{Billie Joe Armstrong} - Sex And Drugs And Rock'n'Roll

Chapter 43: Deep Cuts

35 minutes later, my arms were covered in cuts and blood. I was in pain. But it was okay because my favorite music was playing and I knew that being dead would be better than living the rest of my life without Billie.

Outside, I saw a car pull up in front of the house, and I realized that it was Mike's car. Oh, fuck! I thought. My mind went into panic as he got out of his car and went up the sidewalk. I looked down at my bloody knife.

Mike rang the doorbell. I raised the knife up to my neck and cut in. But it was too painful. I had to stop. The doorbell rang again.

I turned down the music.

"Go away!" I shouted. I cut into my neck and gasped in pain.

The door bell rang again. "GO AWAY!!" I shouted again. But I forgot that Mike had a key. He came through the door. When he looked at me an expression of terror came across his face.

"Liz!" he gasped, and ran over to me. "What's going on!? What...".

I turned off my boombox, wiping my eyes. "What the fuck do you want!?" I asked as he knelt down beside me.

Mike shook his head and grabbed my wrist. "What did you do to yourself?" he whispered.

"I don't want to be here any more.".

"Oh, Liz. No, no, no. You...". He sighed. "I have to take you to the hospital.".

"I don't want to go to the hospital!".

"You have to go. You'll lose too much blood, come on.".

"I want to lose all of my blood. I want to die.".

Mike had tears in his eyes. "No," he said. "No you don't. And I don't want you to die.". He looked at the coffee table, grabbed my note, and shoved it in his pocket. Then he picked me up bridal style.

"What the fuck are you doing!?" I asked.

"Taking you to the hospital." he said, walking towards the front door.

"I already said, I don't want to go to the hospital!".

He carried me through the front door and set me down on the step. "Liz, I still care about you." he said, locking the door. "It would be awful to lose you. I can't let you kill yourself.".

He picked me up again and carried me to his car. "But it hurts to exist. It hurts so much. I just want to die.".

"I know. But it will get better." he said, setting me down in front of the passenger door. He opened it. "Get in.".

"I don't want to go to the hospital.".

"C'mon, Liz.".

"No!".

He pointed past me, signalling for me to just do it. I sighed and reluctantly got into the passenger seat. He closed the door and came around the other side.

"Why are you even doing this? I thought that you didn't like me." I said.

"Liz, look." Mike sighed, grabbing my bloody wrists. "I didn't know how bad you were feeling. I wish that you would've told me.".

"I told you that you were making my life worse! Wasn't that enough!?".

"I'm sorry, Liz." Mike said, a tear rolling down his cheek. "I'm really sorry.". He brought my hands up to his mouth and kissed them.

I looked out the window and he started driving. I almost solved all of my problems forever. I thought. And then Dirnt had to go and ruin it. Damn, I was so close.

I reached up and felt the small gash on my neck. It was still bleeding.

"Want me to turn on music?" Mike asked after a while.

"I don't fucking care!" I replied, still not looking at him.

"Okay, okay." he sighed. "Are you still mad about last night?".

"No. Well, I don't even know any fucking more. Maybe. I just... I just want to be dead, Mike. You don't understand. It hurts to be here. I want to be dead.".

"It would make me really sad if you died. Tre would be sad, too. We both want you to stick around.".

I finally looked over at him. "Why?" I asked.

"Because we care about you. You're our friend.".

"Well, yeah. But I miss Billie so much. I want to be with him, wherever he is.".

Mike looked at me for a quick second. "What if he's nowhere, though?".

"Then I want to be nowhere, too.".

"Look, I know how much you loved him, I loved him, too. But he's gone. And we have to accept that.".

"If I died I wouldn't have to accept that.".

Mike sighed. "Well, you're right. But I don't want you to die.".

"Do you really care about me any more, Dirnt? You were such a fucking jerk last night!" I said.

"I'm sorry about last night." Mike said.

"No, you're not.". I sighed and looked out the window. I was so mad at Mike. I was so mad at everything.

"Are we almost there?" I mumbled after a while.

"Yes. Are you in pain?".

"I'm in a hell of a lot more pain mentally than I am physically right now.".

***

The nurse got mad at me for trying to kill myself. She said that I was taking up a bed that someone who was actually important could have had. And when she stitched up my cuts, she was anything but gentle.

That totally killed any emotion I had left.

"Here's dinner." she said, setting a tray of slop down in front of me. She walked out of the room. There was no way I was going to eat what she just gave me, even if it meant I was going to be super hungry.

After the lights were turned out, I turned on the tv. I messed around with it for a bit and found out how to get subtitles, so I watched The Simpsons until two thirty in the morning.

When I woke up, my stitched up arms were really sore. But I didn't even care. I hated being in the hospital. I hated being alive. I hated life without Billie.