To Have Loved [BxB] Book I ✓

Chapter 21

Four more days went past without Kayden hardly noticing, time could be terrifying like that. If he was waiting for something, there was too much of it, but if there was a due date coming, he never had enough, and it slipped through his fingers like fine sand. Every time this happened, it always happened the same. He'd take the days for granted until there wasn't enough of them and then he'd wish he'd done it differently. He was never able to change it though, he didn't know how. Somehow, it wasn't just willpower, because he knew he was trying, even if no one else could see it. It was something else, like a mental brick wall that he couldn't break through.

Four more days had gone past, but he still had six, so he wasn't worried. What was there to be worried about? Exams? Psh, a piece of paper with a couple of questions couldn't scare him, he would be fine. Or that was what he kept telling himself anyway. Deep down, he knew he was terrified that he'd run out of time and his life would fall apart like a crumbling castle on the beach knocked over by a wave. He did anything he could to forget about it all, he binged tv shows for hours on end, he'd spend his evenings at the skate park with Milo, Luke, and El, and he'd drink or smoke whatever they had. He always woke up in his bed in the morning with little recollection of how he got back, but he figured there was probably some amount of skating into mailboxes and stumbling over his own feet involved.

It was a Tuesday afternoon, and midterms weren't until Monday, there was practically an eternity between now and then, which meant he had time to go into town and shop for Christmas presents. Sure, he knew he probably should be studying or doing homework, but at the moment, he didn't have the motivation for that, so maybe getting out and taking a walk through town would give him enough energy to get his work done. Maybe it wouldn't, but he had to try. It's not like he was studying anyway, he'd spent the last hour sitting on his bed with his textbook open doodling on a blank sheet of paper. Getting Christmas presents for his friends was just objectively more productive than that, and any sort of productivity sounded like good productivity to Kayden.

He grabbed his wallet and threw on a hoodie, stepping out of his dorm. His gaze shifted for a moment down the hall to Elias' dorm. Kayden knew he'd be in there studying, where else would he be? If he wanted, he could probably go apologize and ask for help, and for a moment, he almost thought he would, but Kayden wasn't the kind of person who apologized, and it'd be weird now. Still, he knew this whole thing wouldn't have been an issue in the first place if he'd just listened to Elias when he told him what to do, and if Kayden really didn't need him, then why was he so hopelessly flailing without him?

He brushed off the thought. He was doing fine without Elias, and he couldn't bear the thought of giving the blond the satisfaction of knowing he'd been right. How could Kayden even think of such a thing? To go to Elias and beg him for help? No, absolutely not. Kayden may have been bad at studying, but he would not grovel, especially not at the feet of Elias Astor.

He turned the corner and made his way out of the dorm building, only sparing a glance to the cafe where he knew his friends would be quietly studying, cramming in information before the exams. Theo had told him the other night that he really should consider starting on that, but Kayden had all but dismissed it. His excuses were starting to sound unreasonable even to him. He had the time, he had the energy, everyone was telling him that he absolutely, without a doubt, could not bullshit his way through these tests, and still, he pretended that he could, that six days was enough time. He knew he was just getting more and more anxious about it, his chest felt tight constantly, he could feel the days passing, and yet, he felt like he couldn't legitimately do anything to stop it.

If he told Elias, he would probably help, he had always been as understanding of Kayden as he could be, even if he didn't understand it personally. He always went out of his way to break up the work for Kayden and help him to comprehend it so it wasn't so hard to do, but now that he had to do that on his own, he didn't know if he could. He was so used to doing everything at once at the last minute, but for a few short months, he'd experienced doing things on time, studying beforehand, breaking up big due dates into smaller ones, and he enjoyed it, but Elias was the only bridge he could imagine existing between his old work style and his new one. The worst part was that Elias hadn't even been the one to put Kayden in this situation, he wouldn't do that, all he'd asked was for the redhead to start making small steps toward his own academic independence. Kayden had been the one to cut Elias off and say he didn't need him. He wished now that he'd just tried harder to communicate the problem, and now he felt like he couldn't fix it, it was too late.