What Anxiety Feels Like (DNF/ Dream not found angst)

I can't sleep

George stared at the floor. He was not prepared to talk about it. He never has with anyone in his life. It was always brushed aside and ignored. Now he was being faced with head on and it was too much for him to handle.

"everything is fine. I am sorry you came all this way for nothing" George refused to look up. He just stood awkwardly near the closed door. His voice was quite and very unsteady. Overall, not convincing.

Dream sighed setting his stuff down and walking over to George. He stood close to him and rested his hands on the shorter boys shoulder. "please sit on the couch with me. I know you don't want to talk about it but please George.. Just please hear me out"

Without even looking up, he let Dream guide him over to the couch. They sat awkwardly but Dream was focused on the more important point.

"Goerge, what happened yesterday wasn't just nothing. Do you... well do you have these attacks often?" Dream found no real point of avoiding the obvious question. He also knew the answer but wanted to hear it from him.

George inhaled sharply at his words "I can't believe the first time we meet and this is what we are doing. Talking about my stupid anxiety."

"It is not stupid it's serious. I was so scared George. I was terrified when I heard you like that. All I could think was how much I wanted to be here with you so I am sorry... I'm sorry this is what we are doing but... I want to be here for you." His voice started off strong but got softer at the end as he trailed off.

"stop that just makes me uncomfortable! You should not care about it like that. I can handle it by myself! I wanted the first time we met to be fun and happy-" He looked up at dream getting captivated by his eyes. He really was attractive. His heart rate picked up but not in the anxiety type of way. All of a sudden he became self conscious looking away "you're just- you are Dream and you are here"

George could feel Dreams eyes burning on the side of his face. Hell, he could not bring himself to look. His hand started to tremble. No.. Not now.

Without a word, Dreams hand reached over to hold his trembling one. George looked over shocked to be met with Dream still staring at him too intensely.

Dream's eyes softened as he gently squeezed his shaking hand.  He looked down at the floor suddenly saddened "I'm sorry George. I didn't want it to be like this either really. I know it was impulsive and probably stupid to come all this way but I just wanted to be here for you. I was scared that you were struggling without anyone here. I could tell you were off lately and it all just added up and I impulsively acted I'm sorry" he picked at his hands feeling somewhat ashamed. He wasn't upset that he was there but more that he couldn't explain what he was trying to get across.

"I just don't want you to feel alone George not when I'm here because you aren't! Ill always be there to pick up every call. You know how I only leave my ringer on for you. I came all this way to prove that which- probably was stupid I know. You are the most important person to me and if you don't want to talk that's ok- just know that I'm here for you always."

The room fell silent the second he stopped talking. The only sound was the slowly ticking clock that seemed to go on forever.

Dream felt relieved for a few seconds that he said everything he needed to. However, it didn't take long for the regret to set in. Maybe he shouldn't be there? Maybe he over stepped? Did he mess everything up?

He's always been impulsive. He lets his emotions get the best of him and now he's across the country, uninvited, not even able to filter what he says.

The quite lasted much longer than Dream could handle. Sighing deeply he tried to break the silent, thick air "alright im sorr-"

"Yes" George answered cutting Dream off sharply "yes and no"

Dreams head whipped up to look at him. His eyes, however, were glued on the floor in front of him.

"The attacks. I used to get them a lot. Almost every day actually. They stopped for a while so I got off of medication... I guess they're back" his voice was soft. Way too vulnerable for his liking but he was admitting it to himself mostly. Admitting that it was back and there was no avoiding it.

"Oh" was all Dream was able to say. He wasn't expecting this too be a life long thing he was dealing with but then again he didn't know much at all. "Tell me more?"

Dreams voice was soothing. The same way that it always calmed George it also made him want to talk. It made him want to tell him everything. It was his safe space that he wanted to confide in.

Huffing, George ran his hands through his hair but when he put them back down Dream took the one closest to him and intertwined their fingers carefully.

George took a deep breath. He wanted to tell Dream. He wanted to spill everything because he never felt comfort like what he gave him. He never had someone sit and actually want to hear about it.

He felt a small squeeze on his hand. He knew it was reassurance from Dream. Telling him he had all the time he needed.

As much as he wanted to put his guard up and ignore the whole problem he just couldn't anymore. Not with Dream here. Not with his eyes glued on him and his thumb softly caressing his hand.

His voice wasn't just over the phone anymore. It was right next to him. Real and clear.

He was going to tell him and he was going to tell him everything.

"It started when I was young and diagnosed with some panic disorder. It was never really figured out for sure but I was put on medicine. My mom was never big on... dealing? Yeah I guess dealing with this so we never went to anyone for real. Not that I needed it" George's words stumbled over each other. He sounded a bit panicked but it was just the pure topic he was talking about. He genuinely didn't know how to be vulnerable like this.

Dream sat quietly wanting him to tell everything he wanted to before adding anything. When George realized this he continued "I would sit in my room with the lights off and curled in a ball. My parenrs ignored the issue leaving me to deal with it. I'm glad though! I didn't have to bother them. It's funny actually because they would always say 'George is in the mood again' and just know to leave me alone"

George laughed softly and looked up at dream to see if he also found it funny. He didn't. Dream's face held more of a concerned angry look to it.

"Anyway... I- um well I don't know- I handled it on my own. Or at least I used to. These past few times I don't know- I needed you?". George made sure to not look at Dream any more. The vulnerability was eating him up alive.

Unable to filter what he was saying, he just kept going "and- and I never depended on anyone before and don't want to start but when I felt it coming I reached for the closest thing to me and even though you were thousands of miles away- it was you"

Tears trickled down George's face yet again as he started to feel overwhelmed with a feeling he didn't know how to explain but for once- it wasn't bad. "Without even knowing you have calmed me down countless times and- and even though I convinced myself other wise consciously, deep down I knew you would care. I don't know why! I've never let anyone to that!"

He become more and more worked up. way more then he wanted to say or show was being spilled. "But it's been worse. So much worse. I felt like- no I was going to die." George heard a sharp Intake from next him. He still refused to look "it suffocates me. Every day I feel like I'm suffocating and the pressure is always there. I'm always on edge just waiting for something bad to happen."

"The last few times I felt like I was dying and all I needed was to talk to you. So I did! I called! But then you picked up and it worked and I don't know what to make of that!"

George stood up quickly tears still streaming down his face. He finally looked at Dream and with an exasperated expression said "because even my mind is spinning and I feel like I'm suffocating-"

"Dream you are always the calm in my craziest storms"

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What did you guys think about this? This was a difficult chapter for sure.

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