As You Lie Awake

35

"Your ex triggered your depression, Shaira," my psychiatrist stated, "You should take anti depressants again to stop panic attacks. I'm still looking for a safe way to cope now."

Tumango ako.

"I have two coping ways for you, Shaira. We have confrontational coping. It's when you overcome your fear by exposing yourself with it and learning how to deal with it over time. The second one is to let yourself feel what you feel right now. You see, you're doing it again, the escape-avoidance thing. You won't heal that way, Shaira." Paalala niya sa 'kin.

Ever since I started being in therapy and attending psychiatric help, it really hits bottom whenever the doctors talk. It's like they're hitting the right answer and telling you what you need. Pero 'yung iba kong na-attend-an, hindi ko talaga ginusto ang pananalita. I looked for a better doctor so here I am.

It sinked in to me and she asked me, "What do you think would work for you?"

I tried so hard to be honest. I answered the first one. Kaya natin 'yon, 'di ba, Shaira? Alam ko sa sarili ko kung gaano kataas ang pride ko at ang kagustuhan kong may mapatunayan sa kanya. He triggered my depression but he didn't really do anything to me. It's all my demons talking.

"Well, if that works for you... I would recommend closure... or a standard relationship with that person. Pero kung hindi niya pa 'yon kayang ibigay o ikaw mismo, 'wag mong pilitin ang sarili mo, alright? The medicine I recommended is your way of coping for now. I'll look into it."

Tumango ako. Ralph and Jaycee knew about this. Of course, kanino pa ba ako magsasabi? Lumabas na ako ng opisina ni Dra. Francisco. She's from California and Ralph recommended her to be my doctor. Isang taon na siyang bumalik sa Pilipinas dahil dito rin talaga siya nakatira, pagkatapos ko ring maka-recover mula sa severe anxiety and depression ko noon. I still seek for consultation but online.

The floor of the hospital made me remember the same white tiles I saw for weeks in California. Here I am again.

"How's the check up?" Halos sabay pang tanong ni Ralph at Jaycee.

"Maayos." I answered and went inside the car.

"Tangina, Shaira, ayusin mo naman sagot mo!" Reklamo ni Jaycee.

"Maayos nga, bitch! Kung hindi maayos e 'di sana nakaratay ulit ako sa hospital?" Irap ko kay Jaycee.

"Ang sarap mong i-kiss talaga, bitch. Kung hindi lang talaga kita kaibigan!" aniya. Natawa ako. Nakisali si Ralph sa tawa ko pero nang-asar din.

"Hinga, Jaycee." Ani Ralph, nginingisian din ako.

"I swear, the check up's okay! I just have to drink some meds and... 'yun. 'Yun lang naman sinabi ni doc," sabi ko.

I don't want them to know that I need closure or a standard relationship kay Gabriel dahil baka mas i-push nila ako ro'n! I want to take things slow... I'm not rushing anything since Gabriel isn't going somewhere naman. Or if he is... then whatever! I don't know, I'll probably suffer alone. That's what happened last week. Hindi nalaman ni Mama ang tungkol do'n and I'm thankful na hindi. My mom's pregnant and I don't want her to go here just because of that. I also settled our little fight. So the plan is to get the property and follow my plans from Seattle.

But for now... Wala muna akong gagawin. Tama muna. Gabriel's still not over us, huh, Ralph? One day, I'll regret this stupidity. But maybe I would also remember... That after all, this made me happy. Even if it's ephemeral. Nagpaka-busy ako sa ibang branch at sa mga iba ko pang business partners. I also took reports from the income of Villa Guerrero on Seattle. Sa totoo lang ay hindi na 'yon kailangan dahil may mga in-assign akong mga gagawa no'n. Pero gusto ko lang munang tumakas sa iba ko pang iniisip.