She's So Particular (Complete)

The End

Walking slowly into the white Miami mansion Camila recently bought I feel so bad I can't imagine even death feeling worse

Her hand is in mine but it feels forced, like she doesn't want me on her and I can't stop my chest from panicking

"Shawn!" Sinu Cabello is standing in the dining room holding a tray of something baked, her jaw loose and her eyes wide "you look..."

"Yeah i know and I actually feel worse than I look, if that's possible"

Camila lets go of my hand and walks to hug her mom but I just want to grab her and pull her back to me because even the slightest distance feels too much when I still don't know if I've lost her or not

"How was your flight? Are you hungry?" Asks Sinu and I just shake my head, my stomach turning at the thought of putting anything into it

"You should eat something Shawn" Camilas voice sounds genuinely concerned and that ignites hope in my chest

"Why don't you guys rest and I'll fix you a snack"

Half heartedly I agree and Camilas hand slips back into mine, pulling me in the direction of what had been our bedroom and I try to hold on to the hope that it still is

Entering the room I'm pleased to find it as I left it. All pastel colours with butterflies and flowers everywhere, warm and welcoming

Decorating it is one of the happiest memories I have in my life. Camila wide eyed, bouncing from foot to foot as we trailed from store to store searching for paint and paper and then accessories. She had never had the chance to decorate a room just as she wanted it before and in the end it was very 'us' and it had felt perfect just as everything about 'us' always felt perfect to me

Kicking off my shoes I yawn and then fight the wave of nausea that moves through me.

I don't know if it's the left overs of a hangover or the start of withdrawal or just plain old travel sickness but mixed with a fatigue so heavy it feels as though it's pulling me into the ground I'm struggling to win the war against it so I kick off my jeans, pull off my white sweater and then collapse onto the bed wearing only my black Calvin Klein boxers

"You should sleep" says Camila as she reaches down and takes off her own beige sandals and I hold out a hand to her, desperate to have her next to me

"Lie with me? Please?"

"On one condition"

"Anything"

"You rest your head on my chest and you talk to me, cry on me, sleep, you do whatever your soul needs you to do and you let me be there for you, the way you were there for me when I didn't know how to live my own life and when my dad tried to take my life from me and when my beautiful, strong, wise man taught me how to live and then how to love"

I can't help the grin that claims my features as she climbs on to the bed and I settle against her, lying in silence but drowning in her warmth and her scent

"I'm scared Mila" I say against her chest as her hands smooth over my hair "I'm scared I'm losing you"

"You aren't. I promise. We're supposed to be together Shawn, it's the only thing in my life that I'm 100% sure of"

Her words, the certainty of them and the strength with which she speaks them cause my body to cling to her as my face crumples and I cry once more

She's staying with

She wants me...

Those thoughts alone are enough to break down every defence I have

"It's okay baby, let it out" she strokes my hair and my cheek as my tears begin to soak into the thin fabric of her black tank top

"I miss my dad Camila"

"Oh Shawn!"

"He still won't talk to me, I text him every day and he never replies, my mom says he'll come round but it's been over a year"

"I'm so sorry, you don't deserve this"

I sniff loudly as I try to regain control of my body "I need to go to rehab don't I?"

"Yeah baby you do"

"I'm the walking cliche my dad always wanted me to be and even this isn't good enough for him"

I succumb to my tears once more as Camila kisses the top of my head and whispers soft words into my ear

My dad...

My hero...

Gone from my life just when I need him the most

"Those girls... nothing ever happened, I swear to you. I was just so lost, I didn't know who I was or what I was doing and they made me feel like I was rockstar Shawn Mendes again, fawning over me, throwing themselves at me but I didn't look at them, didn't touch them I swear to God, I couldn't touch anyone that wasn't you"

"I believe you" she whispers into my hair "but if you ever need to know who Shawn Mendes is again just ask me because I know him better than anyone. He's a beautiful, huge hearted, smart, funny, honest, talented man and he's mine"

I hold her tighter, her words soothing me in the way only her voice can

"Tomorrow you start to take back control of your life and your career Shawn, but tonight... tonight it's just you and me"

I press a kiss into the exposed skin above her chest loving how 'just you and me' sounds to me in my moment of absolute darkness

'I can see you're scared of your emotions...'

Camilas pitch perfect voice begins to fill the air of our room and I can't help the way it provokes more tears to fall

''I can see you're hoping, you're not hopeless
So why can't you show me? Why can't you show me?'

As Camila continues to sing I continue to cry until suddenly a stillness comes over me.

This is going to be okay

Yes, it's going to be hard

Yes I'm going to have to confront myself and the demons that haunt me but every step of the way I'm going to have the only girl I ever loved, the girl I thought I was saving but instead saved me.

'Who are you in the dark? (I,I)
Show me your scary parts (I,I)
Who are you when it's 3 a.m. and you're all alone
And L.A. doesn't feel like home? (I, I, I)
Who are you in the dark?'

*thank you to everyone that read this book x