The one forgiven sin 《Sambucky》

00.04

I should have hugged you thighter and longer last time I saw you.

God, it hurt. It hurt so much  he forgot how to breathe. For multiple agonizing minutes all he knew was the pronounciactuon of his teammates name. That was it. Just that. And he screamed just that for hours on end, even hours after they pronounced him dead.

Riley was gone.

And Sam had no idea how to deal with a second death again. He felt numb again. And this time, not even flying could make it better.

It had been true, ever since his parents died, he coped with flying. It made him forget, dissociate with reality, and damn, it made him powerful.

But watching his parter , his lover, drop violently out of the sky he learned to love, nothing ever hurt him more. And soon, he just felt numb again. His brain... just shut down. He was in such distress, his body refused to form tears.

After the funeral he left the air force all over again, needing distance from things he ages ago took pleasure in feeling. 

Besides, he couldn't look into their teammates pitiful eyes after they were so fucking envious of him and Riley for getting involved in the project beforehand.

Riley ripped open a new kind of wound, one some couldn't heal or sprinkle ointment on it. It was just... there. A painful tremor in his heartbeat, his brain making him rewatch it every goddamn night. And god, it hurt.

It hurt. Everything hurt. Sam thought he would never love again.

So he settled in DC a year later, helping out multiple tortured vets. All of them had heavy problems, all of them buried at least one partner, one friend, something. But he never met one burying a lover. So even under a huge crowd of people he thought would understand him, he was still the odd one in.

But at this point, he would do anything to keep his mind away from those memories. To keep the pain away. Even if it meant joining Captain America in a battle he was sure they would lose in.

He didn't expect Steven Grant Rogers to be someone so stubborn. And someone making suspiciously fast decisions.

And he didn't expect him to be someone you had to look after.

That guy was so fucking reckless, Sam was sure he was going all grey hairs since knowing Steve. The guy went against everyone, and fought so many people, soon he would lose his mind. He thought it made sense for Steve to be such a manchild, the guy was biologically in his late twenties. But god, he was a pain in Sam's ass, always running around seeking trouble. But Sam isn't someone to leave a friend behind. And Steve was his friend.

and after some time, he asked Steve if there was someone who managed his reckless ass back in his time. 

"Bucky." the blonde had answered, a far off look on his face that was sure to haunt Sam's dreams later on. he spent the day regretting having asked that question, but soon enough Steve told him all there was to know about Bucky Barnes, the guy Sam had written an essay about in his tenth grade history class. And Sam listened. Especially to the stories people couldn't just look up again. James' story was well known, he was rumored to be the guy in the Howling Commandos that killed off most of the Nazis. His aim was teriffyingly perfect, he never missed, so the records.

But that was not the James Sam was introduced by stories that day.

It was the five year old that was scared off by his father in a Santa costume, because he wouldn't believe Santa was real.

It was the bratty teenager that told his mathteacher to solve the riddle of why his shirts never matched his ugly jeans.

It was the young man that was such a charmer, women threw themselves across the whole club just to get him to look at them.

And it was the young soldier that, even though he was petriffied of war, still went because his country wanted him to.

Sam couldn't help but smile at that, even though he couldn't feel it. He haven't felt in so long, he was afraid of never being able to, after Riley. He listened to those stories, thinking how alone Steve must be now that his best friend died almost eighty years ago. But then he thought of it and realized that was only for him like that. For Steve, Bucky had died less than three years ago.

He needed to help Steve Rogers, even if just to honour James. And he needed to distract himself from his emotions, and memories anyway.

Besides, ever since he was a child he had the immense desire to feel needed. His momma called it a hero complex, he thought of it as a nuisance. But facing the blonde, America's hero Idol? Yeah, he was thankful for that.

He thought they would fight together against a corrupt Shield system, but when one of the most deadliest assassins in world history ripped out his steering wheel, he screamed bloody murder.

Being a soldier himself he knew how to be quiet, how to take down the enemy without making a sound. But god, the winter soldier scared him. The way he walked so calm and collected into the middle of a battlefield. Sam knew this wasn't the first fight he walked into with supposedly stronger enemies. Everything screamed for the Winter Soldier to lose, having to fight two Avengers, but the guy didn't care. He walked with perfectly coordinated steps, aimed perfectly and fought even better. But Steve and him seemed to talk the same language: violence. Their movements were in Sam's eyes a total blur, but soon enough Steve had ripped off the Winter soldiers mask.

Revealing non other than the guy he had been telling stories about.

The guy looked so terribly confused as Sam kicked him in the back for ripping out his poor car wheel, but he got back in his feet, looked around with those big blue eyes of his, aimed for Steve, missed and vanished, just like the thing he was declared as, a ghost.

Weeks later he was the biggest hindrance in destroying HYDRA since he was perfectly matched with Steve. And the guy kicked Sam this time. You wanna know what the difference was? Sam kicked him onto the ground, this guy kicked him off a helicarier, multiple hundred feet off the ground, after breaking both his wings! The audacity!

But after HYDRA fell, thanks to Captain America, and they found him on a shore, bloodied and half dead with the Winter Soldier nowhere near, they dragged his reckless ass back to a hospital.

And Sam had nothing to distract himself again. Two whole weeks he was plagued by nightmares of Riley, the winter soldier, and flying. Yes, flying, not falling. He never feared falling since that was no possibility for him. He'd always catch himself. And he never feared for himself. All he cared about were the people he missed catching.

But then, just like that, he was distracted again, busy with taking care of none other than Captain America.

Who decided to run after the deadly assassin, his ex best friend.

He immediately told Steve he was a fucking idiot, but it didn't matter. He would follow him anyway.

He is a  weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature.