You'll Never Be Whole Until You Lose Control- Spencer Reid

10.) liability

"They say, "You're a little much for me
You're a liability
You're a little much for me"
So they pull back, make other plans
I understand, I'm a liability
Get you wild, make you leave
I'm a little much for
Everyone"- Liability, Lorde

Anna

Spencer's apartment looked like his book shelves had thrown up all over the place. On his coffee table, there was Magical Mathematics of String Theory, a worn copy of The Narrative of John Smith, a book about Greek mythology opened to a page of Persephone and Hades, Romeo and Juliet and a self help book called When Perfect isn't Good Enough which elicited a laugh from me because that book sat on my own bookshelf.

"What's funny?" He said, locking the door behind us.

"You don't strike me as a self help kind of person."

"I'm not, it was... a gift from my co worker."

"My nutritionist gave me her copy when I was in treatment for my eating disorder," I sighed. "Never finished it."

I turned to look at him and his eyes were cast down on the ground as he moved to sit on the couch. He beckoned me to sit beside him, and my body followed suit.

"So," he breathed, blinking a few times.

"So," I repeated.

He dragged his hand through his curls anxiously. "I'm sorry I've been cryptic. The past.... year has been... well, I don't know where to start, honestly. I don't... know how to do this. I'm so used to compartmentalizing and not feeling..." He finally looked up at me, and I could see how he ached inside. There was a childlike look in his eyes, of the boy who was never loved the way he needed, and a man who had been shattered and ripped apart by the cruel world that surrounded him, desperately trying to put the pieces back together.

"It's okay, Spencer," I reached to take his large hand in my own, noting how it felt like home.

"I'm scared the truth will scare you off. Because I do like you, I like you so much that it scares me, and I want to let you in but...."

The gravity of his words hit me like a ton of bricks, but I was unwavering.

"You don't have to tell me everything now, we can go slow," I said, reassuring him as I was tracing the scar on his palm as it rested in my lap.

"Go slow," he repeated quietly. "I don't know where to start, Anna," he shook his head. "I don't really open up to many people."

"No shit, Sherlock."

He let out a nervous laugh, "is it that obvious?"

"Just a tad."

He licked his lips in thought. "I want to let you in, it's just... that I'm scared I'm going to..." he closed his eyes tightly.

"Spencer, I'm here, I promise."

Spencer let our a deep breath before braiding his fingers with mine. "You are now, but will you be?"

"Yes." I brought our hands to my lips and pressed a kiss on the back of his hand to seal the promise.

The shackles may be off now, but he was chained in the prison of his own mind and memories.

And I knew one thing for certain; if I ever met Cat Adams, I would kill her my-fucking-self for what she'd done to Spencer.

Spencer had folded his cards to me and it was a losing hand.

As he spoke, tears dripped from my eyes, only for him to beg me not to cry over him, as if he wasn't worth it.

He was worth it, though. He was so worth it.