The one forgiven sin 《Sambucky》

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You didn't learn anything till you learn monsters have nightmares, too.

They were with Sharon now. He wasn't the least bit surprised she ended up in a circle like Madripoor. Bucky actually believed such circumstances genuinely suited her in ways America would never live up to.

She just had a dark, dominating aura around her, Bucky had seen those around enough official workers with high ranking to recognize it in his sleep.

They made their way back to Nagel, the scientist who managed to recreate the super soldier serum, and Bucky had killed again. He had done it.

He shot, mauled and made his hands bloody again. All over again.

In all those months after the blip, he not once held a weapon again, except for that one time he had wanted to kill himself.

And his back pocket, the one containing his notebook, seemed all of a sudden to weight thousands. His shoulders slimmed forward, as if his burdens were doing their best in trying to bring him down.

Exhaustion made his bones creak in ways that should be avoided thanks to the serum.

But the cherry on top was the somewhat unexpected while also expected visit from Ayo.

He loved Ayo. In a romantucal way, that is.

He shared only kisses and sensual, meaningful touches as well as heavy glances around the room with her since his memories of the very bad nights inside of those HYDRA facility's still never left his mind. She understood. As always, she understood.

He was her favourite, but the two still couldn't be with each other. Her heart would forever be with the throne, while his was eaten by the demons in his head.

They both split up, both wanting it. Yet, they still deeply cared for each other.

He could see it in her eyes, how they softened up, and her normal, cold tone was harsh one moment, but affectionate the next.

Bucky was no idiot, he knew he royally messed up, pun intended.

He also didn't like travelling with Zemo, but things never played in his favour, anyway.

So, Ayo also sounded betrayed. And Bucky understood that, he pained her by doing this. His guilt grew with every second he stared at the strong warrior in front of him.

He still loved her, he just knew the very small part of his heart that still existed belonged mostly to her.

And Sam-

No.

Loving a man was wrong.

But why did his heart still ache for it?

For Sam?

°□°□°□°

He had woken up, on the floor in Zemos safe house. He couldn't breathe, his head was spinning, his hands shaking as realization settled it.

He had killed again.

Bucky was still the Winter Soldier. He could never escape. He never will.

One second, he was on the floor somewhere in East Europe, next he was in a facility in Siberia, thousand of HYDRA Agents laughing at him as he struggled to defend himself with a knife harboured in his shoulder.

No, not he. The Asset.

Suddenly, the asset is overthrown, it struggles, but the agents just hit and scratch at it. Hands are touching everywhere, it's blood darkens the floor from under it, and it knows it will be forced to clean up again. It's blood mixes in with the one the asset's victim had left behind. It had killed the victim a few minutes prior, with a quick knife execution. It didn't like them suffering.

It's head collided with the floor as multiple fists rained down on him, but it did nothing to defend itself.
It would only hurt more, then. Belts and sticks found every place on its skin, and it knows those will scar. It will look even more hideous than it already does.

Oh, but then, a door opened and a man walks in. It is a very good looking, young Alexander Pierce, but they told it, he was Steve. They did look like each other.

But the asset knows that is a lie. Stevie would never make it hurt. Steve also would never touch another man like that.

But then, it felt it. He felt it. The door cracking open, and he was thrown back into the presence, where his back hurt because he had collided with it in a mere try to wake himself up.

There, in the light of the hallway, he could make out a man, and grass and lemon scents found their way into his nose as he embarrassingly sobbed into his folded arms. A voice he recognized, not out of his dreams, or better yet, nightmares, but because that voice screamed comfort. The voice told him to take in deep breaths, to let the horror subside. But he had to breathe, so please, Bucky, come on, man, you can do it, breathe. Breathe. Good, you are doing so good. Just follow the flow.

Then, that voice asked him: "Can I touch you?" And, Bucky took his time, thinking, if he wanted to be touched. But then he remembered, the voice was Sam, and Sam was good, Sam never hurt him, and he would never hurt him, and Sam always gave him options. Never orders, only options.

He distinglishly remembered having grabbed Sam's sweatshirt to get him closer, to seek comfort in those big, warm hands. He remembered having sobbed into this big, inviting shoulder. He remembered a big, warm hand cradling the back of his head, and a voice shushing him, as if he was a baby.

He did not remember when his position on the floor changed to sitting on the bed. He also did not remember when Sam had invited himself into Bucky's bed.

What he never will remember in his extremely panicked state, was that Sam simply had followed his orders.

Stay!staystaystaystaystaystay-

He did remember still violently shaking, but he also remembered feeling safe in those buff arms. He also remembered this soft, calm voice telling him to go to sleep, he was safe now, nobody will hurt you while I am around.

And, for the first time in a long, long time, he allowed himself to slip into the illusion of safety, if only temporary, and sleep got a hold of him for a second time that night. This time, it was without nightmares, and Bucky basked in that realization.

But, wait, is it not a sin to lie in bed with a man?

A/N: OMG! You guys, 1k? You guys are so amazing, Ilysm. Your comments give me life, and the support is overwhelming. Thank youuuu<333