She's So Particular (Complete)

But It Feels So Right

"Get in here" I pull Camila by the arm into an empty studio and lock the door. I don't know why I'm reacting this way, why I'm so pissed off, in truth it isn't any of my business who she fucks or doesn't fuck but when I met her just a few weeks ago she was an innocent 19 year old with no experience of anything and now here she is making out with her security guard and buying condoms and I have to admit I feel slightly responsible for that change

The way I pushed her to break away from her father and experience life and she thinks she's doing that but she can't see that what she is doing l, what she's experiencing is fake. It will never fill the void, never stir the part of her that she needs to make magic

"What the fuck are these?" I wave the blue box in her face as her cheeks go crimson "Are you fuckin him? Are you letting him touch you like that Camila?!"

"Its none of your business" her eyes are fixed on her feet and the fact she won't look at me or engage with me is pissing me off even more

"He's your security guard Camila"

"Why does that matter? You sleep with people you met hours or minutes earlier I've known Nesto for years"

"So you love him, or are in love with him?"

"Of course not" her voice is still a whisper, her gaze still trained to the ground

"He's your boyfriend?" She shakes her head "Well do you at least like him like that?" Silence "For fuck sake Camila what the hell are you doing? you are worth so much more than this"

"Why do people always say that to me?!" Her head whips up, her huge dark eyes heavy with emotion "I was happy in Cuba with my family but no, I deserved more than that so we came chasing the American dream. I was happy in the apartment papa found for us to live in but I deserved more than that too and now I'm stuck with the pressure of having to write another hit record just so we can pay off the mortgage. I finally, finally have a guy that wants to kiss me and touch me but now you're standing here telling me I deserve more than that too, why can't I ever just deserve what I want?"

"And Is he what you want?" Her eyes drop to her feet once more "Well? Is he?" I take a step closer to her, close enough that I can smell her perfume, soft and floral and delicious

"I just... I want to know what it feels like"

"What feels like?"

"All of it. Life, loving, living, making love all I feel right now is nothing, I don't want to feel like this anymore"

"Camila, anyone can kiss you or touch you, take you but it's not going to be what you want until it's the right guy doing those things, yeah maybe you will get a few minutes of pleasure, maybe for a few minutes you will feel something but afterwards when it's done you will still be the same, empty Camila only this time she will be tinged with shame"

"Is that how you feel when you sleep with someone then leave them, night after night?!"

"Yeah. Sometimes it is" I answer honestly thinking of how many times I have vanished before the girl woke up or walked out as she begged me to stay "I'm not proud of it"

"But guaranteed you will do it again so you must get something out of it, something worth feeling the bad feelings for"

I could tell her about Brian, tell her that sex and alcohol are the only things that keep me in control of my brain but I don't, I can't, my pain is mine alone and I have committed my life to keeping it buried deep.

"I get the numbness I crave which is the exact thing you are trying to escape from"

She looks up at me with interest, like I just cracked open my heart and spilled the contents of it on the floor before her when in honesty it was just the cold, hard, dirty truth. I fuck girls who look up to me, who want some of the life I have just so I would feel nothing, their bodies are nothing, their words are nothing, their pleas for me to stay or to take them with me... nothing, but Camila, what she's doing, what she's trying to do it's affecting me in a way that I can't comprehend

"Why would you want to feel nothing?"

"Because sometimes feeling nothing is easier than feeling everything, believe me"

"I don't want to feel nothing or everything I just want to feel something" I don't know what provoked me but suddenly I step forward and take her face in my hands

"Something Camila? Anything? Good or bad?" I watch as she gasps but she doesn't pull away Instead her breathing picks up speed and I feel her body begin to tremble beneath my grasp "Do you feel that?" I ask, already sure from her bodies response to me that she does. Whether it's fear or uncertainty or lust I'm not sure but I'm committed to find out

"Stop" her word is just a whisper and I'm beyond sure she doesn't actually mean it and at the same time I'm not sure that I mean it, I just want to prove a point, one way or another I want her to understand

"I'm touching you now, how does it feel?" I move my face closer to hers so I can be sure she feels my breath on her cheek as I continue to hold her face in my hands "does it feel like it feels when he touches you?" Her voice catches in her throat as she tries and fails to answer me, her entire body seeming to shudder in my hands

"Shawn..."

"He kisses you and I'm just touching you. Which feels more intense?"

"Please stop"

"If I kissed you now would you say no and go running back to him or would you let your body and mind catch fire the way you know it's going to?" She drops her gaze back to her feet as I continue to hold her face, my thumbs stroking her cheek, my tongue running over my lips hungrily "This is what you're searching for Camila, that moment when you don't know if it's fear or anger or lust, this is the moment that will change you, provoke you to write, not some beige kiss with some beige guy in a wrong situation"

"This is wrong" she manages to say whilst her eyes never manage to meet mine

"And yet it feels so right" I whisper as I run my nose from her jaw to her cheekbone, placing a kiss just below her eye socket

"No" her voice is like a whisper in the wind as I place a second kiss on the skin right next to her mouth

"Yes" I whisper in reply as I position my mouth over hers and wait for her eyes to drop shut in submission "fuck yes" I cup her jaw in my hands as my face descends in hers and just as our skin is about to meet, just as I'm sure the flames are burning so out of control they can't be tamed the studio door swings open and there standing watching us in amusement is Gabe, Tiago and the gorilla.

*so it's my birthday today and I'm trying to pull my head out of my ass so here's something, it might not be good but it's something x