{Billie Joe Armstrong} - Sex And Drugs And Rock'n'Roll

Chapter 5: Not Fair

   Rain fell from the gray sky up above as me and Billie drove to the funeral home. "It's not fair." I said, slumped against the window. 

  "I know." Billie replied. "It really isn't.".

  "She was so young! And she was probably the only child that I'll ever have." I said. "It was amazing that you were able to have a baby at 51.".

  "You're right, Joanna was probably my last kid. You could have another one if you did it with vitro fertilization or whatever that artificial shit's called." Billie suggested. 

  I almost shuddered at the thought of that. "No. If I had another one I'd want it to be made with your sperm.". 

                                ***

  I held Billie's hand as we walked through the parking lot. There was probably about five inches of water on the ground, it was raining so heavy. 

 Once we got inside, Mike, Tre, Joey, and Jakob were there, all wearing black suits. 

  "Hey, guys." Tre said. "I am so, so sorry.".  He wrapped me and Billie in a huge hug. 

  "I'm so sorry about what happened." Mike said, coming towards us. "I'm really sorry about Joanna.". 

 "It's not your fault, Mike." Billie replied. 

  "Yeah," I sighed. "Joanna seemed healthy.". 

  "You guys were good parents." Tre assured us. "Sometimes even the healthiest people die for strange reasons.".  

  "Yeah." I replied, nodding. "You're right.".

   "You didn't deserve for this to happen to you." Tre told us.

  "Nobody does." Mike said. "Can't imagine how you guys must feel.".

  "Heartbroken." I sighed.

  "Guilty." Billie added.

  "I've got to talk to Jakob.". I headed away from Billie, Mike, and Tre, and towards Jakob. 

  "Jakob!" I said. He was talking to Joey and they both turned around. 

  "Oh, hi.". 

  "Hi guys. Listen, Jakob, Joanna dying wasn't your fault. Don't feel bad. Me and your dad aren't mad at you." I assured Jakob.

   "Okay, good. I'm really, really sorry that she died." Jakob said. "You know how much that phone call hurt? It hurt a lot". 

   "I know." I sighed, nodding my head and trying to hold back tears. "I... I did some research on Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, and honestly, there's nothing you could've done to save her. So, don't worry, Jakob, okay?.". 

   "Okay.". 

  "Thanks for tkaing care of  her, anyway.". 

   I went back over to chat with Billie, Mike, and Tre. Soon it was time for the actual funeral service. 

   For that part, I was going to make a small speech with Billie. 

  I intertwined my fingers with Billie's as we headed up to the front of the room.  

  "How am I supposed to not just break down into tears?" I asked him. 

  "It's okay if you cry." he told me. We stood in front of their small audience together. "Alright," Billie said, adjusting the microphone. "First, I want to thank all of you for coming today. Now, we're here to celebrate the life of my daughter, Joanna. Although her life was short, and I barely got any time with her, I loved her. I miss her so much. And I hope that wherever she is, she's in a better place.".

   It was my turn to speak. 

   "Joanna was my first child." I began. "And, very likely my last. I wanted me and Billie to be able to see her grow up. I wanted to see her live her life. But now, that dream is shattered. Ruined. Gone. I loved Joanna so much. Even though I had a very short time with her, she changed my life for the better. For a short while, I was a mother.". I stopped and wiped my eyes. Billie pat my shoulder. "I miss her, and I think about her every day, and I think about what she could've been. Maybe she would have been a loud, loving, and brave one, like her father. That's what I would've wanted her to be.". I wiped my eyes, but it was pointless. "But now we'll never know what Joanna Armstrong could've been.". 

                               ***

  As soon as we got back home and in the front door, I broke down into tears. Billie held me in his arms. It was about an hour after the funeral ended, and the rain was still coming down hard.

 "Why, Billie? Why did this happen to us?" I cried, rubbing my temples and wincing at the pain I felt deep in my heart. Losing a child is something you never think about until it happens to you. And it's even worse when it happens so fast and so suddenly.

 "Oh, Liz. I don't know, babe." Billie replied, also crying. "I don't fucking know.". He ran his fingers through my hair. 

  "It's not fair. Why does life have to fuck us over!?". I knew I was acting immature, but I was so shattered. I didn't know how else to deal with it other than letting it all out.

  "It really isn't fair. But at least we still have each other.".

I thought about what he said for a moment. We did in fact still have each other, and that was terrific.

 "Billie, never let me go." I  whispered, holding onto him tighter. "Please, never let me go. I can't survive without you.".

 "I won't let you go." Billie said, kissing my forehead. "I won't let you go.".