MEETING WITH MAHASHAKTI

After the Storm

After the Storm

After my return from Balasore,when I was no longer being tortured by those appearances,I questioned me again and again why Mother Kali came when I had chanted Lord Shiva's mantra to get closer to Him.When I disclosed my question to mother,she said Kali and Shiva were one and indivisible.I was satisfied.Then I wondered like a fool why Lord Shiva used china roses.Mother merely told me that Lord Shiva loved red hibiscuses.My terrible ignorance struck me with shame. I even didn't know a simple truth about the greatest deity Shiva even though born to Brahmin parents..But my ignorance in both the cases drove deep into my being the iron resolution to locate God again and unshakable faith in the existence of Shiva and Mother Kali.I also realised Mother is much more needed than Father.I told myself:"Mother first..." Why did Kali come first and then Lord Shiva?Mother Kali had done all the talking with me. But Lord Shiva and the other Hindu deities who had made their appearances to me had never spoken a single word to me.Ramakrishna and Kali both spoke but Lord Shiva never. This is my greatest disappointment in life even though He later gave me beautiful experiences and timely help.His blessings brought me a rare opportunity later to visit Pashupatinath in Kathmandu,one of the most famous shrines of Lord Shiva.

Even today that unspeaking image of the Lord in motion fills me with intense ecstasy.In fact the ecstasy I felt the moment I saw the Lord can never be uttered in any kind of human speech.I wonder at the fake sanyasis of today.How do they don't hesitate to indulge in sexual pleasure which is like munching the gathered chaff(sex) rather than the separated sweet grains(God).Of course a man who has never seen the sea can never believe in the existence of anything bigger than his own pond behind his house.I too used to be a worldly fanatic blinded by the prevailing scientific temper.I have not read the Geeta,the Mahabharata and the Ramayana nor any of the puranas.I have not remembered any slokas and mantras. On the day of my marriage I was taught how to wear a dhoti.I have prayed to Mother Kali,Shiva,Shri Sai and my supreme spiritual master Guruji Dr.Chandra Bhanu Satpathy.

I do believe outward activities and appearances are of little benefit except external.As long as you evince interest in outward activities and external appearances,be sure you are engaged in a wild goose chase and getting cheap deceptive pleasure.But if you do this after self-realisation there is risk of being fooled and falling into the poison-filled pool called religion which usually makes us rigid,superstitious and narrow-minded.Now the great religious scholars might lose their temper with me.These rogues whether Hindus,Muslims,Christians or Buddhists in the guises of learned men and women always excite my pity for them.If a man has got the supreme knowledge you can definitely be convinced of the truth of this after you listen to what he speaks for five or ten minutes.

After normalcy,I was astonished to realise that I had lost the fear of death.Nor did I feel sad when someone died, I had to do a little acting though.Even now in my heart of hearts I never believe that death is real. It is just an illusion.The body is unreal;death is unreal but life is real,mostly a spiritual one.Having wasted ten years on writing in a futile attempt to become capable of earning money as a full-time writer,I took to private coaching and taught English.I was determined not to marry. So I would turn down all the marriage proposals that came.My mother would weep most of the time.I had declared my vow not to marry but honestly speaking,I did have the weakness for the company of a wife.Had I become a sanyasi then,I would have become one like the notorious Asharam Bapu or Ram Rahim who are in jail.These poor creatures I think had made the blunder of becoming sadhus with a worldly desire or two were still alive in them because they had not procured total freedom from Nature or Prakruti.A sadhu who has obtained the mercy of Prakruti can alone be allowed to be freed from Her clutches.For self-control Mother Kali can bless Her child much more fruitfully than any other deity.

Spiritually speaking,no pronounced and distinctive psychic experiences occurred as devastating as the earlier ones. Later I read every seeker of God was bound to have this kind of suffering and thought to be mad by people. I look at the photos of Mother Kali,Sai Baba and Guruji and cry continuously but these are tears of joy,I should say extreme joy.Another thing that makes me cry is the knowledge of a poor man's suffering because I also come from a very poor family.

Four years passed uneventfully or unspectacularly.But before the coming of Durga Puja,Kali Puja and Shiva Ratri I would be reminded of them automatically. I who stayed totally absorbed in my own world would ask my mother unpredictably:"Mother,when is Durga Puja?" She would give a positive answer and my delight would be unequalled.Another significant development was whenever any metaphysical question came to my mind,I got the truest and most logical answer to it.Metaphysical questions do have their most perfect and most logical answers;in fact those are not theoretical answers but breathtaking discoveries of gems of wisdom lying buried very very deep within you. They arm you with unlimited strength and fearlessness.

People can scarcely believe God does ask questions and give answers to human beings. Even now when I narrate my experiences to someone,they can't believe it,and dismiss it with a chuckle.

After this strange critical phase,I devoted my time to writing and private teaching.I was scared beyond any measure to utter Shiva and Kali.I was indignant and cross with them.I strongly condemned them mentally.I was resolved to promote my writing career. I had nothing to do with God and spirituality. I would convey my feelings to them thus:"That you really exist is hundred percent true but I never want you anymore. Nor shall I approach any of you in future." I would use very offensive and cruel word for them. I encouraged my students to have no faith in God. I would tell them God does exist but He is a super class villain.He glories in your suffering and hard fate.

During a duration of four years I had contacted a large number of Indian,British and American publishers to get my works published. At the end of the period I had a huge sack filled with rejection letters. In spite of that,I didn't stop writing.If at all I thought of God,I would get frightened seeing a huge demon dressed in red wearing a golden crown with a whip in hand. I wondered who he was till I saw him once astride a decorated buffalo making it clear that he was Yama,the Hindu god of death.He had started appearing to me right from the day one. But the Lord of death could never approach me.
Why?Because I subsequently became armed with the power of Advaita.