Control lili

can I end me?

Talk with Jennie was good but after that talk lisa still feel empty inside her.

Her every attempt of making everyone happy was taking every brightness of lisa out there.

Can't I end now???
All the pressure???
Can't I end my endurance of pain??
Can't I end me???

Lisa was going to do it. it had been a shit day, a shit week, a shit month. in perfect fucking honesty, lisa had had a pretty shit life. and she was sick of it. sick of waking up each fucking morning feeling no better than when she’d finally drifted off at three am the previous night. sick of falling behind in kpop business because she couldn’t be assed to keep up. sick of pushing everyone she loved away until there was nothing left but an empty shell of herself, who stared into blank space when people talked to her, who picked constantly at her nails, who couldn’t even cry anymore.

It didnot even feel home anymore.
Just a pure burden.

getting her photoshoot done was the last thing she remembers achieving.

The only fun she remember was her days with chaeyoung in trainee days.

it had been a bit of a thrill for a while – taking rośe on long drives over summer, screaming the lyrics to boy bands they hadn’t listened to since they were in yg out into the emptiness of  seoul highways.

then the thrill had worn off. just like it always does.

and lisa was left, once again, with nothing.

Trainee days went back. she went back to staring at nothing, stopped talking to her parents every day, stopped talking to everyone, really.she was working her ass off just to make debut.No freedom of youth nothing.

back into her shell.

the shell is her worst enemy. Lisa knows that. she wants to scream at it sometimes, pummel it until it shatters in a million tiny pieces around her and she can finally breathe again. it doesn’t leave her alone, only draws her further in with every wrong word she says at interview, every time she watches her friends worry about her.

every time she sees jungkook.

because fuck, they’d had something good. they’d had something really, really good. and maybe lisa blames the shell for breaking it, but it wasn’t that.

it was her.

because she’s such a broken wreck that nothing can be fixed. she breaks everything she touches, whether it be her family, her friends, her mental state.Her lovelife.

so, yeah. she was gonna do it.

but.

maybe it’s lisa's fear of commitment. maybe it’s chaeyoung's inexplicable timing, maybe it’s just good fucking luck.

but as lisa's looking out over the ledge she thinks about how there would be so many easier ways to die (ones that don’t involve the mental strength of jumping off a fucking cliff), and she sighs heavily and gets back into her car.

she’s sobbing heavily, driving back, stuck in a circle of weighted guilt that she wasn’t even able to do the only thing she wants. it really doesn’t matter that she can hardly see through her tears, because if she crashes at least maybe it’ll end.

her phone only sometimes connects to the hands-free, but it does today, and in a stroke of good timing, chaeng's voice cuts through the crackling speakers.

"hey, lis."

Lisa stays silent, trying to hold back her hiccups.

"wanna come over? i’m bored and unnie bought food but now she’s gone and maybe we can watch a movie, i don’t know…"