The one forgiven sin 《Sambucky》

00.13

I'm scared, because what if no one makes me feel the way you did?

Bucky didn't know what Sam was referring to, sue him. He had held the shield a few times himself, and still maveled at the magical feeling of power it set free in him. Or maybe because it was the only reminder he had left of the time where he felt more human than monster.

He had no combat to that, so he stayed silent, obviously adding fuel to Sam's totally justified anger.

"Y'know what, Doc?", Sam scoffed, and Bucky felt his hear clench painfully at the hostality in Sam's voice.

"I don't have time for this. We have some serious shit going on." He wasn't wrong, but Bucky immediately was quick to blame himself. It was his fault after all. Had he told Sam earlier about Isaiah, this wouldn't happen right now. But he didn't. He had to deal with the consequences.

"So how about this? I'm gonna squash it right there. We go deal with that, and when we're done, we both can go on long and separate vacations." God, no.

"And never see each other again."

Please, no. I don't wanna be alone again.

"I like that." He instead suggested, hating himself for the almost whimper ready to push past his lips. His eyes were going glossy as he thought of all the lonely nights he spend after Steve left. All the nightmares he had fought off all on his own. They weren't that frequent with something, or someone to occupy his mind, but they were horrifying when there was no one around.

"Good. Well, lets go to work." Sam snarled, and his brown eyes were darker than normal, his eyebrows sharply raised. His eyes always told Bucky what Sam was thinking, feeling in the moment. And right now, Sam looked... beaten, exhaustion making his spine bent the way it never was thanks to his confidence. But his eyes, there was a fury hidden underneath the layer of honey golden that just made Bucky's stomach churn. He was the reason for those friendly eyes to turn cold.

He deserved isolation.

He deserved to be alone.

Sam sharply turned around to face his therapist, and Bucky felt himself sink further into the seat.

"Thanks, Doc. For making it weird. I feel much better now." Sam's voice dripped with sarcasm, Bucky noticed it was his coping machine in uncomfirtable situations, and swallowed.

He made Sam uncomfortable.

"I'll see you outside." He slapped Bucky violently on his left shoulder, stood up with unbend anger, even the chairshook in place, and left the room.

Standing up, way less violently, he nodded at Raynor, ready to leave, when...

"I know that look. What's wrong?"

"What was rule Number two, again?" He whispered, not trusting his voice not breaking, should he speak any louder.

"Don't hurt anyone." She replied softly, and he thought she might knew.

She knew he couldn't help but break that promise.

"Bye, Doc." He nodded back at her, only to disappear into the bathroom to the left.

And, well, if he indeed brought out his pocketknife, only to scratch tiny, but deep cuts into his muscular thigh, all the while breaking rule Number two by hurting someone,

Nobody needed to know, anyways....

•■•■•■•

"What are you thinking?" Sam immediatly asked the moment Bucky stepped next to him after their confrontation with Walker. It made him angry Walker had threatened them, but then again, Bucky indeed was a dick for provoking the man in the first place.

Bucky did, indeed have an idea about what they were supposed to do, but this might eventually go wrong... No, that was crap, he knew it would work, he was just so scared. 

Because the person they might need brought back memories Bucky was not ready to face again.

"Well, I know what we have to do. When Isayah said, my people-"

"Oh, don't take that to heart. That's not what he meant-", Sam tried interrupting, his voice somewhat steady, but still mixed with some slight concern. It warmed Bucky's heart, to know Sam still somewhat cared about him, enough for him to stop feeling the cold linger around them while only backing up his sense of style, which consisted of a leather jacket, and a very thin pullover. 

"He meant HYDRA. They used to be my people."

Silence settled over them as he carefully read Sam's facial expression. He thought he could read some slight anger upon Sam, but that wasn't the case. Instead, Sam paniced on the inside. 

The slightly shorter, but buffer man walking next to him shook in fright as a picture of icy, cold and void of any emotion, and steely blue eyes entered his mind. Sam wouldn't handle Bucky turning cold and weapon like again, so he immediatly shut down the idea, in his mind.

"Not a chance.", Sam scoffed, because this shouldn't even be discussed.  

"I know where you are going with this, no!", Sam shouted, scarring Bucky, if only slightly. He himself didn't like this idea, but it was their only lead right now.

"He knows all of Hydras secrets. dont you member Siberia?" It wasn't a question Bucky thought Sam would answer to. Of course Sam remembered being thrown across the room by Bucky. He remembered Bucky as nothing but a monster. Just like anybody else, right?

"So, you just gon' go and sit in a room with him?" Sam asked him, disbelieve making his voice pitch higher, but still sound so fucking angry.

"N-, well, uhm, yeah..." He didn't want to. Even the thought of the other man was scary for him. He also desperately wanted to be hugged, but life was never fair to him, was it?

"Okay, then. Let's go see Zemo." Sam agreed.

Bucky wished he didn't.