Control lili

Hindrance

2017/03/23

Dear Diary,

Do I stare at her? Do I really stare at her? A look is different than a stare, but when I'm looking at her, they see staring. There are videos about us, now. The fans call us 'Jenlisa'. I liked it at first, in the Award shows, but they make us out to be something we're not. We're friends, and that's all.

I had to message something on my mother's chat yesterday just to stop the rumors. I'm not gay, I'm not bisexual, there's no gray area. I'm not and that's the end of it. And what about boundaries? Lisa and I are friends and they're picking apart our relationship, finding scraps of evidence to support this conclusion that's just wrong. And it's hurting us, it's making it weird.

Sometimes I think she's starting to believe it when she looks at me. I'll glance up at her and she'll be staring with this strange look on her face, like she pities me for it. I know she knows I'm not gay, and I know she's not gay, we both know it, but the rumors create this distance. We can't talk about it. And I don't want there to be something I can't talk about with lisa, something we can't share. Chaesoo looks at us differently too. We'll laugh together and she'll grin at us, as if she's sharing some intimate moment.

I'm sorry for the rant, it's just been on my mind. And we kissed on New Year's Eve, God, I wish I never did that. It's not that I didn't enjoy it, I did and that's what's confusing me. NOT in a weird way, in the way that I can see we're giving them things to grasp onto. We're so close, we're soulmates, and I think they want it to be romantic because that's the natural connotation to our relationship. But until they experience it, until they know what it's like to have a friend that completes you, they'll never understand. Maybe they'll let it go. In ten years, lili and I can look back on all the rumors and laugh. We won't let it get to us. There's nothing that can get between our friendship.

I read it again and again the same post I wrote when we both were so much popular back then and this was the all i could feel that moment.

I know I am bitch not to be sensible enough to confront lisa about me knowing she have feelings for me but what she wants me to do then?

Confront her??
Hurt her??
Make her away from me??
Break our career??

No I never like those confrontation about mostly homo shits.My dad always tought me that homosexual relationship is sin and it's disgusting.

He want me to Marry a Man like him.A man who can treat me enough.he supported me enough throughout this life but lisa came broke down every layer of my beliefs.

She took all my sanity away.Those doe eyes makes me want to lock her up with me forever.That pouty luscious lips wanted me to kissed her forever.That perfect body gosh it made me wanted to touch her and own her more.

She took it!!!
She took my sane self with her.Now all i wanted to do is hug lisa in my arms tight and never let her go.

But she spit words which make me dead inside

I am over you.

I am over you.

I am over you.

I am over you.

No that will never happen!!!

Right???

I was with kai even knowing that lisa never stopped loving me then why now??

Why now lisa don't want me??

I am all ready to come out only for her to be my side.I am all ready to announced that I own lisa but why now lisa???

I am all ready to come out to my homophobic dad.

I was ready lisa.

I was ready to fight for you.

But why???

Why don't you want me??

Do you know about the reasons I break you??

No you can't.you'll never know that I broke your past relationship with ten.

Ten that boy was so whipped for you.you also seem forgotten about your nini with him.I cannot lose you like that.so I told ten that you like a person who control her.Man ten was fool who believed me!!!

He did what I told him to.I made sure that I'll make lisa to break up with ten afterwards.sorry ten nobody is taking away my baby lili.

And that Eunwoo damn it was fun to make him understand that lisa was lesbian more likely she was into me.

Now this jungkook shit have strength to court my lili huh???

I can guarantee that one of my manipulation and he'll leave lisa just like others and lisa will come back to me.

I promised now that once she'll came back to me I won't let her look at any other person but me.

I fucking make fool out of myself before.I was convincing myself to be straight but i never was.I don't care what people will tell me afterwards but lisa is mine either way.

I ain't share mine with any other.I will make sure there won't be anyone for you lili.wherever you go there will be only me who'll be your side no matter what should I could do but I'll let you only choose you nini not anyone.

For this I will do anything.

By hook or crook it's me who'll be yours.

And you were always mine.