'Cause I mean this more than words could ever say

Chapter 4

"Frankie?" Mikey and I are already lying in bed. Mikey is lying on the side looking at me. After he's said my name, I turn in my sheets to look right into his eyes. "You know I'm just acting like this because I'm scared to lose you, don't you?" He asks and looks like a sad puppy with his huge pretty eyes. I sigh. His eyes get even bigger and he looks like he's about to cry. "Of course..." I reply after a few seconds. Mikey pulls me closer and wraps his arms around me. "Please never leave Frankie! I'd kill myself if I'd have to live without you!" What? Is he serious? "I promise..." Of course I would never leave him but he scares me! Even though I'd probably end up the same if he'd leave me. Mikey is the only one who's keeping me alive by now! I can't leave him! Ever! I couldn't forgive myself if he'd hurt himself because of me...
______________________________

The next morning. Only one day left until I finally see my best friends again. They don't even live far away, fifteen minutes, maybe twenty if you're unlucky. How is it possible that I haven't seen them in so long? Well Mikey wasn't feeling too well... I didn't want to stress him even more and I wasn't really motivated to go out I guess. I get up and go into the kitchen. Mikey is already sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and a bowl of cornflakes. "Good Morning!" He's smiling at me and I already feel like this day can only be better than the others. I get myself a cup of coffee as well and sit down on a chair next to my boyfriend. "You need to eat Frank." He suddenly says. He looks worried. "What?" I do eat. "I do eat!" Don't I? "No you don't! The last time you ate was yesterday morning and you only ate one croissant if you can't remember!" He looks even more worried. Is he right? Why don't I notice that I don't eat more than that? I usually forget to eat or I just don't really feel hunger anymore so why should I force myself to eat? "Frank, I see your body. It changed. I'm worried about you!" Why should he be worried? I've always been small and skinny! That's me... "Promise me you'll eat!" He demands. "I promise..." A little smile sneaks onto his face and he gets up. "Good, I have to go to work now, please eat as much as you want or can! We've got everything here!" He kisses me, grabs his jacket, and leaves.
_____________________________

I'm not hungry. Why did he have to tell me that I don't eat? Shouldn't my body tell me? I promised Mikey I'd eat but he doesn't know how hard it is. I look at the pizza I just made and I don't feel like I could eat it. I know that I have to. I get up and go to the bathroom. I pull my shirt over my head. I almost forget to breathe. I can see my ribs through my skin. I am skinny, but that's not what shocks me too much. There are bruises. All over my chest, all over my arms. I quickly reach for my shirt and leave the bathroom. I sit down again and look at the pizza. I take the plate, go to the trash bin and throw it away. I just can't do it. I should take a nap, what could be wrong about a nap? Mikey won't get home until 5pm which means I've got 8 hours left. I go back to bed and fall asleep after just a few seconds.
_____________________________

I wake up to Mikey entering the apartment. I hear him closing the door and just a moment later he yells "I'm home!" I turn around and close my eyes again. I don't want to get up, he'll just ask me if I ate and will force me to eat more. I just want to sleep, what's wrong about that? "Frankie?" Mikey enters the bedroom. "Are you asleep?" He sounds surprised and kinda shocked. I nod. "Frank please tell me you haven't slept all day!" He says annoyed. "Get out!" I mumble into my pillow. "No, you need a bath." He says imperiously and pulls me out of my warm and cosy bed into the cold bathroom. He turns on the water and kneels down next to me on the floor. "Now come on." He starts pulling off my shirt. "No!" My eyes are still closed but I know he's annoyed. I don't want him to see the bruises or even worse, the cuts. He'd just say it's his fault and break down again and I don't want him to feel bad!
"Fine then." I can hear him getting on his feet again. I just want to go back to bed but Mikey doesn't leave the bathroom, instead I feel his arms under my legs and shoulders and he lifts me up. "What are you-" but I land in the filled bathtub before I can finish my sentence and I finally open my eyes to see Mikey sitting next to the bathtub. "What the fuck Mikey!" I never yelled at him, and I think I won't ever yell at him again. His right hand reaches for my neck and he pushes my head under the water. When he lets go of me I try to breathe but I didn't reach the air so all I breathe in is water and I choke on it. As soon as I get my head over the water, Mikey grabs my neck again and pushes me under water a second time. I will drown. I can't breathe. When he finally lets go of me again, I get my head over the water in less than a second and breathe heavily in and out still coughing so I don't choke on the water that I breathed in. "I'm trying to help you!" Mikey yells. He's completely wet because I moved so much. To be honest, the whole bathroom floor is wet. "I'm just trying to fucking help you Frank! Why are you treating me like that? Why are you doing this to me?" He leaves the bathroom and loudly closes the door behind him. I stay in the bathtub. Still completely dressed but now also crying. I reach for my razor blade. I should just do it. The pain reached every inch of my body and it feels like I'm burning inside. I'm shaking. I pull down my sleeve and- can't do it. I should've drowned. That wouldn't have been so hard! I can't make the decision to just leave Mikey! He'd break! I'm a horrible boyfriend! He's right! I'm treating him like trash! I can't even get myself to eat! He's just worried about me and I just act  egotistical! I should do whatever I can to make him happy and feel better but I even suck at that! He hates me! And he has every right to!
______________________________

A knock on the bathroom door distracts me and I drop the razor blade into the water. "Frankie? I have some clothes for you, you have to get out of these wet ones! Can I come in?" I hear Mikey ask. "Yeah." I mumble not knowing what he actually said. The door opens and Mikey comes in carrying some dry clothes in his arms. "God Frankie, you're still in there? It's been forty minutes!" He laughs. Forty minutes? Did I fall back asleep? I'm not sure but this definitely didn't feel like forty minutes. "Now get out of there and change into some dry clothes, you look ridiculous." He leaves without another word and I slowly get out of the bathtub. I struggle with the wet clothes that I'm wearing but I get out of them after a couple of minutes and look at myself in the mirror again. I can already see bruises around my neck. I have no fucking idea how I should hide those. I take a closer look at them. They're not too dark yet. I could wear a shirt with a collar. Or a hoodie. I have no idea if that would work. I turn away and look at the clothes that Mikey brought me. I put them on and look into the mirror again. Mikey will be so mad at himself and it's my fault!