it's like wanting to exist in two different places at the same time; like wanting two different scenarios that contradict each other, to happen.
i want to live and see you be happy, to be the best version of yourself. to see you be happy with someone else, because it will never be with me. i want to see you grasp the dreams you've been chasing for so long. i want to see you shine like gold and prove everyone they're wrong for pulling you down.
but the selfish part of me doesn't want to live long enough, anymore. the world has drained all the little life in me that i want death more than the need to breathe. the darkness has enveloped me for so long that being out of it is like being out in the shivering cold with nothing but a blanket. i don't want to live long enough just for me to see you happier with someone else.
and just thinking about my selfishness makes me feel terrible about myself. that i really did deserve this heartache i caused for myself. because i'm selfish. that seeing you be loved and love the way you wanted with someone else makes me want to cry out everything.
so now i feel empty, in and out. i'm not the past that used to be the person that gave you what you craved for and i'm not the future you see yourself with. i'm here in the present and that's just about it. you have all the right to leave me when you want to, whatever your reason will be.
existing for the sake of existence is tiring.
death for the sake of easing my selfishness isn't the answer, either.
i want to see you be happy.
but how could i be worthy of seeing your smiles when all these terrible thoughts keep me awake every night?
YOU ARE READING
a hurricane of blues | poetry book 2 ✔
Poetry[ poetry and prose book 2 ] ❝you're so good at comforting others but who's comforting you?❞ a shelf of poems and proses containing the chaos and pain of heartache, loneliness, anger, grief, and sadness. s t a r t e d : f e b r u a r y 2 0 2 1 e n d...
