'Cause I mean this more than words could ever say

Chapter 9

Gerard borrowed me some clothes. I'm now wearing his shirt with the Batman logo on it which looks like a huge dress on me. He also got me some sweat pants. I'm sitting on the couch again watching TV. Gerard went upstairs to put my clothes into the washing machine because they smelled horrible. Ray left for work like an hour ago so I'm quite bored.
I always told him not to work on Saturdays.
I always got bored when him and Gerard were busy on the weekends cause I only worked from Monday to Thursday, but we needed money. At least Gerard stayed home today, but only because I'm such a wrack. I get up and walk around in my old home. Sometimes, I wish I never left, but I always feel horrible afterwards because that means I regret leaving. Leaving for Mikey. I put my hands in my pockets and inspect the photos that are hanging on the walls. I stop as soon as I see me and Mikey. My eyes are burning and I feel tears in them. I turn around and go into the kitchen. Nothing really changed here either. The table is still in the same place just like the couch in the living room. I get myself another coffee and look at the to do list that is still hanging on the fridge.
'Call Frankie' it says at the top of the list.
I smile a little and leave the kitchen. When I enter the living room, Gerard is coming down the stairs. "Hey!" He says in a happy voice. He's smiling at me and something in my stomach is tickling for some reason as he comes closer and gives me a hug.
"How're you feeling?" He whispers. "I'm okay." I actually am. The pain isn't too bad anymore and I can ignore the stings that I feel here and there when I move. "That's good." He's still smiling. "Do you need anything?" He asks after a few seconds that we've spent just smiling at each other. "You seem exhausted." His voice sounds carrying. I shake my head. I'm tired but I know that I won't be able to sleep tonight if I go to bed now. "I'm fine." He looks down at me and I can see that he's happy about what I just said. "That's great." He pulls me into another hug and the same tickling feeling finds its way into my stomach again as he strokes my back. For some reason, we don't stop hugging.
Not until he suddenly breathes in heavily and lets go of me. He's smiling at me with so much sympathy in his eyes that it makes me feel warm inside. I suddenly remember what Mikey said after he hugged me a couple of days ago and I know that Gee must've felt my bones as well which makes me feel insecure now. A few moments later, I can't stop myself from crying. "I know that I'm skinny." I'm looking at my feet and tears are running down my face. "What?" He sounds confused and I look at him with huge eyes as I start sobbing. "I'm trying Gee! I don't want to look like this but I do! And I know I look horrible!" I'm yelling at him and I can see the pain in his eyes before I look down at my feet again. "What? No! Frank please! Look at you! You're the most beautiful man I've ever known!" He's lying. "But my body-" I begin my sentence as he interrupts me. "I've seen your body Frank. I don't care what it looks like. I care about your health." He says calmly before I can look back into his eyes which are also filled with tears. "It's not your fault Frankie." Of course it is. "Non of this is..." He looks down at my neck and my chest. See? Of course it's my fault! These bruises are my fault! His own brother is hurting and he's on my side? I know I'm his friend, maybe I'm his best friend, but I'm also the one hurting his brother! "Please promise me you won't go back to him..." What? "What? Gee I have to! I have to apologise!" I can almost hear his heart break as I say it. "But you can't! And there's nothing you need to apologise for! He could kill you this time Frank!" Tears are running down his face as his voice breaks. "He's your brother! How could you think that?" I'm yelling at him. Yelling at my best friend. "I know Frank. And I love him with all my heart but this isn't my brother! It's what the world did to him! And something makes him hurt you!" He's wrong. "Not something Gee! Someone! And that someone is me! I'm making him do these things! And being here doesn't make it better!" I turn around and run towards the door. "Frank!" Gerard grabs my arm. "Fucking let me go!" I'm crying so bad that I can't even yell anymore. "No Frank! You'll calm down now!" He pulls me back into his arms but I keep my hands to my chest. I want to push him away but I don't. "I won't give up on either of you." He whispers into my ear. My breath gets weaker and I finally put my arms around him. "Just promise me you won't let him do things like that to you ever again." I swallow.
"I promise..." I whisper after a moment. His chest is sagging and he relaxes his shoulders. He seems relieved. "We should change your bandages." I nod.
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"I don't get what should be so special about that movie." My eyes get huge and I slowly open my mouth. "It's A Nightmare Before Christmas Gee! Ouch!" I put my hand on my chest to show him that his words broke my heart. "Yeah but what's the story? We've watched this movie a thousand times and I don't see what should be so fascinating about it." My eyes get even wider and I act even more hurt. "It's a masterpiece Gee!" My voice is incredibly high and I sound like a little child trying to justify itself. "Also, you're the one with the Jack Skellington onesie!" He's smiling and I can't stop myself from laughing.
"Yeah but I didn't know!" He's laughing as well and I jokingly hit his chest with the back of my hand which makes him laugh even more.
"What the fuck is wrong with you two?" Ray came downstairs, we must've woken him up. He yawns and stops as we turn around and look at him. "Oh shit did we wake you up?" Gerard starts coughing to stop himself from laughing but he fails tragically which makes me  laugh worse than ever. "Nah it's fine, but what's so funny?" He seems tired and I feel bad for laughing but I just can't stop before my chest starts to hurt horribly. "Ow." I whisper suddenly. "Frank are you okay?" I look up and see that both of them are looking worried, I notice that my hand rushed to my chest and I try to breathe normally. "Yeah..." I don't know if I am but I don't want them to be worried again. "I think I just need some sleep..." Gerard nods. "Okay..." he whispers. He helps me up and I notice how tired I actually am.
"So since you chose to take your bed with you when you moved out..." he laughs a little and so do I.
"It's okay, I like the couch tho." I joke still laughing but Gerard stopped.
"What? Jesus Christ Frank you need actual sleep." He puts his hands round my shoulders and smiles. "You'll take my bed okay?" He smiles even brighter when he notices the confusion that finds its way on my face. "What-" but he already pushes me towards the stairs. I feel like a millstone around his neck. He now has to sleep on the couch even though he already didn't sleep at all last night, also because of me. "Gerard honestly I can sleep on the couch, I don't wanna-" I can't finish my sentence because Gerard distracts me as he stops at the top of the stairs and turns himself in front of me. I feel so ashamed that I can't even look into his eyes. He clears his throat. "Frank look at me." I look up a little and my heart skips a beat as I see his smile again. "Hm?" He sighs. "Do you need anything?" I don't want to be alone. "No..." He gives me a short hug and opens the door to his bedroom. I slowly follow him, looking at my feet again and my hands in my pockets. I notice that I've never been in his bedroom since he renovated it a few months ago. He painted the walls in a dark red and he has a new bed. "Wooow!" I say as I enter the room. He chuckles. "So this is where the magic happens." I quickly look at him, irritated about the joke he just made.
"I'm joking Frank I'm lonely as fuck." He says before he breaks out in laughter. This man will never grow up, and if he will, I'll stop him. When he calms down, he bites his lip for a second and looks at my forearm.
"Okay, I'm downstairs, you can wake me up any time... and if you wanna talk I-" I finally find the courage to talk again.
"I don't wanna be alone." I'm talking very fast. I'm chewing on my lip piercing as my face gets warm. I quickly look at my feet again and I already regret being honest for once.
"Okay... okay." He says in a firm voice.
"No, I'm okay." My voice isn't nearly as strong which may comes from the fact that I'm lying. "Frank, I'll stay." I look up into his eyes and a smile rushes over his lips as I nod.