10 Minutes

In Spite of Myself

May 23, 2019

Sanem looked out through the rear window as she drove away and smiled at the faces of her parents waving goodbye. She promised herself that she wouldn't cry, and she had been good up until then. Now a steady stream of tears trailed down her cheeks as the car pulled her away from everything she had ever known and loved. She put her hand out and waved hard and fast making sure they saw her and then quickly put it back in. Her phone rang making her look away from the ever smaller image of her parents. Her sister no doubt wanting to get in a last goodbye but the honking of the horn distracted her for the moment. "A dog in the road miss, I didn't want to run it over". The driver spoke with the soft and gentle voice of age. "That's alright we don't want to hurt it. No need to rush, we have plenty of time yet". The phone chimed this time, notifying her that she had a voicemail. She went to reach for it in her bag, but at the last moment decided she would look at it later when she had nothing to do. Right now she was absorbing all the sights and sounds of the neighborhood she new by heart and in her sleep. The rows of colorful homes. The tea sellers, the children playing in the park and the sound of the Bosphorus in the background. She didn't know when she would be coming back. She leaned against the car door and took a heavy breath. One after another a torrent of images made their way into her mind. She had learned to stave them off by keeping busy. She pulled out her notepad and pencil and began to sketch. She had spent endless hours pouring her heart and soul into the meticulous world of her craft. Quickly and simply she sketched out the image of her parents standing in front of their family home waving goodbye. A single tear found its way onto the the notepad and made the page of white and black slightly wet and blurry. She closed her eyes and held onto the pencil with a firm grip before relaxing her hand and letting her pent up breath out. She opened her eyes slowly as they traveled along the main highway. In 10 minutes she'd be at the airport and in 24 hours she would be in another part of the world. Not so long ago she would never have thought herself strong enough to move forward with her life after her dreams fell to pieces. If she were honest she was not sure she was strong enough now, but life wouldn't stop for her or anyone else. She looked down at her hand and stared at it for a bit before clasping it with the other and burying the feelings she had deep down inside. She had chosen to join the living once again and she was determined to live her future without regrets or compromises. She closed her eyes and willed herself to calm down and let the movement of the car and the music playing on the radio lull her almost to sleep. Eyes the color of chocolate stared back at her, a smile that could cause her to melt shown brightly for her. She could almost feel him with her. She opened her eyes and looked down at her hands once more... "Keske".

"What????"... his head was pounding and he needed air. "What are you saying Metin. What do you mean she left? Where? Where is she? I have to talk to her. I need to talk with her now". Metin watched his best friend pace back and forth as he clutched the back of his neck. "Can..... you...." Metin had barely uttered two words when Can rounded on him "what ..... what are you going to say..... that I left? That I left her and so this is my fault?" Metin watched as the anguish on Cans face grew. "Can.... calm down. Lets take a moment maybe this ...." Can looked up with anger and pain in his eyes "don't say it, don't you dare say it... not you too". He stalked across the room and picked up the whiskey decanter from the bar and poured  himself a double. He took a swig and then another before he set it down and turned back to Metin who seemed to mark time as he stood there as solid as a rock. Can looked at his friend closely and then frowned looking back to the glass of whiskey on the bar. He reached for it and brought it to his lips but didn't take a drink. Instead he turned his head slowly and looked at his best friend who he had known since childhood and coldly asked a question he already felt he knew the answer to "you knew she was leaving. You knew". He stared at Metin without blinking until Metin slowly nodded but refused to look away. "You knew she was going to leave me and you never said a word. Not one fucking word". The rage that had been building up, that had exploded over him like a volcano less than a month ago surged back up now and it was fully directed at his friend. "What kind of a friend are you huh? You knew that I would have moved heaven and earth to get her back. WHY???????" Every sinew in his body felt the burn of his anger. He had been betrayed by his best friend and abandoned by the woman that he loved above any other. "You don't deserve her Can". With those words Metin knew that he had surely lost his friend for good. They looked at one another and no words could quell the anger shining in Cans eyes. "You believed him Can. You believed every word out of his mouth before ever hearing her out. You made up your mind and you were done. You decided then and there that she was guilty and you aimed to punish her and you did it with such ferocity that you broke her. Even then she came to you, begged you to listen to her and to try and understand but you told her that you wished you'd never met her. You left her. She waited and waited but you never came". Metin's words rolled over him like a freight train. They were all true and they nearly leveled him. Judged him. Found him guilty of arrogance and un-forgiveness. "Shut up! Shut up! You have no idea what I was going through. You have no idea...." Metin had decided he wouldn't stop now. Can needed to hear it, then and only then would he stop. "No Can, I won't. You pushed her away and then you left her. Do you know what it was like for her. The newspapers, the magazines, the gossip. It was endless and vicious. She had to leave Istanbul in order to get away from everything. She left her friends and family in order to find some sort of peace and when she was finally securing some for herself, ready to resume her life without you, you came back". Can turned on Metin, rushing at him and snarling in his face. "And what did you do? You kept her away from me. Your managed her and me in order to get between us. You forced us apart. How could you do that? How? You're my best friend, how......." Metin didn't budge, didnt move. He stood his ground for all he was worth against the extra 40 pounds his friend had on him. This was too important. "For what Can?. What did you want from her huh? What more did you want?" Can pulled back his arm with a fist ready to throw the first punch, "I came back for her you fucking asshole. For her. I came back because she's in my blood, in my soul, in my flesh. I can't breath without her". Metin slowly smiled at Can then and it was the most ironic smile he felt he ever had "that's right, in spite of yourself. The great Can Divit. Inspite of yourself you were willing to lower yourself and forgive her. But what is that Can?" Can looked at Metin and felt a sickening feeling fill his soul. What was he saying? Why had he said that? Those words were the words he said to his father as they argued. He blinked and suddenly his mind flew across the weeks that he had been back and he nearly chocked on the bile that was forming in his throat. Oh my god. She had heard him. She had heard the conversation that he had with his father. He had thought he heard someone at the door. It had been her. He had been arguing with Aziz telling him that he had realized his mistake once he had finally calmed down. That she could never have done that to him and if she had, he would even forgive her because in spite of himself he still loved her. She heard him, that could be the only reason that Metin had chosen to use those same words now. He looked directly at Metin then and he knew he was right. "Now you understand? Do you understand why she left. You basically confirmed to her that you loved her, not because you wanted to, not because she was worthy of your love, but because you couldn't help it and that you were even willing to forgive her had she been guilty of the vile things she was accused of. But you never said that you believed her before the evidence was brought forward. Can...... she saved your company. She put herself in jeopardy. She showed you time and again who she was and you chose to walk away". Can knew that every single word that Metin said was true. Every single painful word that seemed to cut across his heart was undeniable. Except for one. "I love her Metin. I never stopped loving her. I refused to see the truth because I had lived with lies for so long that for her to lie to me was unbearable. I was blinded by my own wretched code of conduct. But it didn't take me too long to decide I was wrong and that I needed to get back to her and tell her that. The night I went to confront my father he goaded me into a fight and ...... and when I said what I had been thinking before I left. In those 10 minutes that I had before I walked away from her, and ruined my future. You have to believe me. As soon as I boarded that plane I knew it was a mistake. I knew she wasn't to blame. I knew she couldn't be to blame, but I as so angry and so drunk that I allowed myself to wallow in self pity before coming back home because I was terrified of her rejection. I left her Metin, but by then she was gone and nobody, including you would tell me where she was" Can stood still, staring at his best friend but he felt his body slowly giving way to an onslaught of emotion that was uncontrollable. He fell to his knees and buried his head in his lap. "Sanem........ my beautiful Sanem.... Hayatim".