You'll Never Be Whole Until You Lose Control- Spencer Reid

Chapter 31: Are You Bored Yet

Summary: Spencer considers leaving the BAU

"'Cause we could stay at home and watch the sunset

But I can't help from askin', "Are you bored yet?"

And if you're feelin' lonely, you should tell me

Before this ends up as another memory

Will you tell the truth so I don't have to lie?" Are You Bored Yet, Wallows featuring Clairo

Spencer

The metal of the revolver no longer felt heavy in my hands, and it had long ceased to feel cool.

I hit the target every time, though my mind was far away. It was second nature; just another example of my corrupted psyche. It felt like so long ago that I couldn't pass my gun qualification. I remembered killing the LDSK like it was yesterday, though. The torn paper fluttered and swayed in the air like snowflakes suspended in the winter's wind as bullets hit dead-center.

I thought of how the last thirty days had been the happiest days of my life.

Bang!

I thought of doing anything and everything for the beautiful girl I loved.

Bang!

I thought of every horror I had every faced, and how they clung to me like static. Gideon was right; evil had begun to stick to me. As I stared into the abyss, it too had looked into me.

Bang!

I thought of Anna, and was sure evil would never stick to her blossoming petals. I would protect her innocence with my life.

Bang!

I thought of Cat's laughter and sinister eyes.

I shot until the chamber was emptied.

I knew what I had to do.

Anna

"We should talk about it."

I stared at the drizzles of rain that ran down the window in Spencer's apartment, his words falling heavy in the air. All I had done was sigh, and hang my head, hair covering my face like a protective shroud.

His fingers pushed the strands back gently before cupping the side of my face in his warm palm. "Come on, sweetheart." I blinked a few times before meeting his gaze but I finally did. He cracked a small smile from his worried face to reassure me, "there's my girl."

And all I wanted to do was curl myself into him and beg him not to go.

But that would be selfish; the world needed him.

The cold rain reflected my mood; utterly melancholy.

His touch melted through my iced-over exterior as he caressed the side of my face. We hadn't dared to speak about any of the anxieties we both felt until now... the night before he went back to work.

"I..." I started, voice weak over the lump that was rising in my throat.I could have lied and said everything was fine just to get over this uncomfortable moment, but he would have seen through it. "I don't know what to say, Spencer. I'm scared."

"Don't be scared, I'm here."

How couldn't I be, though? It wasn't all just because I didn't want our relationship to change; I was deeply frightened to my core that one day, he could... die from his job. The man had gotten shot in the neck for Christ's sake!

...Which is what I sobbed into his chest as I finally broke down.

He gathered me in his arms and held me so tightly. "Shhh, it's okay, angel."