'Cause I mean this more than words could ever say

Chapter 10

We sit down on the bed and I bring my knees to my chest. "Frank?" He asks after a few minutes. "You still don't have to talk, I just want you to feel safe..." he speaks very calmly and I think about where I should start.
"I- I feel horrible Gee..." I say after a few minutes of silence. "Why Frank, you didn't do anything wrong." His voice is full of sympathy and worry. "Of course I did! I left him! I suck as a boyfriend! I can't even eat! He's worried about me! He said I look horrible! He even said I could break my ribs in my sleep! Why can't I just be the boyfriend he needs and fucking deserves?" I'm crying already and Gerard wraps his arms around me as I start hyperventilating. "Frankie it's okay." He takes my hand to stop it from shaking but I can't calm down just like that. I try to breathe slower but I can't. Gerard has been with me during situations like this multiple times so he knows what helps and what doesn't. He strokes my back and keeps me close so I know where I am and that I'm safe. I try to take a deep breath but the fact that I'm crying doesn't make it easier.
"Maybe you should sleep." He whispers after a few minutes as my breath gets weaker and my tears get less. My head is leaning against his chest and I can hear his heartbeat. I just nod. I don't have the energy to say anything but he lets go of me and I lie down and huddle together under the blanket. I'm so exhausted that I fall asleep seconds after I closed my eyes.
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"Please never leave Frankie! I'd kill myself if I'd have to live without you!" I'm lying in my boyfriends arms. "I won't..." I whisper and I notice that there's something wrong.
"But you did." His voice is dark and full of sadness. "What?" I straiten up and notice blood on the sheets. A lot of blood. "Mikey!" I yell desperately. His wrists are cut open and all his blood is leaving his body just at once.
"You did leave me Frank. You were everything I had. And you know I was everything you had. If I can't have you, I can't live." He says all this just like that while I feel panic crawling through my body. I try to say something, try to tell him that I'm here, that I won't leave but all I can say is his name. Over and over again.
I wake up, bathed in sweat. Mikey. I left him. I need to get out of here, I need to get back home. I look to my side, Gerard is sleeping next to me. He looks so calm, so innocent and so adorable that I feel bad for disappointing him like that. I get up and sneak out of the bedroom, downstairs and out of the building. The sun is already rising which wraps the morning in purple and orange light. I'm running. Running home. Hoping not to find my dead boyfriend. My thoughts keep yelling at me the entire time that it takes me to get home. As I reach our door I notice that I forgot my keys when I left. I ring every doorbell until someone opens the door and I rush inside. I run upstairs until I reach our apartment fully out of breath. I hammer on the door. "Mikey!" I yell with tears running down my face. I don't hear anything from the other side of the door. "Fuck!" I want to grab for my phone but it's not there, I must've forgotten it at Gerard and Ray's apartment. I desperately turn around to knock at our neighbours door but in that moment, Mikey opens the door.
"Look who's here." I turn around and see Mikey leaning against the door frame. I run towards him, still crying, and hug him.
"I'm so sorry Mikey! I'm so sorry!" I yell with my head on his chest and notice again how small I actually am next to him. He always said he loved my height. I didn't. It makes me feel weak. "It's okay." He sounds like he doesn't even care that I left him just like that and I don't know if I should be relieved or scared about that. "But wow you need a shower." He laughs after a while. "Oh... yeah- sorry..." I stutter as I finally enter the apartment. "Where were you?" I look up into Mikey's face and try to think of an excuse. Any excuse would be better than the truth, but I can't lie to him like that. "I- I went over to Ray and... and your brother..." I whisper under my breath. His eyes show the pain I just gave him and I get scared. Every bruise and ever wound that he gave me starts hurting again, it feels like someone ripped my lip and cheek open again and also hit my chest and stomach a few times with one hand around my neck. "Take a fucking shower I'm busy anyways." He sounds disappointed, hurt. "Mikes..." I want to tell him how much I love him, how much I care about him, but something is taking my voice away.
"Please, we'll talk later, I can't do this right now." He looks down and I know that he's fighting, he doesn't want to cry in front of me, not again. I expected him to be mad. I thought he was gonna yell at me, maybe finally end my life. But not that he'd push his pain away like that. With tears in my eyes, I quickly walk away into the bathroom. As soon as I close the door, I pull my shirt, or well, Gerard's shirt, over my head and start sobbing. I look up into the mirror and see myself looking desperate, and if I wouldn't know better, I'd think I'm dead. I'm so stupid, why can't I be what Mikey always needed and actually deserves? Anger reaches every inch of my body and I take the soap dispenser and throw it against the wall behind me. I turn back around and look down at the sink as I notice something next to the water tap. I wipe the tears out of my eyes to see what it is. My heart stops. I stumble back and bump against the wall, my eyes still on the little plastic bag which is filled with a couple of pills. Mikey knocks on the door. "Frank are you okay?" I can't answer but I quickly grab the plastic bag to make sure I'm right about what I see, sadly, I am.
"Okay fuck it I'm coming in." He sounds annoyed but that's not what scares me. He enters and looks at me, then at the drugs in my hands, then back at me. His eyes fill with tears as he comes closer and opens his hand.
"Give that to me and get out." I just look at him. I thought he was okay, that he was clean, he has me! I almost drop them as I notice that I found it, the proof that I'm the poison in Mikey's life. I made him do these things, I took away his years of being clean. I'm such a disappointment and burden to him that he couldn't stand it anymore and decided to give up what he reached cause he couldn't stand being my boyfriend. "Frank give them to me!" He pushes me against the wall and I close my hand so I don't drop the bag. "Frank!" He looks so desperate that it breaks me. He grabs my arm and tries to open my hand. I push him away with all the power I can find in my body, grab the shirt and run out of the bathroom. I almost jump down the stairs in the stairwell while I put the shirt back on and as soon as I reach the sidewalk, I run into somebody and eventually drop the bag I clasped in my fist.
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Gerard's POV:
I wake up and see that the sun is rising already. I look to my side and notice that Frank isn't there anymore. I quickly get up and run down the stairs praying that he only went downstairs when he woke up but he's not in the living room as I reach it. I check the bathroom but he's not there either. "Ray!" I run back upstairs as fast as I can and rush into Ray's bedroom. "Fucking wake up! Frank's gone!" He looks at me and blinks a few times. "What?" He mumbles as I pull him out of his bed.
"Frank's gone! I don't fucking care if Mikey will let us in! He could kill him if he's not dead by now!" Ray finally gets up on his feet and it takes a moment until he realises what I just said. "What?" He sounds worried now and his voice got loud. Just seconds later he runs down the stairs and grabs his shoes. "Come on!"
I don't even put on a jacket and run outside with him. We don't stop running for a single second until we're less than fifty metres away from Frank's home. We're almost there as the door suddenly opens and Frank comes outside, crying. He immediately bumps into me and drops something. "Frank!" I pull him into my arms but he pushes me away.
"I'm such an idiot Gee! It's all my fault! I destroyed your brother! You should hate me! When will you realise that?" I'm confused but he runs away before I can say a word. I quickly look at the little thing he dropped before I turn around and look at Ray. I give him the little plastic bag full of pills.
"Stay here and make sure he doesn't leave." I say as fast as I can before I run after Frank who's already on the other side of the street and about to run around a corner.
"Frank!" I yell as I cross the street almost getting hit by a car. He doesn't stop or even gets slower so I higher my tempo. My side stitches but I run even faster as I realise where he wants to go. He runs towards a bridge that crosses the highway. "Frank! No!" I yell again before I grab his arm just in time. I look into his eyes and I can see his pain in them.
It breaks me.
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Frank's POV:
I can't live this way, I just lost the only person who kept me alive. And I destroyed him. It's all my fault. I hear Gerard yelling my name a second time but I don't care. I will jump this time. I've got to. But before I can reach the parapet, he holds me back by grabbing my arm. I try to pull my arm away but his hand stays where it is. "I won't let you do this." My view is blurred by all the tears in my eyes but I notice the pain in his voice as he tells me that non of this is my fault. Is he serious?
"It is my fault Gee! How can't you see that?" I gave up fighting against him but he still holds my arm. "Frank, it was his decision, he has his past that haunts him and we can't change that!" He's breathing heavily after all the running. "But we can help him." We have to help him but how? "I thought I could help him! I stayed by his side and he still gave up on himself!" The idea of jumping seems so real now. "Frank, you need help as well." What?
No I don't! Mikey helped me! I know Gerard was the one who found me in the bathroom back then and brought me to the hospital, but I felt understood by Mikey. "You can't help me! You have no idea! I lost everything now! There's nothing you can do!" He breathes in and out a few times while his eyes fill up with fear. Moments later, he pulls me into his arms. But besides the expected hug, he puts his lips on mine. My blood turns into fire that flows through my vanes and reaches every inch of my body in less than a second and burns every bad feeling, every bad thought. I was wrong. I do want to kiss him, I always wanted to. I've never had this feeling before. Not even with Mikey. I don't want this moment to end so I wrap my arms around him and hold him even closer.
He lets go of me a bit later, gasping for air.