She's So Particular (Complete)

Queen

The drive from LAX to The Hollywood Hills was long but the walk from the car to our front door is longer.

I keep my shades on and fluff my hair, straighten my spine and prepare for whatever I'm about to find

There are things I can deal with and things I can not, for instance one sign of another girl in my house or having been anywhere near my fuckin home and that's it, over, done, no more excuses no more second chances

I take out my key and hate the way my hands tremble

Fuck him for making me weak again!

It took him  just over a year to help me become the strongest most confident version of myself I had ever been and then just a few weeks for him to completely dismantle me

I don't know what's going on...

I know bits and pieces, things he has said in his sleep, things he screams when he is drunk and I'm in the other end of the phone but I don't know the truth... according to him nobody knows the truth except him... and it's eating away at him, destroying him, corrupting his brain so that I barely recognise him anymore

I finally build up the courage to twist the key in the lock and push the front door open.

I pause, listening for voices, expecting to hear Shawn and females but instead everything is silent... as it should be but I know Shawn is home, his car is in the garage, I spoke to his new manager Andrew and his schedule is clear for a few days, their attempt to give him space to clear his mind

Leaving Particular Taste was a natural decision, he followed his heart and his instincts but without his band and estranged from his father he seemed to struggle. Refusing to define himself or his music and then lurching from songwriter to songwriter.

In the course of a year I only heard one new song he wrote and it was about me

Queen...

If I said it didn't hurt I would be lying and I'm not a liar anymore, my truth is my truth and I told Shawn that. His explanation that the idea grew before he knew me, when he and his father had only seen me and judged me didn't help, didn't make things easier, they just built up something between us that neither of us could see but both of us could feel

"Shawn?" I hate the way my voice bounces off the walls, as though it has no intention of reaching him and is destined for my ears only.

I walk the marble corridor and head into the empty living room and out the double doors to the pool area

The table tops are littered with beer cans and vodka bottles, the water is clear and for a second I consider jumping into it, letting the water take me over and then fill me, taking me away from all of these early traumas but then I regain control of my senses, I look around and realise there no signs of anything other than an uncontrolled Shawn and head back inside, moving from room to room and then taking slow steps up the stairs toward our bedroom, the thought of Shawn and company lying in our bed causing my chest to shrink around and cover my heart

Walking the steps I'm stunned as images become apparent that I was not expecting.

My name, spray painted over our landing, I follow it down the hallway towards our bedroom, the door lies splintered on the landing floor

A red, spray painted broken heart visible amongst the torn shards of wood

"Shawn?" It's the only word I can force forward but silence is its reply

I move towards our gaping bedroom door, my mouth and throat dry as my heart attempts to pound it's way to freedom

"Shawn?" I repeat, my terror now taking complete control of my body causing my hands to shake and my forehead to sweat

I take a step through the decimated entrance and then almost collapse to my knees because sitting huddled in the furthest corner from me, wearing nothing but boxers and eyeliner is my man.. my first and only love

"Shawn?" I whisper as I move closer to him, my hands reaching out but afraid of what I might touch

"Mila..." his voice is shaky and almost foreign to my ears

"Shawn..." I repeat as I finally stand before him, my hands desperate but terrified to touch what I'm not sure is mine anymore

"Camila... baby..." he looks up at me, his eyes red and wet, his wrists covered in raised red wounds "I'm sorry" i don't know why he's apologising but my blood runs cold

"Shawn..."

"I'm so sorry Camila"

I'm too terrified to ask him why so I just let him hold on to me, my heart terrified that this might be the last time I feel his touch

"Tell me what happened" I instruct as though I have strength when my entire body feels drained of any

"Camila... baby... I need you to help me" with those words he collapses against me, his sobs filling the thick empty air as his arms wrap desperately around my waist