OBSIDIAN ISSUE #2 : WOUNDED

PART II

Huminga ako nang malalim at binuksan ang paningin. I couldn't believe that in just a span of two weeks, we are finally here. Naalala ko pa ang mga dahilan ko kay Ate na kina Sydney ako magpapalipas ng gabi para sa araw na ito.

My eyes fell on the single -flower bouquet trembling in my hold. A rose. I still find it hard to believe that with the limited resources we have, sa isang pribadong hardin pa rin ang pinaganapan ng okasyon na hindi ko lubos matukoy sa paanong paraan naitawid ni Lemuel.

The sun is about to descend on a ripe Saturday afternoon. Fresh wind blew and I saw how the green plants and different kinds of flowers dance around us. Naamoy ko rin ang halimuyak ng mga bulaklak. This place isn't the most glamorous but this is more than enough to make it into my dream. With only our friends standing before us and a judge, higit pa nga ito sa inasahan ko.

Nahuli ko ang tingin ni Sydney. She nodded at me to silently signal my cue. Natahimik ang lahat nang magsimula na akong maglakad.

Wearing a white strapless lace ruffle mesh dress, I started my slow march towards the end where my groom is waiting. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako titingin dahil wala rin namang bisita. Daplis lang sa mga kaibigan na huli kong nakangiti at sa pinakahuli, kay Angelov. He looked serious but I can see the look in his eyes gleamed with intense longing and a bit of pain.

I smiled at him. Doon pa lamang siya ngumiti. Tipid at sinamahan ng isang beses na pagtango, pinagmadali akong maglakad.

"I'll be the one, who stays 'til the end..."

Lahat kami napatingin kay Charlie nang magsimula itong kumanta. We were confused, nasiko nga siya ni Angelov, pero hindi siya tumigil at ang judge sa harap ay ngumiti lamang. I don't even think that me walking on the short aisle is still necessary knowing this isn't a Catholic ceremony, but they insisted I should do it.

"Will you still love me when nobody wants me around..." Hindi talaga tumitigil si Charlie hanggang sa magkaharap na kami ni Angelov sa dulo.

Kitang-kita ko ang kislap ng luha sa mga mata niya. I held his face with my hand to somehow calm him. Marahan siyang napapaikit. Without taking his gaze off me, he tilted his head to kiss my palm.

"Angelov and Deirdre, in the presence of our witnesses, I asked you to join your right hands and to express freely your intentions and promises to love each other of your life."

Hinawakan ni Angelov ang kamay kong nasa pisngi niya.

"Deirdre, do you take Angelus as your lawful husband?"

In silence, I drew in a slow deep breath as I was taking in everything.

I've always had it in my mind that my words doesn't hold any value because no one influential enough has re quoted it. The reason why I prefer to just keep it than to say it outloud, or publish it just to end up knowing that it is invalid. Hell! It might be one of the reasons why I decided to quit writing. My desperation to be heard, to be understood, I tend to overdescribe just for my words to sound beautiful, so it would create an impact. But then to no avail, wala pa rin namang nagagandahan. Wala pa ring nakakaintindi. Hindi pa rin nahahangaan. Natatabunan pa rin ng kung ano man na mas kilala.

It's easy to say to stop comparing yourself, pero wala namang nagsasabi sa akin kung paano?

Then I used to ask how should I believe in myself now? How should I extinguish the doubts?

I take too long to form words, just because I wanted to construct them perfectly. But now I realize that words doesn't have to sound perfect. It is more important for it to be felt. For it to be sincere and true.