Yellow - in darkness can be found || Minsung fanfic🌻🍋

22

3rd person POV

⚠️self harm⚠️

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Jisung was staring at himself in the mirror. The side of himself that he absolutely despised. The boring one with no expression on his face. Numbly staring at nothing more than nothingness in front of him. No color, no life, no emotions and no intentions. Just him.

He thought about how the youngest had told them everything. Every little detail about how the two met that day, from how they slowly became friends, and how he sat with him at lunches. How they both didn't really like to be around people, despite having a lot of friends, but they just hid under the stairs because Seungmin just wanted to be alone with him on certain days.

On other days he sat with Hyunjin and his friends. Quite a big friend group. Jisung forgot their names already but Seungmin said that they are nice.

The last part of the story was about this evening, Seungmin was staying over to help Hyunjin with the party set up but they ended up in a stupid argument about Seungmin not liking americanos or something. Hyunjin started overreacting and Seungmin became upset and left. It really wasn't something big but Seungmin really cares a lot about the other and it hurt him. He would just make up for it and apologize the next evening of the party.

And now Jisung was just standing alone in front of the bathroom mirror. His thoughts taking over once again. If they even were his own thoughts. It was like he couldn't think on his own. Everything he thought would never work. He didn't want to go back to the past. It hurt other people too much already.

He wanted to hurt himself again to just feel emotions. But he didn't.

He wanted to just end it all. But he didn't.

He wanted to just leave, disappear from this pointless life. But once again he didn't.

He was stuck in 'his' pathetic little life if you could even call it a life anymore. He was trapped in a poorly lit box with no sound and no way out. Absolutely no intentions so he just stared. Stared at the person in front of him that he should have been able to call himself.

Why wasn't he just free?

The others fell asleep a long time ago, but Jisung didn't want to. He was traumatized by his last actions.

Just let me breathe again.

He took a couple of deep breaths trying to feel the fresh air forming in his longs, coming from the outside of the bathroom window.

Just let me feel something.

Please I'm begging you.

Let me feel something, I don't care what it is. Anger, sadness, happiness, pain, it doesn't matter, everything is better than this numb feeling that doesn't seem to go away.

His eyes stared back into his own, the light didn't even seem to reflect in it. There was no life in it.

His eyes took up the presence of the too-familiar razor in the small open cabin. His parents would normally put it away so he wouldn't be able to hurt himself again. But it seemed like they forgot to put it away this particular evening.

Jisung you were fine today why did you have to be so problematic about it again. Just go back and go to sleep before the others wake up.

His thoughts meant nothing in his mind. It didn't seem to work, what did work were his actions. Actions which were uncontrollable by him. They always just work on their own without thinking.

The truth?

The truth was that he was scared of himself. He was completely scared of his own actions which were once again, uncontrollable.

His hands seemed to work on their own as he picked up the dark blue razor which reflected the light as if it was calling for him.

He wanted to see the blood streaming again, how the bright red substance would emerge with the cold water and turn into a orange-pinkish color.

Just one more time.

———

I actually didn't want to publish this first because it kinda triggers a bad memory which I don't really like to recall again but yeah