, answering any questions you guys have about the book or for me (if you have any feel free to comment them), and thanking everyone.

Richelle's Perspective:

I snuck back into the house after the... errands I had to do, being careful not to make a sound. I didn't want Noah to know that I'd been out. That would lead to questions, questions would lead to answers, and answers would lead to memories of this morning, which was something I never wanted to relive.

This morning was the worst morning I've ever been through. The hardest. The saddest. It was hard to imagine that tomorrow morning might be worse. I knew it wouldn't be—nothing ever could be—but it still brought me tears to think that this was actually what I had to go through. This had to be some sort of record.

As I tiptoed through the house, I passed a picture of my mom, my grandma, and me in the kitchen. It was heartbreaking to look at. The picture was from years ago, when I was still a happy child, untouched by loss in my life. I still had innocence then, was still bubbly and happy. No one was even left to remember me from then.

All everyone in my life knew now was the recent me. The me who was utterly broken and wretched inside, and who had a new terrible thing in her life every single day. I'd experienced more in a week than most people experienced in their lifetimes, and I was only 17.

Everything started when I was 11, when my dad found the drink. He was amazing before then, always there for me, and smiling all the time. As soon as he started drinking, his mind went wild, and before long, he'd left my mother and I alone.

Life was good, my mother was kind and the most important person in my life, until the day that I turned 13. On my birthday, she was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer, they didn't find it fast enough. I woke up happy that day, with presents under my bed and a cake on the kitchen table—my mom had saved up all of her money from both of her jobs for months just to buy them for me—and went to sleep bawling my eyes out.

That was when my walls first went up. They'd only gotten stronger since then.

My grandma came to live with me when my mom died. The first day she came, she dressed up in a funny costume and startled me, but from then on, we were on the same page. Nothing could've replaced my mom, but I thought that she was good enough. Then the worst possible thing that could've ever happened, happened.

She was diagnosed with the exact same thing that'd killed my mom. I knew that I was going to lose the people I loved most to the same demon. I knew it was going to take them both. Believe me, I wanted to die then, to be with them forever, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, because they'd be disappointed. I couldn't bear to disappoint them.

My grandma had to stay at the hospital permanently. I got multiple jobs in order to pay for the house. That was the main reason I always disappeared. I had to keep myself clothed, and sheltered, and fed. When I was 15 years old. I used my inheritance from my mother to pay for dance, knowing that it was what she would've wanted me to do. She always loved to watch me, it put a smile on her face every time.

That was when Noah came. And he brought my walks down just enough for him to sneak into my life. I got closer to him, closer and closer. Until he took me.

Noah made it better, but everything was still terrible. And everything just continued to get worse. Day by day.

That was when I looked at my phone again. Annie had texted me, knowing that I couldn't call her now. I'd been with her all night, and cried more than enough of my share. I wasn't up for talking. She'd said, "Hey, Richelle. I'm sorry, about everything. The service will be at 10:00 am tomorrow, and the cemetery outside the hospital. I'll pick you up, and it'll be just you and me, don't worry."

Some parts of that lifted my spirits a little, some parts made my heart tunnel into the rest of my body. I wanted to cry, scream, do anything that expressed any emotions at all. But I didn't. Noah was still here, sleeping. And he could never know.

Taking a deep breath and filling my lungs as I walked forward, I made my way into the living room, where we'd spent the night. I stared down at his sleeping body, his hair mussed and his face slightly crinkled in a way he'd never allow if he was conscious. I pushed a tuft of the brown locks off of his face and whispered, "Noah, wake up."

He stirred, groaning as he opened his eyes and quickly closed them. "Light." I mentally kicked myself. I hadn't planned to open the shutters before I woke him, but it'd seemed so dark and I'd wanted some light.

"Sorry," I muttered.

"No, it's okay. I can see you better." Before I knew it, our lips were connected in a wave of light movements and love. We collided in soft movements, and I cursed him for knowing my so well. This was exactly what I needed.

We got up and Noah started making breakfast—I offered to help but Noah declined, saying that I still needed to rest because he'd heard me tossing and turning all night. "Alright," I said, and we ate and talked, watching the sun rise up in a show of pink and orange from the window.

——————

Noah took me to the studio later that day, saying that it would be good for me to get all my tangled emotions out and I'd happily obliged, completely agreeing.

We started with an easy warmup, then a simple combo consisting of a small bit of hand movements and one floor work section. Emily was watching us in her and Michelle's office, and smiled at me when she realized that I could do the moves. She was packing up, getting ready to leave, and it warmed my heart that she let us be there. She was opening up too.

Noah was as careful as he could be with me,  caressing my hip lightly when he thought I was wincing, but I was just remembering. I seemed to be getting better though, physically at least. I did everything to the best of my abilities and nothing hurt.

We even tried a little lift—one where he barely lifted me above his head, not at all what we were used to—and we executed it nearly perfectly. When he put me down, we kissed again. That was perfect.

Emily dropped her box by the door and came over to us. "You know, people could see you guys." she teased.

Noah chuckled and side-hugged me while I leaned into him. "No one's here."

We spent the rest of the day laughing and sharing jokes, forgetting the funeral completely.