To Have Loved [BxB] Book I ✓

Chapter 7

Kayden let out a quiet sigh, gently tugging at his hair as he read over the same passage in his history textbook for the fifth time. He needed to do better on this test, but his mind kept wandering off. It physically hurt to keep staring at his textbook, it felt like fighting a windstorm to keep moving his attention back to the page only to realize he hadn't actually made any progress as far as learning it. He did great on the class assignments, but as soon as he got to the test, he forgot everything he thought he'd learned and froze up.

Three weeks into the school year and he was already disappointing himself and everyone else. He dug his nails into his palms, he was not about to start crying over a fucking history test. He let out a breath, going over the passage again, understanding about half of it that time. The problem wasn't that he was illiterate or unintelligent, he could understand the meanings of each individual word, it was just that history was so mind-numbingly boring that he couldn't pay attention to it. The next test was on the second chapter of the textbook which was largely talking about the ancient Aztec civilization which sounded interesting, but the way it was explained was overly wordy and uninteresting which made it practically impossible for Kayden to engage with. 

He took out his earbuds, thinking maybe it'd help to not be listening to music, but then the subtle noises of the coffee shop were all still there. The footsteps of students' shoes against the wood floor, Theo's pen tapping against his paper, the splashing of coffee into a paper cup, the cashier quietly talking to the person at the front. Kayden covered his ears, but he still couldn't seem to make it any quieter. He flinched slightly when Grant touched his arm. 

"Please don't touch me." He said quietly, already trying to take in too many things at once. 

"Are you alright?" Grant asked and he took a breath.

"Yeah, fine. I think I just need some air." He said, getting up and walking outside to sit on the stone railing. It was quieter outside, just a few birds chirping and people talking off in the distance. It felt less closed in. He looked out across the mowed lawn and wondered how much the guy who did that got paid, it looked nice. It was only a few minutes before he was calmed down again, and even though he loathed the idea of trying to go back to studying history, he knew he needed to. His test was in a few days and he needed to be ready for it. 

"Hey, what happened in there?" He heard Grant ask, his voice not demanding or angry, just a bit concerned. He shrugged a little. 

"It was just too loud I guess, like, too warm and too many noises at once and I couldn't focus on anything." He said, running his fingers through his hair. 

"We could move our stuff out here if it's better for you." He suggested and Kayden looked up at him. 

"You don't have to do that."

"No, really, it's not too cold out, we should all enjoy the nice day while we have it," Grant said and Kayden smiled. 

"But if they're all not down for it, I'm fine with staying inside." He said and Grant nodded, walking back in to get them. 

It wasn't long before they were all sat out on the grass doing mostly the same as what they'd been doing a few minutes earlier. Ezra was working on a science assignment, Grant was drawing, Brooks sat reading under a tree, Theo was still studying, and Kayden was back to trying to study. It was worlds easier outside, though he just couldn't seem to get in the zone like he sometimes could. 

Sometimes, focusing came to him like magic, he could just sit down and work for hours without being distracted by anything, and he took it all in like a sponge. Hyperfocus had its pros and cons, most of the pros being that he got all of his work done at once and was able to retain massive amounts of information, but during that time he didn't take care of himself,  he didn't eat or sleep or get up to pee, and afterward, he would likely be burnt out for a whole weekend if not a week. His psychiatrist had said that was common with ADHD, and funnily enough, hyperfocus was seen as the one glimmering gem of his disorder, it was the 'superpower' of ADHD, but that made it seem like something he could just summon at will when it wasn't like that at all. At the best of times, it was there for him when all hope was lost on catching up, like a parachute, but at the worst of times, it only put him more behind as he tended to hyperfocus the most on completely useless things. He'd be trying to do homework, and suddenly, he'd have the incredible urge to research the life cycle of elephants or that one obscure psychological phenomenon that he'd just remembered he wanted to look into. It was a struggle trying to get anything finished when his brain was all over the place, and when it wasn't, his thoughts were in a fog and he hardly had enough mind to be present and noticing the things going on around him.