The one forgiven sin 《Sambucky》

00.25

The chains are broken, but are you truly free?

"Sooo... You are... gay?" Bucky mumbled from where he sat in the way too comfortable soft cushion of the way too big seat next to the couch. The thing was monstrous and it seemed to want to swallow him whole. It didn't seem fair to him, since when Sam had sat in it, he had looked as if he was a king, and the seat was his throne, shrinking in on Sam to make him look more powerful. But Bucky seemed dwarfed, sitting on that exact same chair.

It wasn't fair.

He was the Winter fucking Soldier, but something in Sam just made him want to be coddled and loved for. Sam made him want to be soft. And it scared him so much.

He wanted to understand the world Sam lived in, so they had been talking about all kind of recent topics, such as the moon landing, and the civil rights movement.

It was a very hard topic for Sam as they talked about it, Bucky could see it clear as day. He himself finally told him about the kind of racism he had dealed with. Or rather, a good friend of his.

Gabe Jones.

He was one of the smartest men Bucky had ever known. Knew at least eight languages, and was an incredible mechanic.

But he also was black.

When Bucky returned to himself, he immediately searched up all of them and was pleasantly surprised most of them stayed in the army.

Except for Jaquies and Gabe.

Jaquies went and became a French teacher, while Gabe... became a waiter.

It didn't make any sense to Bucky, why such a smart man was living on scraps.

And then he remembered that war was over and men weren't only used as targets and social status meant something again.

And black men were rock bottom once again.

He remembered the day he learnt about his poor friends future, he had cried and ripped five holes into walls.

Sam listened, something unreadable in his eyes that made Bucky's heart clench painfully.

So, Sam was more than okay with the subject change. And, well, Bucky still was trying to find himself.

"Yeah, Buck. I am." Sam laughed, confirming is attraction to only guys, Bucky thought. Oh god, this was harder than he thought.

"That means you only like men?" He blurted out, sounding somewhat distressed.

"Yes." Sam laughed again, probably thanks to his face.

"And there are more sexualities?"

He really was interested. He also heard something about genders, but he didn't want to bring up those just yet, since he could only take in so much information a day. But he would gladly hear about those one day.

"Yes. For example, pansexual.., demisexual, omnisexual..." all those sounded somewhat familiar, amd of some he knew the meaning of, but nothing seemed to fit him exactly.

"And which one says you like... both women and... men?" He asked, the end of the sentence subconsciously quieter than the rest of it.

"Well, probably bisexual, but you gotta find out your sexuality on your own. People can't tell you what you are."

God, He knew that. He knew so badly.

And he liked that fact quite a lot, since he finally had to choose for himself, but it was also... terrifying. For seventy years he had someone tell him what to do, and out of nowhere he was on his own.

"Ah, yes, your so called though love." Bucky laughed, remembering their heart to heart conversation.

"Hey! It got my point across, right?"

It did. They had talked that day, and Bucky talked about it all. His nightmares, his pain, his victims.

The ones he had hurt so much.

The ones he hadn't apologized to just yet.

But, but oh those betrayed eyes of Yori. Those brown big eyes full of betrayal and hurt. He didn't know if he could face them alone again.

But, he wasn't alone anymore.

He had Sam's strong arms to catch him once it got too much for him alone.

And once he got his problems out of the way, he maybe, possibly could call Sam his.

"Right..? You did it, you are free, right?" Sam interrupted his thoughts, and Bucky, once again, blurted out what was on his mind.

"I haven't amended everyone yet. I just... It got too much after Mister Nikiyjima. I... He was my friend. And, it hurt, him looking at me like this. Don't get me wrong, I deserve it. I do. But, it doesn't hurt any less then. Besides, I don't think, I'll ever be free again. The scars are too deep..." He sighed, having tensed up once again, thanks to his disgusting flashbacks of all his victims and harsh treatment he had to go through to become what he was today.

"Oh, Buck, I'm sorry." Sam cried put, collecting in a hug he was sure would be rejected, but was immensely surprised by how Bucky seemed to melt into his arms. He seemed so small, so shaken up in his arms, that Sam just never wanted to let go again.
"Maybe you should take a break?"

"Yeah... I mean, it's hard." Bucky sighed into his shoulder, burying himself even deeper into his arms.

"But, I wanna do this. I gotta do this. Otherwise I won't let myself have something good." He was anxiously nibbling on his lips.

"Something good, huh?" Sam laughed, and Bucky held on a little tighter for a second, only to have Bucky pull away. Those blue orbs were dancing with emotion.

"Yeah.... I wanna love you, Sam, I want to. But, I gotta love myself first."

A/N: Next two chapters are gonna be dark dark, so be prepared for TW and tears and emotional distress!