She's So Particular (Complete)

I'm The Only One

Throwing myself over onto my back I stare up at the ceiling and try to make sense of things

I didn't go out last night... Unusual

I didn't get wasted, deciding instead to have a couple of beers whilst I watched a movie and then headed to bed... unheard of

And I didn't have one single nightmare! Up until last night I wasn't aware that it was possible for me to sleep and not succumb to the nightmares that had haunted my sleep for years and yet here I am.

Awake...

Not hung over...

Confused. Very, very confused

I stare up at my ceiling for a while longer before turning on my side and lifting my black iPhone from my bedside table, no calls or texts from Camila even though I'm pretty sure she got the phone I bought for her. Thiago had promised to sneak it to her before she left

The thought that she got caught with it makes my heart stutter in my chest and my blood runs cold.

Going to her number I punch in a message 'everything okay?' Nothing suspicious in case her dad stumbles across it and then I stare at the screen willing her to reply and then almost shit my pants when my dad's face appears on the screen

'Old Man Calling...'

I regain my grip on the phone and then raise it to my ear "Alright Old Man?" I ask, always pleased to hear from my dad

"Yeah what about you? We thought you had died or something"

I crinkle my forehead in confusion

"Why dead?"

"No sign of you in the tabloids or on the gossip pages, if this goes on any longer Just Jared will go out of business"

"Yeah well that's not a bad thing" I chuckle

"What's going on? You going soft on me?"

I don't miss the disappointment in his voice. I'm his pride and joy, his hell raising son living out his dreams. Going soft, slowing down or settling down are just not an option

"Not soft just..." I almost lie about Camila and then i realise that would add me to a long list of people that deny her worth or degrade her for their own benefit so I suck in a deep breath "I'm just spending my time with um... one girl right now"

I hear my mother gasp and realise I must be on speaker but my dad remains quiet and that has my anxiety twitching

"It's Camila Mendes!" My mother squeals in excitement "What did I tell you Manny?! I said there was more to it than just a one night stand"

"Uh, mom don't get carried away, it wasn't even a one night stand, it was making out that's all and no, it's not Camila Mendes"

"So you're dating?" My dad's voice drips disappointment and I feel that little boy that was always so desperate to please him begin to stir inside me

"No it's not dating"

"Who is she, is she nice?" My mom couldn't sound more excited and the difference between my parents reaction couldn't be more varied

"Shawn doesn't want a 'nice girl'" my father spits "This is because she's good in bed right? You aren't turning soft like every other fucker does when he meets a pretty face?"

"Manny!"

"I just... I'm happy just taking it as it comes right now dad. Hell by next week I will probably back to my old ways but for right now I'm just gonna chill" I tap a nail on my duvet cover and wait for him to speak, dreading the sting of failure that's coming from letting him down but instead he stays quiet and that's almost worse that hearing the disappointment on his voice, feeling the silent weight of it down he phone line

"Shawn..." My moms voice is suddenly low and serious and my heart does a weird pause at the sound of it, knowing something bad it about to come my way "Honey..."

Here we go...

"Mrs. Craigen came by yesterday"

Nope, I'm not having his conversation..

"Uh-hu" it's all I can force out

"The... the school are having a memorial next month what with it being the 5 year anniversary..."

Don't say it, do not fuckin say it

"Of his passing"

I push the duvet off me suddenly too hot and jump out of bed, looking for something to distract my mind, anything so I don't have to hear the conversation she is trying to have with me

"Uh-hu"

I reach for my guitar but that causes a hundred memories to jolt my brain as though I had just suffered an electric shock

"She was hoping you would be there"

And then silence...

She wants me to go there? To my home town? To my high school? To the very places that haunt every waking and sleeping moment I have

"No" it's one word that I hope will be enough but I hear my mom sigh as though she's preparing to drag this out and all I want to do is hang up the phone and grab a drink

"Shawn, I know it would be hard..."

Hard?! She has no fuckin idea

"But she really wants you there and on a day like that deserves to have it as she wants it don't you think?"

"No. If I turn up it will be a circus. Tell her no"

"Shawn please don't be difficult"

Difficult?! Me?! Doesn't she realise there isn't any part of the event, the aftermath, the memories that aren't hard for me

"I think it's time you came home and made your peace with the situation"

Peace?! I haven't had one God damn moment of peace since the moment it happened

"No. It's my final word. No"

"Don't you think it's time you stopped being so selfish? You aren't the only one who lost him that day Shawn, you aren't the only one grieving"

Maybe not but I'm the only one that was there

The only one that felt the impact

The only one that heard his screams

The only one that smelt his burning flesh

"No" I repeat for the last time and then hang up the phone and head straight to the kitchen for a drink, I can't spend an entire day doing battle with the monsters in my brain sober