OBSIDIAN ISSUE #2 : WOUNDED

THIRTY THREE

Defeated by the might of my own mind, I recalled the last time I lost someone. Barely a teen I was when Mamita, Graciella's mother, drew her last breath. And the way children are led to believe about death were contoured by the extent of our understanding that they were just in a good place, sleeping in peace.

It would be different from now on for me. The meaning of loss might not mean the same now that I am no longer ten anymore.

"Deirdre?"

Tulala sa nag-aabang na tugon mula sa doktor sa harap, tiniis ko muli ang hapdi sa mga pagkurap. A tear fell brought by the pain from my swollen eyes, but no pure tear could eradicate the scent of that fatal afternoon. And the grip of cold on his skin is a lingering memory in my hands that will ever scar the rest of my life.

"There are important details I want to discuss with you, but seeing how you are holding up..."

Para akong hinila mula sa tuluyang pagkakalunod. My mind, still caged in a mist failed to comprehend what the doctor is saying. If he is trying to explain what happened, what more do I need to know when I have seen enough?

"I'm here," boses ni Ate ang nangibabaw nang magbukas ang pinto. I could hear her hastened breaths, hudyat na nagmadali itong puntahan ako galing sa mga inaasikaso sa emergency room mula nang dumating kami.

"Merewald," the doctor acknowledged. "I'm not sure if this is an opportune time to say it's nice to see you again upon realizing the situation you are here for. But anyways, hindi ko na ito patatagalin pa. As you can see..." He flashed a cautious gaze at me. "The patient suffered a cardiac arrest due to speedball overdose."

The whole room held its breath as the suffocation felt like a tight scarf tied around my neck. With two pairs of eyes that felt like a hundred, it's as if I am the only one they could rely on to recount the history of Angelov's undoing. Nidaplis ay wala akong pinahiwatig habang nanatili sa sahig ang paningin ko.

"What is the other drug, doc? Ang alam ko... well I found Morphine beside his body so I thought I injected the right antidote."

"Cocaine and Morphine. Combined. Taken both at the same time."

Isang mariin na pikit at nag-unahan sa pagbagsak ang matatabang luha. Slowly and in utmost defeat, my head fell low in between my sagged shoulders. In silence and in stealth, I cried mercy for my mind to burn the echoes of his lying cold body. Nilalamig aka halo a katahimikan na para bang kinokonsidera pa nila ang nararamaman ko. But the blow that should knock me dead, the deep-seated pain and the tail ends of hope had all seem to join his lifeless body.

"H-he had surgery before. Gunshot wound. But I don't think the doctor at that time could have prescribed him of morphine as a pain reliever. Ibang gamot ang nireseta sa kanya. But the cocaine..."

She rapidly flashed a cynical gaze at me. And the longer she stares, the deeper the guilt runs beyond to consume me. Kung hindi ba ako umuwi, ano kaya ang mangyayari? If I could turn back time and take the other choice in which I stayed, would that decision lead us to the same end?

Humapdi ang dibdib ko sa bilis ng paghinga habang iniisip na paano kung ganoon nga? The what if's... I took the concept in my head so I suffer from its disease.

"The amount of drugs in his system is surprisingly high than a normal body can only tolerate," ani ng Doktor. "I must say it's a miracle that he survived. Pero mas matinding pag-iingat ang kailangan ngayon, lalo't overdose, a possibility of an organ damage might ensue. So I advice you to come back as early as three days for a follow up to ensure that there are no delayed injuries in the patient's organs. Or much better, we'll retain him in the hospital for at least a few days."