The one forgiven sin 《Sambucky》

00.23

When I first met you, I didn't know you were gonna be so important to me.

Someone was petting him. Weird, but not unwelcomed. The last time someone touched him this affectionate was that poor girl back in the late 30s that managed to fall in love with him. Her name was Dorothy, but he called her Dot. She had been used by him as a sort of distraction for the one his really attraction was aimed at. The first person he ever loved.

The person who had left him on his own device. In a century he didn't belong to nor had reasons to stay. Fuck you, Steve.

But wait, that wasn't true anymore. He had something, someone that was worth staying for. And that person gave him so much more to love and treasure, he finally had more reasons to stay than just amend the ones he had done wrong a lifetime ago. The one he realized he fell in love with. Fuck you, too, Sam. For making it so easy to love you. For giving me so much, even though I still don't feel like I deserve it. Fucking fuck you!!

In his inner turmoil he didn't even notice the one he had been cursing out was wide awake, still caught up in painful memories, and still gliding his hands up and down Bucky's body to make sure it was still okay.

But Bucky soon did notice and as he tried looking up, Sam just pressed his face back into the crock of his neck, making Bucky breathe right alongside his throat.

"Sam..? Can I stand up? I need to use the loo, pal."

No response.

"Sam?"

He tried looking up again, but the other man didn't let him. But well, Bucky sure as hell was no patient man, so he slightly added some pressure, enough to overpower Sam. When he looked up again, the man was half dead, brown eyes overcome with a shadow and Bucky had to swallow down his nerves.

He had seen such eyes before. Those were eyes of brave soldiers who believed they've lost everything, or rather, the fight.

Well, he could hold his pee a little longer.

"Sam? Sam, hey, look at me. Come back to me, okay?" Once he saw it working, he kept complimenting Sam whenever the other seemed to return to himself a little more.

He made him sit up, so he could drink the untouched water bottle he had brought alongside yesterday and they sat in calm silence.

Bucky knew the difference between calm and strained silence. He rather often found himself in the latter form of silence, and it was hell to be stuck in that. You wouldn't know what to do with yourself as the demons you call your own slowly etched themselves closer to embrace you in a feeling of pain and suffering, making you relive your most horrible memories over and over again.

He knew Sam spend the whole night in such state, and he couldn't help but blame himself for it. If he had stayed awake, Sam would already be better, but no.

For the first time he needed to stay awake, he couldn't, since also for the first time in a long time ago, he felt safe again. He would have to thank Sam for this later, but now, he needed to bring his point across.

"Sam. Sam, listen to me. You didn't fail me, not once. Okay?" He waited till Sam nodded to continue before going on.

"Ever since I met you, I knew you were a loyal friend that would have my back as long as I wanted you to. And that is a feeling I last had with the Howlies, so... a dang long time ago. But you make me feel safe. Yes?" Another nod.

"Good, now, I know you blame yourself for Rhodey not being able to walk. But that also wasn't your fault. You were just trying to protect yourself. If you hadn't jumped away, it would have hit you. And I would be very sad, lying here and missing you and your obsession with Marvin Gaye." Sam didn't laugh, but Bucky didn't expect him to.

"Besides, Rhodey himself told you it was no big deal. We James' can make it work with a little metal on our bones, no biggie. Right?"

"Yes." Sam whispered, his voice breaking off in the progress, but, hey, at least he was talking. That was more than Bucky dared himself hoping for.

"He can walk. He is fine, and he sees you as his dear friend. He never blamed you, never. Yeah?"

"Yeah.." He mumbled, gripping Bucky and pressing him once again to his chest, his hands once again in this weird position. One on the bag of his head, near his neck, and the other rubbing up and down his back.

Oh...

Oh, no....

Bucky better be wrong about this.

"He broke his spine and skull while he collided."

Bucky sadly wasn't wrong. And he knew exactly who 'he' was.

"He didn't die right away. He had to suffer agonizing pain in his last minutes. If only I had been faster..."

His stare went unfocused once again, and Bucky swallowed to try and get the tears at bay.

"I don't know Riley, but I am pretty sure he wouldn't like you blaming yourself."

"He wouldn't." Sam laughed, a pitiful sound right now.

"I miss him." Sam sobbed, collecting Bucky once again in his arms.

"Shh, I know, Sam. I know. Loss isn't easy, I know that. You just have to life live the way the gone ones would approve of. Are you living a life that would make 'em proud?"

"I guess..."

"You guess?! Dude, you are Captain America! How high are their standards? Damn!"

For the first time, Sam actually laughed, making Bucky smile in return.

"Y'know, my parents also never wanted me to be alone."

"You never will be again. As long as you have me, I will be there for you, Sammy."

He meant every word.

A/N: Did someone say 'triple update'? 😫😫😫