To Have Loved [BxB] Book I ✓

Chapter 42

a/n: Hey, so I know it's been a while since my last chapter, and I formally apologize to everyone who's been stuck waiting around while I had no writing motivation. Also, I just wanted to say, the attitude Elias takes in this chapter toward productivity is not healthy, especially not for Kayden. Please, I implore you, especially for people who are Autistic or ADHD who get burnt out easily and struggle with executive dysfunction, do not put work over your mental health. Being behind is not worse than having multiple mental breakdowns over the same group of assignments. I know that a lot of times Elias has relatively good advice and this book sometimes gives helpful tips for how to deal with low motivation and productivity, but this is not one of them, it's a display of how Elias being neurotypical and extremely high-achieving with a workaholic mindset is feeding into Kayden's self-hatred and belief that he should just work through burnout instead of taking care of himself and Elias just isn't realizing how detrimental that is. Take care of yourself, and address your primary needs before trying to push through a mountain of homework. I felt this disclaimer was necessary because I know so many people like me constantly tell themself they just need to keep going when they're already pushing themself to a breaking point and hearing someone tell them they need to push harder because they're not doing enough can be incredibly destructive. I love you guys, and I hope you're all doing well. I also hope you enjoy the chapter!

Kayden sat in his early morning English class, resting his cheek in his hand as he stared out the window. He hadn't been sleeping well recently, or eating really. He wasn't sure what exactly had changed, maybe just knowing that the school year was coming to an end sooner than later. The April trip was in three days, and after that began the last month of school. Technically, the last month of school was June because it didn't end until June 2nd, but finals were in the last week of May. The last two days were just for packing up and leaving, though of course there was a banquet before that. It just felt like everything was ending so quickly and he didn't know that he was ready for it to. He didn't feel anywhere near prepared for finals, but he also didn't feel ready to leave all of his friends either. It wasn't lost on him that next year would be his senior year and the last year before everyone he knew would be splitting off to go separate places. Maybe a few of his friends would follow him to Yale, assuming he got in, but he knew deep down that there was only one person he didn't think he could bare to lose, and he was also the only one Kayden would definitely have to. The universe worked in funny ways. Sometimes he felt like his life was a setup for a very cruel joke where he was consistently the punchline, and somewhere, sitting in a little room, someone was laughing painfully hard. 

"Kayden-" He looked up, his tired eyes settling on the teacher. 

"Sorry, what was the question?"

"I need your reading notes," Kayden just looked at him in confusion. There had been homework? "The poetry assignment. You were supposed to pick out three Edgar Allen Poe works and notate them." Shit. 

"I...must have missed that," He murmured. He'd been studying for the Latin test later that day which he was pretty sure he was going to fail, and doing homework for science that he definitely should have started a day earlier and still didn't finish in time, and then on top of all that he realized at midnight that he'd forgotten to work on his piece for the newspaper. 

Mr. Adler moved on, though Kayden couldn't ignore the way Elias looked at him, as if he would have never expected this. He was disappointed and probably mad. Kayden hadn't missed an assignment in months, he didn't know what had happened, it had just all piled up so suddenly. He figured Elias would realize sooner or later that he was shit at school when he didn't have everything made easy for him, and sometimes even when he did apparently. 

At the end of class, Kayden picked up his things and made a beeline for the door, but as soon as he got into the hall, he heard the blond's voice. "Kayden, wait-" He wasn't sure why that was all it took for his feet to plant themselves where they were.