OBSIDIAN ISSUE #2 : WOUNDED

THIRTY SIX

It almost felt like gazing at a blank page of paper before me. On empty cursives right after draining my thoughts from the endless recounts of the past. Yet here I am once again, standing still, my heart lingers in the charnels of grief in where the bones of sorrow remains unresting.

I recalled lying here for three straight days. So long I'd almost grew as a flower, or a vine creeping all over his headstone. Or had only my body decayed, its remaining parts could have fed his wilted rose.

"I still have to visit your Mom..." I said, my voice vibrating through the frame I held in my chest.

Dinungaw ko ang mukha niya sa frame at pinagmasdan, tila ba hinihintay ang kanyang pagsagot. Bitterness kneaded my lips.

"Pasensiya na at natagalan ako. I know I swore to return sooner but I lost the courage to face what happened here. But I know you know that deep inside, I've been avoiding this, so for the mean time, I distracted myself with work. Pupuntahan sana kita kahapon, pero ang anak mo, sinundan ako."

I allowed a few seconds more to have his frame close to me before returning it beside the slabstone. Buntong hininga kong pinagmasdan ang mukha niyang nakatitig sa akin, ang mukhang nagpapahiwatig ng multo ng ngiti. And the smolder in his eyes that makes it harder for me to forget as it also reminds me of someone...

"I think Sal hates me," a heavy sigh escapes. "I rest the blame on me for drawing the distance. Una pa lang ni hindi ko na siya matignan, hindi maharap dahil lahat sa 'yo, kuhang kuha niya." Tears fell as I let out a light chuckle. "There's nothing to compare since putting his recent photo beside your ten year old, I have trouble telling you and him apart."

Yumuko ako sa paligsahan ng mga luha nang maalalang hindi ko pa napapatawad ang sarili sa distansiyang binuo ko sa anak. Sal, younger by ten minutes. Just by thinking what could take place on my visit this afternoon already reduced my hard-earned bravery. I've been desperate to hold my son since also in doing so bears semblance to holding his father tight in my arms.

"But like you, he's close to Mama. Alam na natin kung bakit. Naisip ko nga na ang mga pinaggagawa mo noon, baka namana niya. But so far, Mama said he's well-behaved unlike the fights he caused in the school..."

Unti-unting nahalinhinan ang ngiti ko ng pag-aabang pagkarinig sa humintong yapak sa likod. I turned only for my lips to part, half-stunned, as if the bullet of the past has just shot me through the chest in an easing force.

"Sam...?" Hawig ang gulat at mangha niya ng sa akin.

"Hi, Charlie." My lips shook with nostalgic relief. "How are you?"

Lumihis ang paningin ko sa karga niyang bata na nakatingin sa akin. I switched my gaze back to Charlie, then to his cute daughter I presume.

"Uy, baba ka muna. Mag-Hi ka. Tita Sam..." panunudyo niya at nahihiyang ngumiti sa akin. "Anak ko pala."

Sipping on her thumb, she waved the same hand and shyly looked away. Binaon niya ang mukha sa balikat ni Charlie.

"Hi, what's your name?" nakangiti kong sabi habang lumalapit.

Dumungaw siya mula sa pagtatago sa balikat. "Chan-chan!"

I giggled. Mula niyang tinago ang mukha.

"She's got your pretty eyes, Charlie," I said as I looked back at him.

"Mata lang at... katakawan. Hmp!" Marahang gigil nitong pisil at kiliti sa tiyan na ikinatawa ng anak habang nagtatago pa rin sa balikat niya.

I smiled. Nangingislap ang mga mata ni Charlie, suot ang kalmado at tipid na ngiti habang nakatingin sa anak. He rumpled his daughter's head before cradling it.