You'll Never Be Whole Until You Lose Control- Spencer Reid

Chapter 40.) Video Games

Authors note: THANK YOU to everyone who has been reading this story and commenting along. I love you all so much! This story is an outlet for me and I just plan on writing it until I get bored with it even after I finish this plot line because it makes me happy. Much love to you all xoxo- aquathyst

Warnings: oral (male receiving), hair pulling, ddlg and subspace

Chapter Summary: Spencer is worried about Anna

"It's you, it's you, it's all for you

Everything I do

I tell you all the time

Heaven is a place on earth with you

Tell me all the things you wanna do

I heard that you like the bad girls

Honey, is that true?

It's better than I ever even knew

They say that the world was built for two

Only worth living if somebody is loving you

And, baby, now you do" Video Games, Lana Del Rey

Spencer

I knew I couldn't control everything, but I would be damned if I didn't try.

After class, I would go to Anna's shop. She said I was being paranoid but I felt like I wasn't doing enough. She didn't complain, though; she liked me being there too much. I had neurotically bought more security cameras for her store which she put up to appease me; not to mention I had Garcia digging up anything she could on the Believers. So far, it just looked like a legitimate church but my gut told me otherwise, and she told me she would monitor any movement on them.

My therapist said I was being hyper vigilant. Maybe I was.

But all I knew was that I couldn't lose her too.

All I could see were wilted petals that were clinging to her blossom, ready to fall at my feet.

Anna told me to relax, stroking her fingers through my hair soothingly as we sat on the couch together. She said that she could feel the stress emanating off of me from miles away. What could I say, it's incredibly easy to overthink when you're a genius who remembers everything. Every bad, awful thing. Her big eyes gazed up at me but they did nothing to ease the panic in my stomach. "I love you, Spencer," she said softly. "But you have to stop worrying about me so much. I'm here, I'm okay."

That wasn't going to happen.

"I have to protect you," I choked.

"I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. Do you know how hard it would be to pry us apart? We're basically conjoined at the hip."

That's not enough.

The great white sharks from the black depths of the abyss circled around us, and she didn't fully understand. She didn't see it the way I did. She didn't see the dangers lurking around every corner; and why would she? She was young; she was pure. Naive and ripe for the taking. She hadn't seen what I had.

She also had no self preservation; that much was clear.

"Where are you?" she cupped my cheek in her palm. "You have to talk to me. I know it's hard, my love, but you can't block me out."

I opened my mouth, but at first words faltered. I rubbed my eyes roughly, to which she grabbed my hand and yanked it away. Her soft fingertips brushed against my face; the polar opposite to how I treated myself. I leaned into her delicate touch. Finally I spoke. "When I lost Maeve... I truly thought I would be wrapped up in the heartache forever. That I would be too grief stricken to move on. And in a way, I was- at least, until I met you. There was a nagging part of me that said that I didn't do enough to save her. If I had just... I don't know. I had saved so many other people- why couldn't I just... fuckingsave her. In many ways, it's just as raw as it was when it happened. And now... I see you in her place... and Anna, I just can't let that happen."