I've never been in a fistfight. I've never known that I was about to get punched in the face repeatedly. It wasn't until my fingers held the needle over Billy's third solo album that I learned what that feeling must be like. It was an oddly exhilarating feeling. I knew what was coming. It was going to be terrible, but in some masochistic way, excitement surged through me.
There were the expected shades of lost love, sadness, and anger, but more slipped in this time. I could feel the rest of his life playing out as I had slipped away from him. It was a more palatable listening experience; dare I say, enjoyable. There was an undercurrent of frustration and thinly veiled annoyances of domesticated life warring with celebrity, an urge to protect and hide. It also felt musically more cohesive. I could tell it was Tim on drums, but he had been studying Billy's style. On a few tracks, it was apparent that Billy opted to record the drums himself. There was an odd mix of fighting with the kit and confidence in his movements that came through. I had a new favorite: every song on the album.
Stopping tempted me, but I knew what was next. It was the album. When I had asked Billy to play an angry song, he pulled this black and white album cover from the stack. When he witnessed my reaction, this was the album he shattered. This wasn't like being in a fistfight; this was preparing to watch the person you love most in the world be in a fight and know that you can do nothing to protect him.
The album spun and calmly began. The first few tracks didn't even sound like the style I had grown accustomed to in his previous albums. There were themes of following the path and accepting what you can't change. There were even a few references to the stability of friendship that I selfishly took as my own. A few love songs were mixed in; calm, soothing love that seemed to give him the happiness of a sunny Sunday afternoon.
And then it hit the reverb beginning that had haunted me for years. I didn't need to listen to it. I knew it by heart. It had been playing in my head for ten years. Then the screaming of the chorus hit. It was as though he was there, yelling at me. But Billy so rarely yelled at me, and when he did, he'd reel himself back in and apologize for his tone. He was always very deliberate with his words, style, and apologies. It was how I knew that every point in this searing, erratic song was a conscious choice. Nothing was unintended, and nothing would ever be regretted.
It was the only blistering track. The rest returned to placid happiness. Something about the songs made me feel lonely. The haunting melodies hit just off from sweet and drove an intended melancholy. I replayed the last few songs. Was it my mood that made them miserable? No, this again was designed.
I don't know how my phone got in my hand, but I had hit send before realizing it. "Has Billy ever been happy?"
I read the words over again. It could easily be read as a joke, but I was serious.
"What album are you at?" Tim quickly shot, despite the hour.
"Compelled to Yell," I typed back, suspecting he had been waiting to hear from me.
"Ah, yes, THE album. Weird one, right?"
"It's different. I mean, I've heard the namesake song before, as you know, but that song is the only one that sounds like his other work. Everything else is so..." I paused, my fingers lingering over the digital keyboard, looking for the right word. I had nothing, so I just hit send.
"Damn, I was hoping you would tell me what the hell that was. I've been trying to figure it out for years."
I had to let out a laugh and tossed my phone down as the songs swirled in my head. The undercurrent of despair distracted me from the lone track that directed anger at me.
"I'm worried about him." I shot to Tim.
"Lil, you're a few years late to be worried about anything on that album. Go to sleep; you're thinking too hard."
YOU ARE READING
Better Than Nothing: Part 3 of On the Edge Series
Romanzi rosa / ChickLitAfter ten years apart tragedy pulls Lily Turncott back into the orbit of rock star Billy Collins as she seeks the comfort of her old friends Mary, Tim, and Tess. Emotions run high as Lil and Billy have to confront the wounds of their past and decide...