You'll Never Be Whole Until You Lose Control- Spencer Reid

7.) New Person, Same Old Mistakes

"I can just hear them now
"How could you let us down?"
But they don't know what I found
Or see it from this way 'round
Feeling it overtake
All that I used to hate
One by one every trait
I tried but it's way too late
All the signs I don't read
Two sides of me can't agree
Will I be in too deep?
Going with what I always longed for"- New Person, Same Old Mistakes, Tame Impala

I had tasted the forbidden fruit of Anna's lips and only wanted more. I understood how Adam had met his demise, for my Anna was even more enchanting than I ever imagined Eve.

Maybe it was a good thing Emily called me away.

Maybe I was just looking for an out, so I wouldn't let my poison spread. Time apart would surely be the antidote to my sins, keeping her unburdened by my presence.

But I couldn't remember a time in my life where anything had felt as right as I did with her in my arms. How whole and complete her presence made me feel. How my heart beat with a purpose; my body knowing the motions even if my mind fought against it as if it was a primal instinct- beyond fact or reason.

I trailed my finger over my lips, wishing things were different. Wishing that I wasn't on the jet and that she was beneath me still. Wishing that she wasn't so innocent and beautiful and that I wasn't so depraved and vile.

What if we'd met sooner, what if she knew the old Spencer, what if-

I had committed Anna to my memory; how her ivory skin felt under my touch, the freckles beneath her doe eyes, the soft down of her thick brown hair, and way she had whimpered my name.

I wanted to let her in.

I wanted what I couldn't have.

I should know better that I never got what I wanted, anyway.

"Reid, where are you?" Prentiss said with concern in her voice.

I looked up, "What?"

"We were comparing the unsub's MO to Bundy and you said nothing."

"Are you okay, Spence?" JJ asked softly, putting a steady hand on my shoulder.

"I'm fine," I said, opening up my files again.

"What were you doing before I called you?" Emily asked.

"I was- I'm fine, you guys. Please."

She and JJ shared a look as Rossi came back with his coffee. "Let the kid be, he'll tell us about the girl when he wants to."

"Wha-" I started.

"There's no way you would still be wearing a suit at this time of night if you weren't on a date, you don't have to be a profiler to know that," he winked at me.

"Spence, is it the girl from the witch shop?"

"Rossi, I am getting you back for this," I glared at him.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll be keeping an eye out."

Anna

Becca was still up when I got home, bouncing with exuberance.

"It's a good thing you're good with makeup so you can cover those hickeys in the morning," she chirped the moment I walked in the door.

"Wow, hello to you too," I groaned and plopped myself on the couch. As I lay back on the pillows, I couldn't help but think of how Spencer has pushed me into his couch, and how badly I wish I was still beneath him.

I took a long bath and then stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom, huddling under my bathrobe as I examined the marks of his teeth against my neck. I ran my fingers over them, happy to bare his markings and wishing he'd claimed more.