As You Lie Awake

42

"Shaira, doon ka na sa manager mo, please? I just... can't bear my life being ruined by a mistress... It's too much... I-I have so much planned ahead of us." Candice cried to me.

Of all things, why would that be the word that describes me? Putang ina, ni isa sa mga 'yan alam kong wala ako. Alam kong hindi ako. Ganyan ang lagi niya sa 'king pinamukha noong nalaman kong fiancé siya ni Gabriel. She pushed me to my fucking limits. I know I deserve better.

Now all I can hear is Ralph's angelic voice that could help me.

"I know a person who can help you, Shaira." Ralph glanced at me while struggling to find the paper he was talking about, "Pero sa Seattle. Kaya ka niyang turuan. Para makapag-umpisa ka ng name, you know." Tumango ako. Kailangan ko 'yon. Ipinakita niya sa 'kin ang mga papeles na may kinalaman sa taong sinasabi niya. Ngumiti ako ng kaunti sa sarili. Aalis ako. Ito naman talaga pangarap ko, e. Kaya sa lahat ng inoffer ni Ralph na alam kong makaka-tulong sa 'kin, sa 'min ni Mama, tinanggap ko.

I'm glad I did. Even if it became so hard to adjust because that wasn't my comfort zone. It was like I was back to zero even if I already graduated. But thank God. Thank God, I survived. Year had passed and I really made a name. Just for 3 years! From Seattle all the way to the Philippines. I can still remember my early years there.

"Ms. Guerrero! What are you doing there?! You should be cleaning these!" The head chef screamed so loud I could even see his ears having smoke.

Napatingin ako sa mga tao sa restaurant na 'to sa Seattle dahil napahiya na naman ako. Tang-inang 'to talaga. Umalis ako sa paglilinis ng mga mesa para linisan naman 'yung sinasabi niya. Unang buwan ko pa lang 'to pero feeling ko 'di ako masasanay. O baka lang. Bro, I don't freaking know! Bwisit lang talaga ako rito sa bida-bidang chef. Tina-try ko namang mag-adjust pa, e, siyempre wala naman akong choice.

Pero nakakainis... Nakaka-miss. I hate to admit this. Nakaka-miss ang Pilipinas. I needed to work so I could at least pay for the house we are staying in. Kami ni Mama. Sinagot kasi ni Ralph at ni Tita lahat, e. Talagang pinagtyatyagaan ko na lang talagang makapagbayad kahit sa bahay. Ayaw kong maging pabigat.

"What? Are you done?!" Sigaw ulit sa 'kin.

I sighed because I really am pissed about how he treats us! Halos lahat kami rito, e, sinusungitan! Buti pa 'yung chef na ni-recommend ni Ralph, e, mabait sa 'kin kapag nagtuturo. Etong pinagtrabahuhan ko? Tangina, wala.

"Yes, Chef," sagot ko.

"Now, cook here!" Tagaktak na 'yung pawis ko kasi kanina pa 'ko kilos nang kilos. Hindi ko na lang din namalayan 'yung oras. Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng pagluluto nang marinig ko 'yung bell sa labas. Bell ng simbahan. May malapit kasing simbahan dito.

Napatigil tuloy ako sa ginagawa.

Kumusta na kaya sila Pastora Lily? Pastor Bob? Si Gabriel? Halos matawa 'ko. Pakasal na siya ro'n! O kung nasasaktan ko pa rin siya hanggang ngayon, dapat lang. Masaktan ka lang diyan, Gabriel. My heart hurt. Nagbago tuloy ang ekspresyon ko. Guilt. Hatred. That were the things that always made me remember him. But deep inside, I know, hatred wouldn't do me such thing. It'll just ease my pain. To feel angry for everything will ease my pain. My feelings. To despise him. The past suddenly came back to my mind like a wave from the sea. Ipinilig ko ang ulo ko. Masakit pa rin. Alam ko ring mahirap. But I know... I did the right thing. To save myself. To choose myself.