Deepest Desires

Chapter 1 - Dream

I couldn't sleep, but that was normal to me. I had spent countless nights exactly like this one clinging to my pillow and whimpering after a particularly bad dream. My heart ached for my pillow to be replaced by someone holding me, telling me it's fine and just a dream. I hold back tears and sobs because letting my father hear me cry will be a death wish, he'd always told me real men don't cry and that the only people who cry are women and fags...

I sat up and ran a hand through my hair taking deep breaths in and out trying to calm down but it didn't work, at that moment I debated going into my parent's room and waking my mom up and telling her I'm sick, but when she's away from my father telling her the truth and let her comfort me, I soon shook that thought from my head as I didn't want to wake my father hell I didn't even want to see him right now, just the thought of his face made me sick to the stomach.

Not wanting to think anymore about my father I get up and walk to my wardrobe and just shot on some random white T-shirt and black jeans and quietly made my way out of my bedroom. I debated running away like I had many times before but that idea was stupid, I wouldn't know where to go, I would probably be found and it would hurt my mother too much so just like before I banish that thought from my head. I will just go on a walk to clear my head, go to bed and then avoid my father as much as I can tomorrow, that's the plan.

I make my way out of the house quietly and set off down the driveway, the nightmare still lingered in my mind. It had been the worst id, had in a while. It was just like any day, I woke up and headed downstairs ready to get some breakfast, but everything was different the house was brighter, happier, and then a sound, a sound I hadn't heard in a while in this house, laughter. I followed the sound to the living room, it seemed like it was Christmas time, the many bright Christmas lights hanging throughout the large house gave it away. I turn the corner into the living room and a wave of happiness washed over me. They were all there my family, everyone, happy. And then there she was my sister her smile shone brightly and her presence gave the room warmth, but something was off there was no sign of me anywhere all the photos weren't of me, I tried calling out to them begging them to respond but they just ignored me, it was like I wasn't there it was like I was... dead

"wow this Christmas is amazing" my dad chuckles holding a coffee in his hands and a blanket draped over his legs

"It is amazing isn't it, quiet, happy" my mother beams resting her head on my father's shoulder, I felt sick everything felt wrong

"it's because my good for nothing brother is finally gone" my sister commented  a smile creeping onto her face, after hearing the words I had to grip onto the doorframe to stop myself from collapsing

"E-Eden" I croak my voice cracking

"man if that train didn't kill him I would have done it myself" my father hisses grabbing hold of the arm of the chair and squeezing it in anger

"now, now John lets not ruin the mood with thoughts of that unwanted piece of shit" my mother laughs, I felt my knees buckle beneath me.... my mother

the world started to spin

"He really made us all look bad, all the time I was embarrassed  to call that boring useless boy my son" my mother smiled the rest of my family nodded in agreement

I love my mother more than anything in this world, she is my one reason to keep living, and hearing her say that... crushed me. it felt like the world was spinning like I was tumbling

"mom" I cried out and at that moment my knees buckled completely and I found myself collapsing to the floor, everything went so fast me falling then the train, its blazing lights coming towards me than the immense pain, the tires crushing me no inch of my body was left untouched by the pain, I felt my bones shatter inside my body i felt my arms being torn from their sockets and my organs being drained of all life they had in them and then black

that's when I woke up, sweating and crying

I still feel sick after my dream and the fresh air isn't helping, nor is it helping with my insomnia, but I am out of options it was either this or just stay awake all night and hope I Don't fall asleep during school tomorrow which wouldn't be a good idea as I have already done it too much, one more time and I could land myself in way more trouble than before. So maybe walking for a bit longer can't be that bad.

as I walked further the light emitting from the streetlamps dwindled and the air got colder, I'm not too scared but it is quite scary, as I headed further I neared a dark alley I wasn't going to go down it but I needed to pass it so I could loop back around to my house, out of either fear or the cold I hugged my hands close to my chest and started playing with them, as I neared the alley I felt sick but I knew I was overreacting it would be fine all I had to do was walk past it go home and sleep, that's what I told myself as I moved closer to the dark alleyway, the already dark atmosphere became darker and all I could focus on was that dark alleyway, then I came upon it everything is fine I am almost past it I am almo-

"fuck"