'Cause I mean this more than words could ever say

Chapter 5

I have to. I take a deep breath and leave the bathroom. I'm shaking. When I enter the living room, Mikey is sitting on the couch watching TV. He notices my footsteps and turns around. Just a second later, his eyes get wider and his hand covers his mouth. He gets up and comes closer with tears in his eyes. "Oh Frankie!" He yells in a high voice. "I'm sorry! I'm so fucking sorry! I can't believe I did that to you! I'm so sorry Frankie! I just lost control!" He's crying really bad now, inspecting the bruises around my neck. "I'm okay." I can't really talk. I sound like I'm sick and really need to cough. But it's not that easy. "You're not! I'm such an idiot! I'm so sorry! Please forgive me! I really didn't mean to hurt you! I just love you! I'm just worried about you Frankie!" The same as always. I end his sentence with a kiss. "I'll be okay." I whisper, which already works a lot better I wipe off the tears on his face.
"Okay... but we need to cover them somehow! Gerard will hate me and I'll lose both of you!" His eyes are already filled with tears again. "You won't lose me Mikey. I told you I won't leave. I promised I won't!" Why would he think that I'd ever leave him? I love him! And he only reacts that way because he loves me too! He's always been impulsive, I remember a time when he was on a lot of drugs, he was super aggressive and Gerard even had to send us home to make sure he won't hurt us. I remember that Gerard came to school with a painful looking blue eye the next day. It broke my heart. He's always been there for his brother and never gave up on him. Not even after that day. "I'm so sorry Frankie!" He hugs and kisses me. I deserve the pain. He has a reason to hurt me. I'm a horrible person and I suck as a boyfriend. "Still! Please cover them! I can't look at you like that! I hate myself so much! You deserve so much better Frank!" He's still crying. I give him another kiss.
"I will, I promise." I'm still whispering. Gerard has always been very protective towards me for some reason so I understand why Mikey is so scared. Gerard wouldn't understand. I know that Ray and him were worried when Mikey and I got together cause I wasn't really stable and Mikey still has a past with alcohol and drugs, but he would never do anything like that again! He has me now! "I'm just so scared to lose you Frank..." He whispers, his lips just a few millimetres away from mine. Why is he so worried about that currently? His jealousy got so much worse... that's my fault! I make him scared! I make him jealous! I sink into his arms. I feel so exhausted, even though I almost  slept all day,
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I can't sleep. Mikey is sleeping next to me. He looks so calm. Nothing like when we were in the bathroom just a few hours ago. I used to feel so save around this man. So loved. I always hated myself but never as much as I do now. Mikey is hurting and it's my fault! I feel tears in my eyes and decide to get up. I go into the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I look in the mirror but regret it immediately. My neck is swollen and the bruises got a lot darker. I'm pale but that's normal, but I also have very dark shadows under my eyes. My clothes look huge. They used to fit perfectly, but now they look like I could fill them in twice. I look sick. I feel tears running down my face. I sink down next to the bathtub and start sobbing. I look horrible. I don't look attractive at all. No wonder that Mikey stays away from me and my body, he hates it.
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A knock on the door. I open my eyes. I'm still sitting on the bathroom floor. I must've fallen asleep. "Frankie?" Mikey is standing outside knocking again. "Are you in there?" I look out of the window. The sun is rising and makes the clouds look like fire. "Yeah." I mumble and stand up. "What the hell are you doing in there? It's 5am!" I can hear him yawning on the other side of the door. I unlock and open the door. Mikey blinks a few times when the bright light shines into his eyes. "Jesus Christ Frank, what happened?" He looks shocked. "I'm okay." I notice that I can talk normally again which surprises me. I want to leave the bathroom but Mikey stops me. "You cried." He looks down at me, right into my eyes. "And?" I don't want to tell him why. "What makes you so sad Frankie?" I don't know what to say. "Nothing, can we just go back to bed?" I look at him like a sad child. "If you say so..." he still sounds worried. My thoughts keep me awake for another hour. When I wake up, I can hear Mikey walking around. I get up and slowly walk trough the apartment until I reach the kitchen. Mikey is standing in front of the coffee machine filling it up with coffee beans. He turns around. "Frank!" He comes closer and hugs me. I feel weird. Like non of this is actually happening. "God I can feel your bones Frankie! You really lost a lot of weight, please eat!" He looks at my body and it feels like I'm burning. He inspects every inch of it and then looks back into my eyes. "You don't wanna be that skinny, do you?" He sounds worried. "Of course not! I just can't help it!" Why would I want to be this skinny? I look horrible!
"Good, cause you look horrible!" He laughs. I knew it. He doesn't like my body. He probably doesn't even love me anymore. How could he? I'm not attractive at all and he'd be embarrassed to be seen with someone like me. "I don't mean you're ugly or anything Frankie!" He says when he notices the look on my face. "You just look a little... sick, you know?" He turns back to the coffee machine and I feel a few tears coming out of my eyes. I wipe them off and try to sound cool. "Yeah, I know." I try to laugh a little to hide behind it. Mikey seems to believe me. "Okay now get yourself something to eat, I don't want my little Frankie to starve!" He sits down and I open the fridge.
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It's 2pm. I ate two slices of bread for breakfast and Mikey is already cooking again. I know it's been five hours since I had breakfast, but I feel like I just ate a whole menu. "Frank could you keep an eye on the sauce for a second? I just need to go to the bathroom and I don't wanna set our home on fire!" I get up and take the wooden spoon that Mikey's handing me. He leaves and I slowly start stirring the sauce. After more than fifteen minutes, Mikey comes back with red and swollen eyes. "Mikes!" I say worriedly. "Are you alright? Did you cry?" He did cry. "Yeah I'm alright." He doesn't even look at me and just takes the wooden spoon out of my hand. I'm confused. "No Mikes you're not! Tell me what's wrong!" He doesn't say a word and just looks down at the stove.
"The noodles should be ready by now." He says like there's nothing to worry about. "Mikey!" My voice gets louder and he finally looks at me. "It's nothing Frank!" His voice is super dark when it gets louder. He doesn't look like the man I fell in love with. He looks angry. He looks sad. He scares me. I take a few steps back and the look on his face gets even angrier. "Mikey..." I'm almost crying but the sound of the ringing telephone distracts me. I leave the kitchen to answer. "Yeah?" I say after taking a deep breath. "Hey Frankie!" Hearing Gee's voice makes me feel so much better.
"Gee! Why're you calling? There're only a few hours left till we're gonna see each other!" I'm laughing a little. "Yeah I know I just wanted to make sure you two are awake and don't forget about our plans!" He's laughing as well.
"How could we! I couldn't stop thinking about today since we've spoken the last time!" I'm smiling brighter than ever. "Okay cool then Ray and I'll come over at six! Are you okay so far?" Gerard Way. More protective towards me than anyone else. I don't know where I'd be without him to be honest. "Yeah I think so, how about you and Ray?" I know I'm lying but I don't want to worry him. "Yeah we're alright, see you later man! And tell Mikey I love him!" At least they're alright. "I will! See you later dude!" I hang up and go back to the kitchen. "Who was it?" Mikey asks. He finally sounds normal again. "Gee, he just wanted to make sure we're up, he also said I should tell you that he loves you." I sit down and Mikey puts two plates on the table. He's smiling, which fills my stomach is with butterflies.