You'll Never Be Whole Until You Lose Control- Spencer Reid

Chapter 25: Me

"Oh I was thinking bout killing myself, don't you mind

I love you, don't you mind, don't you mind" Me, the 1975

Trigger warnings;

Trauma, mentions of eating disorders, self harm, suicidal ideation, ddlg and bdsm

Anna

I woke up to Spencer's mop of unruly hair on my chest, happy that he had managed to fall back asleep. As he breathed the softest of snores, I was just glad he had found peace and solace in my embrace. His hands were gnarled in my shirt. I ran a lazy hand through his hair, losing myself in the pool of love I had for him.

I decided that if he had truly wanted to ruin me, seeing him cry like a wounded animal might have been the final straw. The poor man looked somewhat childlike in his slumber as he clung to me, like the years had yet to harden his soul. He reminded me of wild flowers taking root in paved medians of highways; resilient, and living despite all of the odds, roots deep and edges of blossoms beginning to brown.

He shifted in my arms and lifted his head up. "Hey," I whispered, not knowing exactly what to say. , pushing back a stray curl that spilled over his eyes.

His eyes were red-rimmed and he blinked a few times as he sat up. My arms missed him immediately but the void was satiated by our shoulders brushing together. He rubbed his eyes with his hand and let out a ragged breath. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

I cupped the side of his face, "don't apologize, Spencer."

"How can you say that?" He scoffed.

I yanked his face to mine, pushing my lips forcefully against his. He was taken aback by the dominating move at first. "Listen to me when I say that I understand," I said against his mouth.

"You don't realize how much I hate that you do."

I pulled back, trailing my fingers over his face, the big question on my lips. "You're in therapy, right?"

He grimaced, "yes. Though I had to cancel the last two appointments with her because I was on a case."

"You seem to always be taking care of everyone else, you need to take care of you."

He rolled his eyes at me in disdain but I knew he felt what I said. His amber eyes bore into mine then; a glimmer of the strong man I had become accustomed to, "now yousound like my therapist."

"Comes with the territory of someone who's been institutionalized for their eating disorder twice."

He visibly shuddered, as if the thought hurt him physically. He brushed his lips across my forehead, lost in thought. I nuzzled up to him, enjoying his touch as I buried myself into the crook of his neck. I squeezed my arms around his center, showing him how much he meant to me, and his arms folded over me. We were two broken souls finding solace in each other's touch before we inevitably had to come apart, soaking in the embrace.

"Anna?" He asked, breaking the silence.

"Yeah?" I looked up at him.

"I'm so in..." he sounded hesitant, as if the words in his mind were rushing at him all at once; a tangled web of regrets and broken dreams. Every hair on the back of my neck stood in panic. Please don't say it like this. "You're... everything," he settled.

I love you too, Spencer.

I placed my hand on his cheek; I hoped it was a promise unspoken.

Spencer

I prayed as dawn broke to be a changed man, only to see the monster lingering in the shadows of my reflection in Anna's big eyes. But her gaze was anything but judge-mental; it could even be described as sweetly adoring.