The other side of love

Everything ends

Chapter 25

The other side of love is the one they don't talk about. I have never experienced it, I have heard and read stories about it, I won't lie, I have judged women multiple times when I heard these stories. I couldn't understand why anyone would put themselves through that. I guess it's easier to judge from the other side of the fence. 

" Wait, I don't think I heard you"

I was in bed with Thandile, Ntlaka and Siba, we were passing around a bottle of vodka between us. It has been 3 months since I sent Khathu that message and we tried couples therapy. We seemed to be good, however today's session left the physiologist and I equally speechless.

Ntlaka" I am too sober"

Me" I have more alcohol underneath the bed"

Siba" No, just repeat what you just said"

Me" all of it?"

They nodded and I took another gulp then handed Thandile the bottle of vodka;

" Rendani divorced Khathu, she wanted nothing except for joint guardianship over Shudu, I was thrilled, I don't want to lie these last two months were awesome because it meant it will just be Khathu and I. I was wrong, today he announced that he is getting married to some girl hahaha and he needs my blessings. That's their culture mos, I am supposed to go to Venda and welcome her into our home, give her a bath kunye yonke la kaka. Man! I am... no... *sniff* so yeah"

"He is taking another wife"

Ntlaka" I don't understand"

Me" I can't... I don't have it in me to deal with this..."

"I begged Khathu to come home and fix things with me after he cheated on me! I...no!.... surely I deserve more!..."

Siba" When is this wedding?"

I giggled

"This weekend"

I said.

Thandile" This is bullshit!"

I wiped my tears and looked at her;

Me" Yea well, it will happen with or without me there. My children are that side, meaning they will be part of that ceremony"

"I hate him"

Ntlaka" Yhuu yikaka uKhathu"

Me" I am not okay"

Siba" Wait, why are drinking?"

" Thandile said you were pregnant"

Me" I had a miscarriage"

"I don't want to talk about it"

Siba" Does Khathu know?"

Me" He does, he isn't here right now, so that should tell you something"

" I have to pack"

*

At my wedding there were a lot of people giving me advice on how to deal with my household and what is expected from a wife. So many women came out in numbers telling me "never ask your husband questions, be obedient, know your place, never question your husband and your duty as a woman is to open your legs and bear children" my mother and my aunt pulled me to the side, looked me in the eye and said; "marriage is just an extension of your love for that person. You should never lose yourself to keep someone who doesn't want to be kept. Love with the right person is easy, even the tough times are not that tough because you both know you'll overcome them. They are what are called a necessary roughness in your marriage"

I have been married for almost 8 years and most of them were filled with tears more than happiness. The happiness was always short-lived, I know Khathu loved me in his own way. I at least believed that. I mean he fought for us, so he must have loved me at some point. I need to believe he loved me because then all of this would have been for nothing and I have given so much to him, I have lost so much of me to keep him so it must have been for something. I need it to have some meaning because I am not sure anymore. 

"Hulisani"

My mother-in-law said my name and I honestly couldn't fight back the tears. 

"I can't do this Mama"

She watched me cry and she looked at me, I couldn't tell what she was thinking and I honestly don't think I cared for her to like me anymore. 

"You were never going to be enough because you never asked "why", you just accepted what was being put on the table. You never questioned him and because of that you made it okay for him to never consider your feelings because you always put your him before everyone else. He is make you miserable, he loves you more than you think, maybe more than he thinks too, but he doesn't deserve you. I have always known that, maybe he does too, we didn't hate you but we worried about these moments. You were never prepared for these moments. The moments you lose so much weight and stop being who you were before him, the moments where you have to turn a blind eye and be the fool. He knows that, maybe that's why he loves you because you told him way too much about your life before him. I don't know, but what I know is that you need to come with me and welcome that girl. It wasn't easy for Rendani but she did it, and you will do it too, you'll do it again if he takes another wife"

"You will just have to be stronger, that way your body can handle the stress and you won't have any more miscarriages. Wipe those tears; t his is not the time for you to cry"

*

I don't remember much of the ceremony, I don't think I was there. Yea, physically I was present but my mind was stuck on who I was before Khathu. Who I have been during our marriage, my life after he cheated, after his accident, the children and all of those things. 

"Xolisa"

He said my name and I looked up, I don't know what I was being asked. 

"Could you please sign"

He said, and I walked towards the table, I remember when Rendani had to sign this. She had a smile on her face, she was really graceful. That's the difference between us and I think I have tried to be someone else for so long that I forgot about what is best for me. What I can't tolerate;

"I am leaving you"

I said, then arched over to sign the papers. 

"I can so much better than this shit. Yhuu a.a, I cannot do this anymore because let's be honest. Yikaka le. I deserve so much more"

"Please enjoying the rest of your wedding, my children and I are however leaving"

*

Love hurts but it shouldn't, it should never make you lose who you are just to keep someone else. I spent 10 years changing myself to what Khathu wanted, it was easy to give because it always felt like he was the one making more sacrifices for our relationship. He gave but he sure as hell took more than what he deserved. I lost me just to keep him, I didn't even notice that. He drove me crazy and often made me seem dramatic for questioning things. Used sex to make me submissive, used everything I ever told him about my past relationships to his advantage. He knew I was desperate for a happy ending, he knew I wanted the love my parents had. He has always known I will stay with him through all the cheating because I believe in indoda more than I believe in myself. 

I guess he was not my Prince charming but just another frog I had to kiss. Maybe I needed to experience the other side of love in order to fall in love with myself again, I don't know but I look forward to learning what comes next. 

The End