The one forgiven sin 《Sambucky》

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Oh Darling, everybody sees the way you look at him

Bucky and Steve. Steve and Bucky. Inseparable, or that was what the brunette since childhood thought. He was just always by Steve's side, always looking out for the way too sick boy. He did not quite remember how they've met, but it wasn't that important to him anyways. More valuable to him was the fact that Steve was dependable on him. He would have no one else but Bucky, and the brunette would be lying if he said he did not enjoy that.

You see, Bucky had always loved Steve Rogers, and he stood by that. He knew that for a long, long time by now, when dames in dance halls no longer made his heart ache painfully in his chest with anticipation, something Steve was capable of with his crooked little smiles and shy antics.

Yes, Bucky was a queer. A f*g, if you must. He just prefered men, but was also quite okay with women. But, yeah, he also was attracted to men. Someone deemed to burn in hell for those shameful thoughts aimed at his best friend. Someone whose existence should be erased from the world he called home. He was no idiot, he knew those thoughts were wrong, so he lived in heavy denial, his thoughts suppressed into silence as he thought of all the women begging for his attention. He gave into their seductive ways, no longer able to hold back and slept with woman after woman. His best friend pegged him a lady's man, when only the thought made Bucky's skin crawl. It was maddening, how often he begged for a sign Steve loved him the same way. But the blonde just never showed interest into those things. So, he gave up. He gave up on trying to make the blond fall for him, and went out with woman after woman.

But his emotions and feelings grew alongside his age, and he felt himself desperately reach for Steve's attention, affection, anything his with nerves shaking hands could reach and receive.

He feared someone would finally notice those heart shaped eyes he threw across the room towards the oblivious blond and suddenly, his mind playing tricks on him, every stare seemed judgemental, full of hate and aimed at him, not able to escape society's eyes the way he wanted to. He needed to leave Steve Rogers behind.

He needed distance. He needed space.

Him being drafted was not what he meant, but he would gladly accept the offer to get away from the unrequited love he was stuck in.

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In Azzano, his world turned cold, all kind of stability slipped his mind the moment those doctors got their cruel hands on him. His head hurt like crazy, his fingers were numb and all his limbs hurt from being forced into position for too long. He still could feel the needles breaking through his skin as if it was paper, as they injected him some very painful things. The other lab rats all had already passed away, leaving Bucky on his own with his thoughts spiralling out of control, their painfilled screams rubbing him off of his sleep. His mind was in a dark, stormy place, and, though he couldn't see it, his eyes had dimmed down on color. He was sure he wouldn't make it out alive.

So when an all too familiar kind of shining blue eyes suddenly stood above him, he thought death finally granted him entrance to an sweet escape, letting him reunite with his army friends he had already lost. Instead, Steve Rogers saved him. The blonde had followed him into the war. He really couldn't be without Bucky.

Those facts set themselves free in his brain like some kind of virus, crawling deeper into his kind heart and corrupting his rational thoughts with heavy emotions. His sick, little Stevie grew into a man. A man that drew attention Bucky was fairly familiar with. Female attention. All his hopes of his feeling being required shattered as he saw the way his best friend shared looks with no one else but Peggy Carter.

He remembered talking to Steve about finding the right one, and telling him he'd fit in with a strong, tall brunette ending with an 'y'. He never thought the one time Steve Rogers listened to his advice would hurt him this much.

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The wind was throwing his somewhat skinny body around, the trains railing shaking in his vice like grip as he struggled to reach out to the one he loved: Captain America. God, he was so cold, his teeth were shattering and his limbs frozen in place as he thought of what was the unavoidable outcome of this situation, his death. He knew the moment he heard the unsatisfied ache of the metal under his weight and he knew when he saw Steve's blue eyes widen in pain. And then, he fell.

Falling, falling, falling....

He felt like he fell for hours, the white snow and cold weather making everything look so magical. He knew this was the end of the howling commandos sniper, James Buchanan Barnes would cease to exist. The concept of death wasn't frightening him. It was the fact he never got to say goodbye.

His thoughts were stopped as crucifying pain exploded in his left shoulder as it connected with a sharp rock. He smelled and saw the crimson red liquid seconds before his mind caught up with it. His arm was ripped off, leaving a stump in its place. His jaw ripped open, and he let out a hoarse scream when his back hit the ground, the white clouds above him somewhat calming him.

He shakily reached for his left arm with his right hand, only to confirm his suspicions. His arm was gone. Blood was trickling down onto the white surface beneath his body and he felt tears run down his hollowed cheeks.
He was dying, all alone.

No one of his loved ones would be able to really bury him, because before they knew it, he would be eaten by a feral animal living in the woods.

The blood loss slowly set in and he felt himself go numb, his senses were slowing down and he was seconds from passing out, when boots scrunching up snow under their weight managed to reach his ears. He was so out of it he didn't even register the HYDRA logo on the man's uniform as he smiled up to him, thinking he would be rescued and brought to safety.