To Have Loved [BxB] Book I ✓

Chapter 44

a/n: Alright, so I think this is the longest chapter in the book. It's 2,600 words. I kind of just started writing and kept going until I found a good stopping point, so I hope you guys like the longer-than-average chapter length. Oh also, there is some smut, but I made it pretty easy to skip it for anyone who would be uncomfortable with it. After the smut scene starts (I believe in the last third of the chapter) it just goes until pretty much the end of the chapter and you're not going to be missing any valuable plot points by skipping it. Also, I don't know why, but I always get so self-conscious about writing smut. I think I just don't do it enough, but I always overthink it. Anyways, I hope you guys all enjoy the chapter and have a great day or night. Remember to take care of yourselves!

After the bus ride ended, Ezra took his things up to his room and then spent the rest of the day mostly avoiding Grant. He didn't ever mention it, neither of them had said anything had changed in the past few months, but he knew Grant knew it too. Neither of them had brought it up since the Valentine's day party, but they were slowly drifting further apart. Kayden's question had made him feel sick. He didn't like to think about it. He didn't like the thought that he'd done something irreparable, something he could never take back. And the worst part was, he didn't even know if he wanted to take the kiss back. A part of him hated himself for doing it at all, but another part just wished he could erase the moment after when he'd shoved him away so he could stay in that hopeful perfect few seconds just a little longer. He never told Grant how long he'd felt like that about him. Truthfully, Ezra wasn't even sure when it started, but somewhere along the line, he developed this sort of ache that gnawed at him whenever his best friend smiled in that stupid, confident, perfect way that only Grant could smile. He was persistent in shoving it away, and after years, he'd gotten pretty good at forgetting the feeling was there, it had made a home in him and he came to peace with it. On the night of the party though, he realized how thoroughly it had been eating him alive. 

After dinner, Ezra was sitting in bed with his laptop open, thinking over ideas for the next week's newspaper, mostly so he could keep his eyes off Grant who was reading in the other bed. It was late, he only had a few more hours before he could go to sleep and cross the day off. Every night had been like that since the fight. Ezra always made sure he was too busy to talk just in case Grant decided he wanted to. They hardly talked about anything anymore, and it killed Ezra, but he didn't know how to say that without talking about what had happened and he couldn't talk about what had happened. 

Grant picked up the tv guide and remote before turning the tv on. He flipped through channels until Ezra heard something he recognized and looked up from his screen. 

"Is that The Goldfinch?" He asked, his eyes lighting up with the realization that one of his favorite movies was playing on cable tv. 

"Haven't you already seen this about a thousand times?" Grant asked with a small, teasing smile.

Ezra rolled his eyes. "It definitely hasn't been more than five hundred."

"I'd beg to differ," Grant murmured with a quiet chuckle. 

They both quieted and watched the movie for a few minutes after that, the two of them confined to their separate beds. Ezra wanted to be closer to him, and he remembered some nights before the fight they would even sit in bed together, watching a movie on one of their laptops, but everything was different now. Ezra let out a soft, pained breath. He couldn't do this anymore.

"I can't stand not talking to you." He said softly. 

"Then talk to me," Grant said, though there was an edge of spite to his voice. 

"You're still mad at me," He murmured. 

Grant sighed. "You can't just say that and expect things to go back to normal, Ezra," He said, gritting his teeth. "Do you think that I wasn't hurt by what you did? Do you really think you don't need to apologize for any of it?"