I woke up crying over the same dream, a nightmare that I could never escape from. I burried my face on my palm as the memory keeps on repeating in my head — a woman repeatedly shot my heart right before my eyes. I couldn't do anything, I was there but she told me to fuck off. I wanted to step out and block every bullet of her words before they hurt me but my muscles couldn't move as if I was frozen on the spot, even my tears couldn't come out. I was terrified, frightened, traumatized. The girl I loved the most was being disgusted in front of me and I couldn't do anything. Loud laughters echoed coming from the group of fans with her friends. I was bathing with her tears, she was laughing while I was continuously shot by her until she stopped laighing. I couldn't count how many times i was shot by the bullet of judgement. They were too many, too much for me that I felt like I was going insane. I cried in silence and I bit my lip until it bled to stop my sobs. How can I escape this nightmare. Tell me how?
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"Why don't you go out again?", chaeyoung tried to encourage me for the nth time. I guess she might have heard me crying last night.
"I don't know how to meet jennie's eyes anymore", I said and continued stirring my coffee. rośe will be gone to solo practice later and I'll be left here in apartment again — alone, lonely, and empty.
After dreaming of coming out as bisexual to jennie, I didn't know how to live anymore. It's like my world stop revolved around. No scratch that — she is my world. And I don't know what to do without her. She's my compass and my north star who gave direction to my life.
"You know how. How about the party somi was invited you to?", she took a sip from her coffee and looked at me.
"Oh shoot our deal ", I looked down and fidgeted my fingers remembering the deal with somi.
"Lisa..... ", chaeyoung dragged out and glanced at me worriedly.
"I'm..I'm not ready for this conversation rosie. I can't sleep at night because I'm thinking about her", I felt a sting on my chest and I swallowed the lump forming on my throat.
"Why don't you come with me, with the gang tonight. They miss you so much", chaeyoung's yearning eyes looked at me.
"You just locked yourself in your room for the whole day", she added.
"I... I can't", I answered. Everytime I'm thinking about having fun, going out or just being happy, I feel so guilty. I feel like I'm betraying jennie for being happy without her. And as if rośe was reading my mind, she spoke again.
"Jennie is happy with gd oppa you shoul be happy too and I know that you're not taking care of yourself"
I shook my head and turned around.
"Jennie won't be happy if she'll know that I already forgot about her to hangout and party with somi you know?", I turned around and thought about going back to my room. I don't want to argue with her anymore.
"You won't forget about her like this lis. I didn't forget about her wrong doing too. But we all have to move on lis. She will remain in our eyes and to blackpink", chae said in almost begging tone.
"I don't want to be happy without her, am too crazy??", I muttered before I started to walk back to my room.
"Dont be unfair to yourself. She will be happy if you're happy and she is laughing with another man now so you've to be honest with yourself because it's you who matters to me most lisa.", I heard her say. I didn't mind her and just tried to close my eyes as I lay down on my bed. If only I can just sleep forerver, I want to dream about being accepted. I want to talk to her, I want to hug her and feel her not as my lover but as bestfriend is it too hard?. I miss her so much. I want to be with her. I didn't noticed my tears were already streaming down my face.
But deep down I listened to my brain speakin
"Follow the list lisa.
Be selfish...."
"I miss you but I cant", I murmured against my pillow.
"I miss you so much"
"Lis please listen to me", Jisoo Unnie knocked on my door. I opened my eyes and wiped my tears.
"Look, I'm not saying that you should be happy, instead of mourning. But I want you to live lis. We should learn to accept what happened. You need to live and move on.", she said behind the door. I stood up and went in front of the door but I refused to open it for her so she spoke again.
"I am like your big sister and I can't even do anything to help you and it hurts", she started to puled and I felt my tears welling up again.
"As a oldest, I never stopped finding those people who hurted my bestfriend. It hurts for me too, lis.. but we all have to live and you've so much better things waiting for you.", she sniffled and audibly sobbed. jisoo has a strong character and I rarely see her cry so whenever she cries, that means it really hurts her that much. I slowly opened the door and I found her weeping.
"Can I just go with somi?", I was slowly losing my gut to live. She stopped sobbing and looked at me with disbelief.
"What did you say?", her sadness turned to happiness.
"I want to be with somi tonight. I wanted to be selfish unnie.", I said with conviction. I will just cause pain to everyone if I continue to live like this. I feel like I will just make it hard for them enduring my situation.so this moment I am living with myself and stop being hard headed.
"Jennie it's time to let go of you."
Lisa murmured.
"That's so cool! Are you going to leave like right now? Don't you love dresses? Hurry up lis it's getting late be ready for partt", chaeyoung almost screamed the last words. She's happt I know, she's deeply happy with what I said.
Because she knows I am slowly letting go of her.
"I had to forget everything Unnie. I can't take this anymore", I started to break down. I felt my knees getting weak and I curled my knees up on my chest as I sat down on the floor.
"I'm so scared Unnie. I'm so scared to be happy", I wept and Jisoo Unnie kneeled down on my level to hug me tight.
"I'm here, we are here. Please don't think like that. Let me help you. Please let us help you.", she pleaded as she hugged me in her arms.
"It scares me. Everything keeps repeating in my head. But what scares me the most is the possibility that I might forget my true self. That I might not be able to live without her if ever she finds out that I love her", I said as I uttered my words. I felt like the only solution is to be gone.
"That's what we want lis, we want you to live happily because you're our lisa. Bisexual or straight or lesbian its you lis.Please lis, we dont want you to suffer anymore".
I breathed out and closed my eyes. I really can't live without these two.
So i am going to be selfish Jennie for now.
YOU ARE READING
Control lili
Fanfiction"Baby why are you doing this to me? why are you hurting this much please speak." "No, we're not doing this anymore unnie." If you wanna know about the story please read kindly.
