Control lili

what iffs??

“No… I was never okay at all.”

Those six words hit me straight to the gut. They’re like the hottest ray of the sun hitting on every inch of my skin – stinging, burning, made me feel so guilty.

How could I be so naïve? Is there even a word that could describe how stupid am I to not know my best friend’s feelings for me? She likes me, or maybe even more than that. Yes, it has crossed my mind that all those sweet gestures that she has given to me might mean something else, but I just shrugged it off, thinking that those things were done because she’s my best friend. Besides, a best friend does anything for you – anything that makes you happy, which I willingly reciprocated to her.

I just wanted her to be happy because she makes me happy. I wanted all of her attention, I wanted her to care for me, I wanted her to treat me like a princess and that’s because for once in my life, someone has made me feel so important. It made me feel loved. But I didn’t know that the more I wanted to be the in the center of her life, the more I hurt her.

Lisa’s such a lovely girl, I won’t think twice if I you were to ask me if I’d date her because I’d definitely do that. But we can’t. A man should be with a woman and a woman should be with a man and it’s better that way. As much as my heart willed to love her more than as a friend, my mind won’t allow it. The society will never accept that. We don’t need to wake up those feelings that have been set aside because it’s easier that way – us being friends.

I’m so scared of facing the truth and hearing those untold realities because I might be that someone who doesn’t really know myself. Hell, I’ve got no balls to stand up for my feelings for her. I have loved her so much to the point that I have no idea on how to make her feel it by not making her think that I really loved her. I’m such a huge dirtbag and I deserve all the hate she has given to me.

One night in christmas, we were at her rooftop having a lot of booze and stuff, just having a good time without worrying about anything. I must admit, it was one of those best night that I ever had for a while, her beside me, and me beside her. I know Lisa’s trying her best not to fall asleep because she’s a sucker when it comes to drinking but I could care less because the way she bit her lip gave me incomprehensible feelings that were very much uninvited.

She was looking at the moon, and I thought it was just the alcohol but her face looked so…beautiful, thanks to the moonlight for if not because of that, I wouldn’t have seen how her eyes sparkle with those fluttering eyelids; her pale cheeks now tinted with a pink blush; and her moist lips that were now slightly parted. And if I was not in my best state then I could have made her lips sealed with my own, but she suddenly yawned as I leaned forward, and I thought I’ve been such a bad bestfriend to her for almost taking advantage of her drunkenness.

But then again, just like what she always does, she smiled at me and held my hand. And I knew that gaze Lisa’s giving me, a reassuring one telling me that it’s okay and I don’t have to worry. She always makes me feel better.  Our gazes met once again, and we stayed like that for a minute which felt like forever, and everything just happened so fast when I found myself kissing her back, hands on her neck, hers on my waist. 

Oh boy, I could still the taste her favorite strawberry chapstick, which I have always wondered what it could taste like not until now. But then, reality suddenly struck me – I was kissing my bestfriend! Friends weren’t supposed to kiss, let alone be sexually attracted to them, so it scared the hell out of me. That’s why I pulled away, stood up and left her there, probably pissed off and very, very much frustrated.

What the hell was I thinking?!

Those thoughts kept ringing on my mind the next day, the day after, the day after tomorrow, and the next coming days.