Confessions of a Bitch

Awkward Situations and Detention Slips

Dad begins choking on his pizza. Mum's eyes widen and she hurries towards him and slams her fist hard on his back before he leans back on his seat in exhaustion. "You're... you're... you're pregnant?" He runs his hand through his hair, "I think I need a drink."  

Dad has something known as kid phobia. I'm not sure if it's the proper term for the phobia of kids, but he shows all the symptoms of it, such as hyperventilating and wheezing like a dying chimpanzee when around them, making weird noses like a constipated man who hasn't had a proper use of the loo in a month, and doing his best to stay away from kids by making excuses to avoid social gatherings that include children. Sometimes I wonder how he'll react when he gets grandkids. He'll probably run away from the hospital and refuse to see them until they turn eight. 

"Mike," Mum touches the side of his face and gives an evil grin. "I'm not pregnant." 

"What?!" Dad's jaw plummets to the floor. Even now I'm confused. 

"But you said you were pregnant!" I exclaim throwing my hands up in the air. 

Mum grins. "That was to get your attention. And now that I have it..." She goes into a long pause that has dad dreading what she's going to say next. 

"You're not having twins are you babe?" He asks with a groan. 

Mum frowns, "I'm not pregnant." 

"Oh yes. I forget about that." 

Mum straightens up in a regal manner, like Keira Knightley does while acting in The Dutchess and says, "I'm joining a cooking club." 

"Oh Lord help us." Dad moans, rubbing his temples. "Did you just say you're joining a cooking club?" 

Mum nods excitedly. I think I'm about to puke. "So you're joining a cooking club? Like an actual cooking club?" 

Mum begins to look frustrated, "Yes! For heaven's sake, yes, I'm joining a cooking club!" 

"But you can't cook." Dad blurts out. 

Mum swats him on the shoulder, "That's why I'm joining a cooking club." 

"Dad, do we have insurance for our home and contents?" I ask turning to him. 

"I think so." 

Mum looks horrified, "What's going on both of you?" 

"We're just a bit worried you'll burn down the house babe." Dad tries explaining as gently as he can but the hesitation is clear in his voice. He's petrified. 

Mum huffs, "Well, when have I ever tried to burn down the house?" 

"About three hours ago to be exact." I reply with a smirk. 

Mum's eyes darken and we begin an eye staring competition. Dad sinks into his seat. "That's it!" Mum announces. "I'm joining the cooking club whether you like it or not, and that is final!" 

"You better check our insurance policy dad." I say elbowing him. He laughs one of his deep laughs and I soon join him. 

Mum is not impressed. "I love you babe!" He calls out she storms out of the dining area. 

"You're sleeping on the couch tonight." She bellows without turning around. 

Dad sighs. "I'm going to make it up to her now. Let's just hope she doesn't destroy the house." He winks and drops a kiss on my forehead. "Goodnight Amanda. See you later and get cracking on your homework." 

I grunt. "Sure." 

He smiles and leaves. "Goodnight princess." 

"Night dad."