You'll Never Be Whole Until You Lose Control- Spencer Reid

Chapter 20.) Static Space Lover

"Your static lips

Leave me wanting more

Well don't float to far,

'Cause I won't live without your constellation

Reach out my love, 'cause I can't hold on forever

But I'll try,

And we'll never have to say goodbye" Static Space Lover, Foster the People

Anna

I dreamt it because it couldn't be real.

Although his voice sounded so real. So accurate and thickly laced with tears that he'd swallowed back his whole life.

"I love you, Anna."

In the gray areas of slumber, I murmured his name in response.

I didn't want my Spencer to ever say those words with sadness again. Even if it wasn't real and a figment of my subconscious, I wished his voice had been filled with joy. I didn't want him to think of me and feel pain. Never bitter, only sweet.

But it couldn't be real.

He couldn't love me, because how could he?

I was riddled with self doubt, self hatred and he wouldn't even fuck me.

'Because he respects you,' the clear headed voice spoke. But I rarely listened to her soft and rational words.

'Because you're fat, dumb and ugly,' said the other, with venom and spite.

But I drifted deeper into sleep, and the voices were quieted by his strong hands squeezing me closer.

Spencer

Before any of the memories could flood in, I saw Anna's face in crystalline clarity. Each freckle, the sloped curve of her nose and defined shape of her eyebrows. How high her cheekbones were; cheeks rosy and warm. Mascara smudged beneath her eyes, lips parted ever so slightly. Morning sunlight filtered through the blinds, painting her in golden stripes and illuminated rainbows in her bronze hair.

She was still nestled in my arms on my chest, holding her quilt close by her little body and clinging to me. She was enough to melt my cold heart, looking so innocent and sweet. I could so easily steal her away here forever, locked in my arms where no one else could hurt her ever again.

But that wouldn't be right. The world needed my beautiful girl and it would be cruel to deny anyone of her.

Even Hades decided to let Persephone go for most of the year; and my maiden had meadows and worlds above mine to explore. Sunlight to soak up, moonlight to dance beneath, and flowers to pluck while I stayed in the darkness.

She began to stir in my arms, stretching her legs out against the tangle of mine. "Hey," she smiled up at me.

"Good morning, pretty girl," I said, pressing my mouth to her forehead, morning breath and awkwardness forgotten.

"How long have you been up?"

"Only a little bit, I heard your roommate leave."

She ran her fingers over the side of my face and down to my neck to where her pendant still laid against my skin, shining blue in sterling silver. Two fingers tugged on the chain, "I like that you're still wearing this."

I held the pendant in my hand, "I like having you with me."

Her eyes glistened with tears suddenly, and immediately I worried that I'd done something wrong. That she had come to her senses and saw me the same way I saw myself.