You'll Never Be Whole Until You Lose Control- Spencer Reid

16.) waste

"You know it's funny how freedom can make us feel contained
Yeah when the muscles in our legs aren't used to all the walking
I know if you could snap both your fingers that you'd escape with me
But in the meantime, I'll just wait here and listen to you when you speak... or scream"- Waste, Foster the People

Spencer

Anna's soft breathing could have been a lullaby of its own. I'd never felt so at peace than I did with her curled up in my arms. She looked so innocent and sweet in her sleep, child-like almost. Like the world hadn't hurt her yet. And I hated that it had hurt her.

We probably should have talked about it; the elephant in the room that was her calling me daddy while I got her off, but we didn't. Instead we basked in each other's touch, pretending we could heal our selves by placing kisses on her soft dimpled skin. I would make sure to talk to her about it later when we were in a different head space; a promise to protect her and her boundaries.

Slowly I got up off the couch, with a grunt and a deep breath, I was cradling her into me as I stood and walked swiftly into my bedroom. I lay her down on the soft mattress and pulled the covers over her.

"Spencer, don't leave," she murmured, so sleepy and adorable, reaching a hand out to me.

"Shh, go back to sleep," I whispered, kissing her temple while stroking her hair back.

"Please stay," her big eyes opened, half lidded.

"I'm here, sweetheart," I sat on the edge of the bed, loosening my tie and unbuttoning my shirt, letting it fall to the floor. I shrugged out of my slacks and walked to the other side of the bed, where she instantly turned on her side and curled into me.

"I'm glad you're here," her hot breath tickled my skin.

I started playing with her hair again and looked up at the ceiling in the darkness; it wasn't as dark as it used to be, because my light was curled up in my arms. "Go back to sleep, Anna."

"Goodnight, Spencer."

"Goodnight, angel."

But I couldn't stay like I promised. It was all too perfect; her clinging to me, her steady heart beat. I wanted to stay there forever, never letting her little body go. And I was all too undeserving.

If I had fallen asleep with her in my arms, she would've woken up to the screaming that occurred every night I tried to sleep.

I slipped out of her arms carefully, and slid my pillow into her grasp. She nuzzled into it, hands folding into the pillowcase, making me jealous of the inanimate object. Maybe one day it could be me. But for now, I gave her a kiss on the forehead and smoothed her hair, making a smile on her pretty face that melted my frozen heart.

"Spencer," she sighed happily in her sleep.

I got off the bed, knowing that if I stayed any longer I wouldn't be able to pry myself away from her side. I walked to the living room and sat back on the couch, resting my head in my hands.

It wasn't my angel's voice that echoed in my head. I would have done anything for it to be.

It was guilt; guilt for the awful things I wanted to do to my beautiful girl. It was my conscious telling me I wasn't good enough for her, that I was damned and even she couldn't break the curse. It was crime scene photos of the most horrific, bloody images that stank of death and decay. It was the trauma that had hardened the once timid and shy Spencer Reid into the depraved man he was now. It was my hands around Cat's throat, convincing me that I was incapable of being the good man I once was.