The one forgiven sin 《Sambucky》

00.12

Trust me, I won't leave. If you are staying, I am staying.

"So... who would like to start?" Dr. Raynor, Bucky's therapist started. Sam could scream, could howl, and rip apart the table in front of them. They had such major problems going on, but now, here he sat. Next to the guy he dubbed as the root of all his problems.

He was just so fucking livid, but a voice in his head told him he shouldn't blame it on Bucky. And he really, really shouldn't. Since Bucky only did what he thought was right, which was respecting Isayahs privacy. But well, he was pissed anyway. And he would like to stay pissed, thank you very much.

"Alright... Doctor ...Raynor? I get it, why you want me to talk to freaky Magoo other there. But I am 100% fine." He snarled, and effectively avoided looking into Bucky's direction, because the moment he said 'fine' was the moment Bucky tensed like a plate.

"It is my job to make sure you are fine. So, who wants to go first?" Raynor, Maria, whatever, asked.

"No volunteers? Wow, how surprising." Her voice basically dripped with sarcasm and Sam couldn't help but question how Bucky handled this woman so well.

"Alright, we'll do an exercise. It's something I do with couples when they are trying to figure out what kind of live they wanna build together.
Are you familiar with the miracle question."

"No, why would we?", Bucky, for the first time, spoke up.

"Okay, it goes like this. Suppose that while you sleep a miracle happens. What would your miracle be?"

"In... In my miracle, he, he would talk less." Bucky hopelessly stuttered, and if Sam had one functional braincell, he might have realized Bucky was uncomfortable as fuck while saying so.

But since Sam was an idiot, he couldn't help but put the cherry on top.

"Funny. I was just about to say the same thing."

"Okay, so this isn't working. It's time for the soul gazing exercise."

"I like this one better. Thanks, Doc.", Bucky halfheartedly smiled

"Oh, my, god, he's gonna love this." Sam thought out loud, rkilling his eyes in the progress.

"Yeah, I am ready."

"This is right up your ally. You should really enjoy this."

"I'm going to." Sam felt angrier, and angrier.

"I know you are."

"Face each other." Raynor commanded.

"Let's do it, let's stare." Bucky seriously sounded sk sarcastic, it led to Sam rolling his eyes again.
"
This is a good exercise, thanks, doc."

"Get close. All right, good, closer.... closer." Raynor dared them.

"Which way you want to go?" Bucky said, pointing at their legs, their knees about to touch. Sam just snapped.

"Oh, my god..."

He violently grabbed the chair, locking them both in, his thighs brushing with Bucky's. He couldn't help but feel like Bucky was so fucking cold, when through all the layers of clothes. It was like he didn't radiate heat at all.

"You happy now?" He asked the blue eyes man in front of him, and couldn't help but see his cheeks tinting red, if only slightly.

"That's a little close.", Bucky gasped, his voice higher than usual.

"That's what you wanted, right?"

"James, why does Sam aggravate you?" Raynor interrupted them again, and added "And don't say something childish." As she saw Bucky's expression.

A long time nothing happened, all and everything quiet as they waited for an answer of Bucky. He licked at his lips, before looking up. And, god, those glossy eyes were sure to be the death of Sam.

"Why'd you give up the shield?"

And all sympathy was gone.

"Why do you make such a big deal of something that has nothing to do with you?" He asked. Sam had been trying to figure out what the hell Bucky wanted from him, but he couldn't figure the other man out, anyways.

"Steve believed in you. He trusted you. He gave you that shield for a reason. That shield, that is, that is, everything he stood for. That is his legacy. He gave you that shield, and you threw it away like it was nothing." Way to make him feel guilty, Sam thought.

"Man, shut up." He gasped, his voice mirroring perfectly the betrayal he felt. But well, Bucky wasn't finished.

"So, maybe he was wrong about you. And if he was wrong about you, then he was wrong about me." If someone had told him he would be a witness as the former Winter Soldiers voice cracked, he would have laughed.

Now, it didn't seem as funny.

San didn't break eye contact, starring into those broken eyes, taking in the panicked as well as pained expression, and swallowed hard.

It just completely hit him that Bucky's only stability had left him when things got rough, and now the guy was anxious since no one believed in him anymore. The one thing that always reassured Bucky he no longer was the one thing Bucky was scared of, was gone. Of course Bucky would be insecure.

But, well, Sam was still mad.

He himself also was hurt by being left alone by his best friend. The blonde hurt him, too. He also left him a 'gift' Sam couldn't help but see as a curse now.

"You finished?", he snapped at Bucky, and, if possible, this blue eyes turned sadder at his harsh tone. Sam also couldn't help but notice Bucky looking like he was brasing himself to get hit.

He heard his own heart break in his chest.

Instead of saying something, Bucky just shakingly nods, and, for the first time, broke eye contact first, playing with his fingers in his lap.

He just looked so small in that moment, and all fight left Sam as he starred at the small figure in the chair.

"Good." His voice was softer now, and bucky looked up again. But now, je looked so scared. Sam wasn't sure of what.

"Maybe there is something you or Steve will never understand. But can you believe that I did what I thought was right?" He asked. Because Sam wanted to be understood by the person he knew he cared about.

He prayed Bucky would understand.

He hoped he would.

Instead, he was met with deafening silence.

And his rage took control again.