You'll Never Be Whole Until You Lose Control- Spencer Reid

Chapter 30: Don't Cry 2020

"When we talk about the future

You've got your arms wrapped around my waist

Lets not talk about the future

No

Tonight is just another day" Don't Cry 2020, Coin

Chapter summary: Spencer celebrates Samhain with Anna, and comforts her when her confidence hits rock bottom.

Spencer

"They're Tarot cards, Spencer, this is not Casino Royale," my goddess quipped as she shuffled her favorite Tarot deck; it was based on Ostara, the Pagan holiday for the spring equinox.

"Still, it's a deck of 78 cards," I countered. "56 of them being minor arcana and 22 major arcana

cards, the probability of pulling-"

Then she was kissing me; the sweetest, most endearing way anyone had ever told me to shut up before. As I warmed up to her scorching touch, it was impossible to stop the low, throaty moan she pulled from me. My greedy hands rooted at her hips, coaxing her ever closer into my form.

"Ahem!" Becca loudly cleared her throat as she walked into the living room with three mugs of mulled cider; Anna had jumped at the bit to practice her kitchen witch skills for the holiday. She was an alchemist in every sense of the word. She had thrown in all spice, anise, cinnamon and bay leaves, then used a metal spoon to draw pentacles into the boiling liquid. They had set out offerings of bay leaves, rosemary and honey-drizzled apple slices out on the stoop of her door.

I pulled back regrettably; Anna's pliant lips always felt like home.

I couldn't help but think of Persephone's descent as I had watched her flit around, magic coming from every fiber of her being. It was as if she danced gracefully through a field of withering wild flowers, savoring their blossoms for the last time beneath the autumn sunlight before she took her place beside Hades as queen of the Underworld.

I had always understood Hades; I too wished I could have the girl I wasn't meant for.

'Hades isn't all bad, you know,' she had once said. 'And you're not all bad, either, Spencer.'

"So anyway, what I was saying was to not over think it," she said, blushing. She ran her fingers over the journal she held, that she wrote all of her readings in. "Which you're doing. It doesn't come from a place of logic and reason."

I watched her spread the cards out on the table that was artfully adorned with orange and black candles, mini pumpkins, crystal skull carvings in lepidolite and moss agate, and dried rose petals. The smoke from a bundle of mugwort filled the air.

"Ask them something simple," she continued, tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "If I don't have a specific intent or question in mind, I usually just go with something vague like 'what do I need?' But it's also the Pagan new year, so you could ask what you need to learn in the year to come."

A thousand questions filled my head but she was right; I shouldn'tover think it. So instead of asking the cards the inevitable- is our relationship doomed? or when am I going to lose her?- I listened to her and asked what I needed to learn for the year to come. I couldn't let myself think about the future with Anna because it would hurt too much to have it ripped away from me. I wondered if the cards would know how fearful I was.

"Pull the ones you feel drawn to," she placed her hand on my shoulder.

The logic in me found it funny to "feel drawn to" cards, but the curious boy who longed to know everything won over. Despite my mind calculating what the probability of pulling each card was, I took a few deep breaths and focused on the spread out cards. If it was important to Anna, it was important to me. I plucked four cards from the deck, and flipped them over in order of pulling them.