Deepest Desires

Chapter 6 - Reflections

Brans pov

i enter the gym and all heads turn to look at me, coach looks over and shakes his head disapprovingly

"lovely for you to join us bran" coach smiles teasing me, i flash a small smile and take my place next to Marco, coach looks at me as if he was awaiting an answer to my lateness i sigh and explain

"I went to the bathroom, to fix my hair" I lied, i know it was a bad excuse but its all i have, coach nods and returns his gaze back to the rest of the boys before starting to speak again

i prayed that nobody would notice my puffy eyes and red cheeks, because truth is i actually went to the toilet and cried for a while, I hated myself for it but i had to let it out, it was better to do it there then having to hold it back now. The whole situation with Dannie and Connor really upset me, i felt bad for not backing up Dannie after all he did for me last night, even if he did tell me it was fine and he understood why I did it after math's. Then that whole thing with Jackson i felt awful for snapping at him but i was so wound up then and on the verge of having another panic attack so i took my anger out on him, shit i should apologize tonight

"right boys, go get ready for practice" coach announced, i zoned out at his whole entire speech so i have no clue what he was talking about but it probably wasn't too important, i stand up with the rest of the team and head towards the changing room but coach's voice stops me

"hey bran can you come here and talk with me for a sec" coach calls, i nod while heading back to him

"you seem off today, you okay?" He questions, his eyes full of worry

"yeah I'm just tired that's all, it wont impact my performance though i promise, he looks at me unconvinced before shaking his head

"you know you can come to me about anything right, no matter what it is i will listen to you"

"Yes i know and i promise im fine, i would tell you if anything's up" i smile at him, he nods and pats me on the back

"Okay kid go get ready for practice with the rest of them"

I do as he says and enter the changing rooms and walk past all the boys getting ready, well some getting ready and others sitting on their phones. When i reach Connor and Marco they are already half dressed, Connor shots me a side glance before scowling at me, He is slapped lightly on the arm by Marco who turns to me and gives me a warm smile

"you look a mess" Connor grumbles, while shuffling through his backpack, suddenly i am reminded of my father, my lungs start to constrict and im back at the dinner table, my father staring at me with those eyes looking through me, judging me calling me useless, calling me out about every small mistake i make. A hand pulls me back into the changing rooms, i feel myself begin to shake and i mentality curse i cant have one not now not in front of the team

"you okay bran you zoned out for a second there" Marco questions worry laced his voice, he must have been the one who pulled me out of... whatever that was

"i just, i think I'm going to be sick" i coke out before rushing out the changing rooms, coach puts his hand out to stop me but i just dodge it and rush into the toilet, luckily the toilet in the gym was a big one so i don't feel boxed in while i ride this out, i slide down the walls and grip at the tiled floor as it begins

"hey kid you okay in there" i hear coaches voice call from the other side of the door, but i cant respond, the world around me was blurry like i was in the background of a show, just unimportant, a background character. suddenly the buzzing from the lights became louder filling my head, it hurt i just wanted it to stop i just wanted it all to stop