The one forgiven sin 《Sambucky》

00.08

Life went on, but I was never the same again.

Thanos happened. He was snapped out of existence, all on his own as he dissolved into dust. Sam returned, only to never be the same again.

He will never be closer to death than in this very moment, and if he was honest, then he wasn't all that happy that the first real and raw emotion he felt since his partner crumbled to the floor was the one of crippling fear. But at the same time, he was thankful for it happening. It made him value what he had and thought was a given.

Sam was sure to now always check on his sister and her son's. Her husband had died, in a car accident as the driver of the car that crashed into his vanished. Five years ago. Sam was sure to tell Sarah she was the strongest woman to ever walk this rotten planet.

He wasn't there to comfort her this time, yet she still managed. And that was an achievement most would surely pass off. That was basically the first thing Sam did right after getting snapped back and fighting. Go to his sister. Hug her. Love her. And value her more. She made him stay at her house a good whole week, before he got a call saying Steve was about to end the mission and wanted him there.

"Please, Sam, be careful. Please don't leave again." Sarah begged. It was no secret to him that his sister despised Captain Rogers, since all the man knew how to do was drag other people into dangerous situations headfirst. But well, he would try to be more careful. Sam had things to lose, after all.

He drove off, back to the Avengers compound, where they had thrown Tony Starks ashes into a pond
He remembered that day vividly, and how much he had cried that day. It hurt him, the man meant so much to him. Tony was his friend. Back when he had followed after the winter soldier, and he had trouble finding the guy, Tony would offer anything. From his technology, back to his suits. The guy had his heart on the right place. But not even Tony Starks technology managed to find the one and only assassin, Sam was sure, no one would want to mess with.

Who was there, too. Overviewing Steve's mission. It did not surprise him Steve wanted the both of them close to him. They were his most favourite persons, and now that Natasha wasn't there anymore, Steve even looked even more lonely. God, Natasha....

They had lost so much, Sam had lost so much, from his parents, to Riley, to Tony back to Natasha. And god, he missed her so much, sometimes he was sure the anguish could swallow him whole. They were in such rush, they had not even given her a funeral. It wasn't like they had a body to bury anyway. But she deserved it. Right after she published anything HYDRA did wrong, he had read some of the Winter Soldier files. He stayed away from the tabs, though, since all they offered would be worse than every horror movie ever created. While reading into that, he also managed to discover things of Natasha's past. Or rather, Natalia's past. And after all she went through, she had been ready to stand back up again, and fight for a world that showed her nothing but dread and pain and horror. Remarkable.

Lost in his thoughts, he all but jumped when he felt Bucky's presence next to him. The guy was so quiet, it was insane to even think about it.

He liked Bucky. He knew that. And they were such amazing partners on the battlefield, so good chemistry he only ever had with one person. Well, no, he was sure would he spend more time with Bucky, they would be perfect partners.
A match made in heaven for their team. A match made in hell for their enemies.

But Bucky would refuse, should he offer. The guy wanted peace, Sam respected that. But tonight, though, Sam couldn't help but notice Bucky looking like some kicked puppy as he watched Steve climb up the podest. Soon enough, the machine started whirring. And Steve dissapeared. He rather felt Bucky shake than see it, but he immediately thought something was going on. Especially as Bruce started the machine again. And nothing happened.

"Where is he?" He asked, dread filling him. But as he looked up to Bucky, the guy was smiling, as if it pained him to do so and looked away, to the bank that could look out to the pond. In confusion, Sam followed his gaze and stopped short, as there sat a man with grey hair. Bucky shrugged with his shoulders and indicated Sam to go and talk to the guy. As he stepped closer, he couldn't help but notice the old man looked familiar. Once the guy looked up, Sam's brain shortcutted. Familiar striking blue eyes. Oh, god... Then, he noticed the ring. And then the carefree smile. Tension left Sam's body like a curse, and he smiled down on his friend. Only to stop smiling when Steve Rogers reached out and gave him the shield. Unsure and shaking, ready to say no, he turned around again, to be met with those icy blue diamonds, the ones that sesmed to tell him, no one deserves it more than you. Take it.

So, he did. And stuck it onto his arm. The weight, shape and form was weird, the chains were made for arms bulkier than his. He felt like clawing his own skin off, it felt so wrong.

"How does it feel?" He pondered on the question for a bit, before shrugging and truthfully answering.

"Like it's someone else's."

"It isn't." In shock, his jaw slacked open, his breath started shuddering and he heard ringing in his ears. He was sure he was gonna get sick.

Time for a new subject. Think of a distraction, Wilson.

"Will you tell me about her?" He asked, referring to the ring.

"No, no I don't think I will." His smile brightened, and Sam smiled back.

•○•○•○•

He could do it.

He could. All he had to do was look in the mirror, see his reflection, and then some. Huch. He could. Slowly, he stepped in front of it, and shook. It was wrong, it was all wrong. From his posture, to the position of the shield, and the grimace of his face.

All he could see were the looks of others, the hateful eyes as he stood in front of them and tried to get some help into chaos. All he could see was his skin that did not match Steve's in the slightest, all he could see was the stars and stripes, representing a country that enslaved his ancestors, all he could see were people spitting the n-word at him from across the streets, all he could see was the news talking about another black man getting shot because he was there, right place, wrong time, all he could see was Sarah losing him since he was a black man in America, all he could see-

He couldn't do it.